You know what, bloggy friends? I just remembered that I forgot to tell you about last weekend. Not this past weekend, but the one before. I know I’m late, but I’ve had other important things to blog about. Anyway, last weekend…
I saw C. It was the first time since the break-up, or actually it was the first time since the beginning of August. The first time we saw each other in months.
He came into the city for the day, just to get away. He told me a few days before that he was coming and asked if he could bring some of my stuff. Even though I knew I was going to be busy working on my comp exam, I told him it would be fine. It seemed easier than having him ship boxes and then me having to go pick them up at the post office (Why do they always deliver packages when I’m not home??). So yes, I agreed to see him.
We created some rules because we both know how we are when we get together. We end up talking, we hug, someone gets that look in their eyes, feelings start to resurface, and then it’s too late. So, we had rules. He would bring my stuff, we would talk for 5 minutes, and then he would leave.
When the door bell rang I had just gotten out of the shower. I hadn’t even dried my hair yet. Great. Not what I wanted. How am I supposed to make you regret breaking up with me when I have wet hair??
Hi, how are you? Good to see you again. Here’s your stuff. Thanks, you can put it down over here. Can I use your computer to check my email? Sure, do you want a glass of water? Blah, blah, blah, this is awkward.
After about 30 minutes we started saying our good-byes. He invited me to lunch, but I declined thinking it was for the best. We hugged for a long time. I told him I missed him. He said the same. It was sad and we both cried. But then he left.
A few minutes later I realized I wasn’t ready to let him go just yet. I debated back and forth about what to do. Finally I texted him and asked if he was still close by. He had decided to eat lunch at the restaurant downstairs. Right. I knew this was too easy.
So I had lunch with him. We talked about our families, about friends, school, and the past. We laughed like old friends catching up. We smiled and it was easy. It was really good.
Then the conversation took a turn.
“I’m glad that we can sit and talk like this and that we are trying to be friends, I’m just worried about what will happen when one of us starts seriously dating someone else,” I said.
“Oh, I kind of already am,” he replied.
WHAT? Like seriously dating? It’s been what, like 5 weeks?
It took all my strength to hold back the tears. I did not want to cry over this. I am (or was, kind of) dating someone too, it’s just not serious. I want C to be happy. I want him to date other people. I do. I just don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want to hear that he’s happy with someone else and “really likes her”. I don’t want to hear it. Ugh!
It felt like my heart was breaking all over again.
I held in the tears and didn’t say much. He knew what he said. He apologized. He said it wasn’t serious, but that it could be. Thanks, but that doesn’t help much.
We left the restaurant shortly after that. He walked me back my apartment. We stood outside for a few minutes and talked.
I wasn’t angry or sad (about the other girl) anymore, just upset that he was leaving. I was sad because I was about to watch the past 6 years of my life walk away. Six years. And he was about to walk away.
We hugged again. I wrapped my arms tightly around him and grabbed his head, like I always used to do. I felt him cry. I hugged him tighter. We looked at each and said that we were sorry this is how things turned out, but that we would talk soon. We grabbed hands and with tears in his eyes he began to walk away.
I was being the strong one this time. I wasn’t crying.
He kept walking, farther away. I flashed a small smile and waved.
I walked inside… and then I broke down.