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Something New

If you’re still reading this, come on over and check out my new blog: http://ashleyasaurora.com (and be sure to update your RSS feeds)!

Actually, it’s the same blog, I just made the move to self-hosting and got a pretty new makeover (thanks to Steph Anne from Luxe Chandelier)!

But seriously, my new blog is awesome. Come see!!

Second Time Around

So let’s talk about the break-up, part two.

It was much less traumatic than the first time. In fact, I knew what I was getting myself into the second time around. I guess preparing myself made it easier. The Boy told me he still wasn’t “sure about everything” but that he “wanted to try” even though he was scared he would hurt me again. I also think that my logic of “well, you never really know how it will end when you date someone and I think it’s stupid not to try just because you’re scared…” had some effect on his decision. So we tried again.

He took me out to eat at nice restaurants. He asked me to come up to his apartment and I politely declined (because yes, he told me to make him work for it!). He invited me to hang out with his friends. We created inside jokes. We had time to ourselves during the week, but he called me every night. I drove to Austin to see him (and my friends and family) on the weekends. He sent me sweet emails before he went to sleep. He mentioned plans of taking me to Houston to see an Astros game this summer. Everything was good.

But all along, I kept my heart protected. I knew he might back away at any second. He had warned me.

Then the signs began popping up. I planned to be in Austin over the weekend, but he had plans every night except Friday. When his plans for Saturday were canceled and he chose to play golf instead of seeing me (when he knew we wouldn’t see each other for two weeks) it clicked. I distanced myself knowing I would get hurt if I didn’t. I occupied the rest of my weekend with my mom and best friends. I ate nachos and drank margaritas. I went to baseball games and bars. Emotional distance. When he kept calling, I knew he knew… He knew I was not happy.

Sunday passed with only a mere “How was your day?” text. Compared to the hours of conversation every other day, this was torture.

On Monday I asked him if he wanted to grab lunch, but he said he was too busy. I replied saying I thought we should talk soon; he said “probably so”. Hours of awkward silence passed. “I know you’re really busy today, but I hate being frustrated and feeling like this, so I’d really like to talk sooner rather than later,” was what finally convinced him that we needed to talk.

He came over a few hours later. I knew from the minute I opened the door that it was over. We sat and talked for twenty minutes. He said he had no idea why I was angry… except for the fact that he didn’t “run it by me” that he was going to play golf and he didn’t think “we were at that stage of the relationship”. I corrected him and explained why I was so upset. I felt like I wasn’t important… and that scared me because the last time I felt like that, he broke up with me. He told me he wasn’t sure we wanted the same thing. He said he thought I was ready for a serious relationship and he didn’t want to commit to that. He told me he didn’t think I was “the one”. I told him that was fine, that I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t like me enough to be in a relationship. He said I deserved better. I agreed. What caused the break up was quite trivial and could have been worked out if we were both invested in making it work…. but apparently he wasn’t. So it’s better I found that out at the beginning, rather than six months from now.

Instead of getting angry or letting any tears fall, I told him he was stupid. It probably was not the most mature way to end a break-up, but he smiled. I gave him a hug and he walked out to his car.

Since then we’ve only two short conversations on g-chat. He’s always nice and seems super interested in what’s going on in my life, but as much as I’d like to be his friend, I’m not ready to let him back in yet. When he asked if we could still be friends I told him, “You can’t just break up with me and then expect me to be your friend right away. If you don’t care enough about me to date me, then you don’t deserve to benefit from my friendship while I’m still hurting.”

So yeah, the second time around I was smarter. The wounds aren’t nearly as deep, the pain is disappearing quickly and I’m growing stronger. Time is taking its course.

But still, I have to let these scars heal completely.

So, hello again

I’m the type of person who likes to be genuine and fully committed.  I  prefer to be honest and real in all that I do. So when I didn’t feel like blogging for almost two months, I didn’t force myself. I knew it would be pressed and come across as fake and I never want that to happen. I’m sorry for leaving you all so abruptly; it wasn’t planned, I promise. Maybe I just needed a break. I’m not sure what came over me. I thought about blogging almost daily. I opened my reader every few days and browsed through blogs, curious as to what was happening in all your lives. I smiled hugely when I saw new comments asking if I was ever coming back. I missed you all, but I still wasn’t ready to jump back in. Then tonight, unexpectedly, I was filled with motivation and the desire to write. So, hello again.

I really cannot believe how much time has passed. There is so much I want to share with you.

Did you know that I got back together with The Boy after my last post? Did you know that we dated for almost  a month, he was perfect, and then he broke up with me again? Did you also know that I’m not nearly as heartbroken as the first time (perhaps because I guarded my heart more securely this time around) and honestly, I’m not  entirely surprised at how things have turned out?

Did you know that I’ve been working crazy long days, but loving almost every minute of my job? Seriously, I have the best co-workers and I am so thankful to work for such an amazing company. I love that I get to impact the lives of children and adolescents on a daily basis and see their relationships with their families improving. Amazing.

Did you know that I’ve had a conversation or two with C over the past few weeks? It was the first time I was able to talk openly with him about The Boy and he was honest enough to give me his opinion and point of view about the situation. He explained how he felt that I “quickly become emotionally attached” in relationships which “can be a good thing, or a terrible thing in the wrong hands”… and that “because of [my] past, those feelings mean more to [me] than most people”. Umm… exactly. That guy knows me so well. Before we hung up I was sure to thank him profusely for a free therapy session.

Did you know that I’ve made some major progress on my 101 in 1001? Well I have and you should go check it out.

So let’s review, shall we? Since I last blogged, I got back together with the boy, had a few weeks of bliss, was broken up with again, began moving on, spent many long hours at work, and re-focused my attention on myself.  I’ve spent my days doing what I need to be happy. I’ve begun reading a new book, I’ve explored new music, I’ve talked to friends, I’ve drank wine, and I’ve run a few extra minutes past my goal on the treadmill. I’ve been trying to empower myself. Things are good. So… what’s new with you?


I feel like I’ve been taken on an adventure over the past week which was kind of exhilarating, but also extremely frustrating. And of course this has to do with The Boy.

We had a three hour conversation last Monday evening. After I told him about my horrible dating story, he told me I shouldn’t settle. He said I was a catch. Then he told me that he had been in a funk since he ended things and that he missed me. He told me that he was still confused, but that he really missed talking to me. He said he likes me, but isn’t sure that we’re “right for each other” or that we “have enough in common”. I asked him what all of this meant. Did he want to try to work things out? He said that he wasn’t sure and that he was really sorry for messing with my head.

We continued talking all week. He initiated each conversation, but I complied. I missed talking to him too.

On Sunday we had another long conversation. He told me that part of him wanted to try again, but that he was scared he would change his mind and he was petrified to hurt me. I told him I needed an answer one way or the other… soon. I couldn’t keep talking every day if we were just going to be friends. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. He said he understood.

Yesterday we talked again. He told me that he decided we should just be friends. I told him that was fine if that’s what he really wanted, but I didn’t want him to throw away this chance just because he was scared of hurting me. He said he couldn’t fully commit to me- some days he thinks he likes me a lot, some days he likes me but feels something is missing, and some days he thinks he is just lonely and wants a girlfriend.

And if that is how he honestly feels then I agree. We should just be friends. I don’t want a guy who is just lukewarm about me. So now begins the real journey of moving on as I attempt to move The Boy into the “friend” compartment.

Dating Is Like Baseball

Okay, so before I get any more “awww, he sounds so sweet” comments, I want to clear something up.Yes, this guy was sweet on the date and put some thought into where he wanted to kiss me, but it wasn’t all sparkles and rainbows.

And I will not be seeing this guy again.

For several reasons.

One: He forgot my name. Seriously. (STRIKE ONE)

Two: He was on a talk show… last week. He brought this up on our date. To make things even worse, he was on this show for dating advice because he is “too clingy” and has been known to call girls repeatedly and even drive by their houses to see if they are home. He told me he is now in counseling for this. (STRIKE TWO and RED FLAG)

Three: When he asked me out for the second date, he asked if we could rent a movie. Which, sure, okay, whatever. But then he asked if we could watch it at my apartment. I don’t know about you, but I don’t really let random guys come over on the second date. Especially when I know they have a history of stalking girls. So I asked if we could go to his place instead or maybe just go out for dinner… .and he got an attitude. Not cool. (STRIKE THREE)

With all of this drama after just one date? He’s out of the game. I’m sure you don’t disagree with my decision.

A Kiss on the Bridge

We began texting a few days ago. Last night was no different. But eventually the casual “hey, how’s it going?” and “what are you up to tonight?” led to “want to meet up at Local Bar in 30 minutes?”

And that’s how the first date came to be.

He bought me a beer and we sat at a small table in the corner. He asked me to tell him more about myself. I talked about the time I spent in France and the past two years in New York. I learned where he grew up and where his family lives now. We argued over whether Austin or Dallas was the cooler city. (Obviously Austin, duh!) We commiserated about how boring our small little town can be. We talked about music, religion, and education. He told me he was “really attracted” to me and that it was almost “palpable”. And then he asked when he could kiss me. I smiled and told him “not right now because that would be completely awkward from across the table”. He laughed.

When we finished our drinks he asked if I would like to go for a walk.

“Umm…” I replied. Back in New York, going for a walk would be a normal activity, but here? In small town Texas? Not so much.

“We could go over to the bridge. It’s not that cold out.”

“Yeah… I guess we could,” I said, still not understanding.

“You don’t want to go, do you?”

“It’s not that… it just seems a little weird. People don’t really walk a lot here.”

“You’re making this really difficult on me!” he joked. “I wanted to take you to the bridge so I could kiss you there.”

“Oh.” I smiled.

A few minutes later we were shrugging on our jackets and leaving the bar. We walked the few short blocks to the bridge and stood overlooking the water. He told me funny stories about his friends. We laughed at the ducks quacking loudly below us. We talked some more. I looked at him and then back out to the water.


“Can I kiss you yet?” he asked.