Five Months

It’s been five months since my dad died and it still doesn’t seem real.

I still miss him every single day. I still want to call him and tell him what happened at school or how my weekend was so much fun.

So, today is five months. I didn’t even realize it until I got a text message from my step-mother at 7:45 this morning saying she’d been up all night thinking about me and my dad (does anyone else think this is weird? I could write a entire other blog about her behavior, but I digress). And then I started crying.

I brought some pictures of him with me today. I kept them in my planner. I wanted to have him close to me, to know that he is still here even if I can’t call him on the phone.

This afternoon I had some time before my therapy appointment, so I went to Central Park for a while. I sat in the grass, looked at the pictures, and let myself cry.

In therapy I talked about how hard my day had been so far. I showed my therapist the pictures and she said she thought it was a good idea that I brought them with me. I told her the story of the last time I saw my dad, how I found out he died, and the events the day of the memorial service. I cried and she cried with me.

Tonight I had my Group Therapy class. Last week I told one of the other students about my dad and how I want to talk about him, but something has been holding me back. He said he would help me this week and encourage me to share it with the group. So tonight I did it. I talked about my dad and how today brought up so many emotions for me. It was hard, but I did it. My group was so supportive and gave me great feedback. They told me I was so brave for sharing. They said it was the saddest story they had ever heard. They said they were proud of me. By the end of the session I was physically and emotionally drained.

Five months. Time goes so fast.

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18 responses to “Five Months

  1. I’m glad you were able to share your story and feelings with others today. It really does take bravery to do things like that.

  2. Little Miss Obsessive

    I think it’s great that you shared your story with the group. I know that must have been hard. I think sometimes it seems easier to bottle up feelings and hide them away but I think its much better (and braver) to talk about them and let yourself cry. I admire your strength and bravery.

  3. My dad died 5 years ago. The pain never goes away but it does get better. If you ever need to talk I’m here 🙂

  4. It’s so hard to share how you are feeling with people. You are so brave to do so. 🙂

  5. It’s so good that you were able to share that with people…I can’t even imagine how hard it must be.

    Time really does go by so fast, it’s really amazing, and kind of scary.

    stay strong..your an amazing person!

  6. I agree with everyone, you are incredibly brave to share your story and you are an amazing person. Sending good thoughts your way.

  7. My grandfather died 4 months ago and there is rarely a day that goes by when I dont think of him at some point. His death has been hard to take, but I can’t even imagine losing my dad. So to you- my deepest and most sincere sympathies. Good for you for being so brave and sharing with your group your story.

  8. oh u almost made me cry. i know how important dad’s are, i cant imagine what it must be like for you. i hope u feel better soon, it sounds nice that you took pictures in of him, sounds like a good idea.

  9. I remember when you first talked about going to see a therapist, and started going to group therapy, and every time you posted something related to your dad and getting through this impossibly hard time in your life, I thought to myself, “she is SO brave.” I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling, but hopefully you can continue to share your pain so other people can help shoulder the burden.

  10. you are very brave.

  11. It takes a strength to move foward and go on with your life when you go through a loss like that. You are very strong and this will only make you stronger. Sending you hugs, if you ever need someone to listen I’m here.

  12. I’m sorry Ashley! I haven’t lost a parent, and I can’t even imagine how terrible that feels. Sounds like you and your dad were close and that’s wonderful. Of course you know that a lot of people aren’t fortunate enough to have strong close relationships with their parents. I’m glad that you have good memories of him that you’ll keep forever.
    That’s neat that your therapist cried with you. I’ve never heard of a therapist doing that…
    I’m thinking of you this morning! *Big Bear Hug*

  13. well-intentioned heartbreaker

    ashley. you continually amaze me. you have the strength of a freakin’ warrior. don’t be afraid to let yourself cry and share your story. though i can’t imagine the feeling of losing a parent, i’m always here for you, whether it’s to talk about your dad, or laugh about something completely unrelated =)

  14. I honestly didn’t realize it had been that recent.

    You are so much stronger than I could ever be.

    Best wishes, prayers, and hugs.

  15. Last week was the 8 year anniversary of my dad’s death. It takes a lot of courage to talk about it, but I’m sure that your healing will be so much healthier as a result. I don’t really ever talk about it, and I’m probably a total mess as a result. Hang in there and lean on to the people who are important to you and you’ll get through it.

  16. The Awkward Type

    Im really proud of you sharing with your class. I imagine that would be hard.

    You’re in my thoughts.

  17. (So late catching up on my reader!)

    I’m glad you were able to share with your therapist and your group about your dad. I can’t even imagine being without my dad, and you’ve been so strong in dealing with it all :o)

  18. I just read through the archives about your dad because I wasn’t reading when he passed away. But I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how it must feel to lose a parent.

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