I hate that I am so depressed and my life has been filled with such sadness and anger lately. Because, honestly, when I look at the big picture I have so much to be thankful for and I am so blessed. I have my family. I have a mother and sister who love me very much. I have wonderful friends. I am doing well in school. I am healthy. And overall, I am incredibly happy.
But life sucks right now.
My grandma is dying. She had a heart attack last Thursday, has a major blockage in her small intestine, and suffers from Alzheimer’s. Today the doctors called hospice. We’re driving to Houston tomorrow with the hopes of being able to see her one last time.
I know my mother is trying to be strong, but I can see her falling apart inside. It makes me so sad.
My mother, sister, and I debated whether or not we should make the three hour drive tonight or wait until tomorrow. My sister and I voted for tonight. We reasoned that we may be too late if we wait until the morning. My mom disagreed and said we should get a good night sleep and go tomorrow. So we’re going tomorrow.
My sister got angry at the decision, slammed the door to her room and began blasting heavy metal music. I sat in the kitchen and helped my mom finish wrapping presents. A few minutes later my sister came out and asked if she could go drive around and get some food because she didn’t want to be home.
That’s when it started. My mom got upset. The discussion escalated into an argument and hurtful tones were used by both sides.
Usually I stay out of arguments that don’t involve me, but I got so frustrated with how they were speaking to each other. I stood up and yelled, “I hate that this is how things are when I come home! It’s so stressful and everyone gets so angry at each other. I wish I had never even come home!”
My mom started screaming and crying, “Well, I hate that my mom is dying! I hate that I have to make all these decisions and that we can’t go see her tonight because I am so tired that I just want to sleep. And I wish you didn’t have to come home to this either!”
A few more comments were made and then it was over. We each went to our respective rooms to fume, think, cry, and just be.
I hate that this is what happens when I come home. Ever since my parents divorced my freshman year of college, this is how it has been. Coming home has never been a time to relax and have fun together. It is always filled with arguments, fights, and stressful situations. I really hate it.
I thought maybe this time would be different, but I guess not. It’s so sad.