It’s Friday night and I’m home alone. I don’t mind it though. Actually, I prefer home to most other places. Home is comfortable and relaxed. Not to say that I don’t like new places and being put out of my comfort zone. But tonight I wanted to be home. I wanted to sit on the new couch, spend some time writing and thinking, drink wine, and watch some mindless television. The fancy clothes, expensive drinks, and small talk weren’t on the to do list.
Last night I spent almost an hour on the phone with C. We talked about a lot, but didn’t really resolve anything.There were a lot of tears, a lot of angry words, but some sweet, reassuring words, too. However, the conversation ended with him saying he wanted to “take a break”. I cried and we hung up a few minutes later.
I didn’t want this again. We have been through so much over the past 5 years, ups and downs. I thought this was just another down.
Maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s the end?
I don’t know.
He mentioned that I should figure out what I want, what I need, and learn to take care of myself.
I guess it’s (partially?) true. I relied on C for a lot, probably more than I should have, during our relationship. But these past few months have been especially hard for me and I didn’t know where else to turn. He was my rock and solid ground when everything else seemed to be falling apart. I needed that. I needed something to keep me from falling too.
But since he’s not there anymore, I’m hoping that being able to lean on him for those months has allowed me to become strong enough to handle myself- by myself.