How it always is

I hate that I am so depressed and my life has been filled with such sadness and anger lately. Because, honestly, when I look at the big picture I have so much to be thankful for and I am so blessed. I have my family. I have a mother and sister who love me very much. I have wonderful friends. I am doing well in school. I am healthy. And overall, I am incredibly happy.

But life sucks right now.

My grandma is dying. She had a heart attack last Thursday, has a major blockage in her small intestine, and suffers from Alzheimer’s. Today the doctors called hospice. We’re driving to Houston tomorrow with the hopes of being able to see her one last time.

I know my mother is trying to be strong, but I can see her falling apart inside. It makes me so sad.

My mother, sister, and I debated whether or not we should make the three hour drive tonight or wait until tomorrow. My sister and I voted for tonight. We reasoned that we may be too late if we wait until the morning. My mom disagreed and said we should get a good night sleep and go tomorrow. So we’re going tomorrow.

My sister got angry at the decision, slammed the door to her room and began blasting heavy metal music. I sat in the kitchen and helped my mom finish wrapping presents. A few minutes later my sister came out and asked if she could go drive around and get some food because she didn’t want to be home.

That’s when it started. My mom got upset. The discussion escalated into an argument and hurtful tones were used by both sides.

Usually I stay out of arguments that don’t involve me, but I got so frustrated with how they were speaking to each other. I stood up and yelled, “I hate that this is how things are when I come home! It’s so stressful and everyone gets so angry at each other. I wish I had never even come home!”

My mom started screaming and crying, “Well, I hate that my mom is dying! I hate that I have to make all these decisions and that we can’t go see her tonight because I am so tired that I just want to sleep. And I wish you didn’t have to come home to this either!”

A few more comments were made and then it was over. We each went to our respective rooms to fume, think, cry, and just be.

I hate that this is what happens when I come home. Ever since my parents divorced my freshman year of college, this is how it has been. Coming home has never been a time to relax and have fun together. It is always filled with arguments, fights, and stressful situations. I really hate it.

I thought maybe this time would be different, but I guess not. It’s so sad.


35 responses to “How it always is

  1. I feel like I could have written the exact same post. I’m not home yet, but I’m pretty sure it will be a carbon copy of your experience. It’s so hard to love your family and get so incredibly stressed out and upset when you see them.

    I’m so sorry about your Grandma… what a shitty time of year for that to be happening. My Grandpa died the day after Christmas about 5 years ago and it’s tough for sure. I’ll be thinking about you!

  2. Awww, Ashley… I’m so sorry.

    It sounds like you are three very strong-willed women who would be unstoppable if you were all on the same path. It’s hard to do with such hurt surrounding the entire house.

    I hope the three of you find a way to bind together during this tumultuous time. Breaking out of this pattern will help all three of you immensely. My family went through a similar thing with the death of my Grandparents.

    The pain was so great, and we were the only ones who understood just how tortured we felt.

  3. I’m so sorry to hear about your grandma. I know how hard it was when we put both of mine in hospice care when it became that time. And although it’s sad, you should definitely take solace in the fact that the hospice will do whatever they can to make her comfortable.

    I hope that when you wake up tomorrow, you and your family can have a fresh start to the day.

  4. I’m sorry you are having a rough night. Fights and death and two tough subjects, especially during the holiday season. Stay strong and stick with your family. You will need them for support on your trip to Houston.

    Wishing you the best of luck!

  5. Aw–this sucks majorly. Just let me know when you need to get away from it all. Have a safe trip to Houston.

  6. Ugh…I’m sorry Ashley. I hope things look up soon and that you guys enjoy your time together.

  7. Wickedly Scarlett

    I’m so sorry about everything Ashley 😦 I’ve had my fair share of knock down dragout fights with my family in times of stress and almost every time, just going to our separate corners and getting some rest was all we needed to start fresh in the morning. I hope that you get to Houston safely and can spend some time with your grandmother. I’ll be thinking of you.

  8. Awww I’m sorry Ashley 😦 I hope things get better and you get to see your grandmother. It sucks when times get tough and the people you love end up taking it out on each other. Just try to remember to all love each other and support each other. And try to have happy holidays…I’m thinking of you!

  9. Awe, ashley..I hate that you have to go through so much heartbreak. I wish the best holiday season for you..despite all this.

  10. New to your blog, but can totally relate. My parents divorced when I was in grade 10 in high school and the dynamic was (obviously) not the same, will never be. While we’re mostly past the horrible yelling stage, there is still stress, different arguments and overall tension. You come to be grateful for your own place.

    I really am enjoying your blog so far. You write so honestly and I love it 🙂 Hope your tomorrow is filled with less stress and more love.


  11. Awww, baby. I’m so sorry you’re not having a good time at home. I think it will pass, everyone is so stressed during the holidays. Seriously, my Mom starts acting like the grinch when December hits and once xmas passes, she is fine.

    I’m sorry about your grandmother. I hope you sleep well and get to have a better day tomm!

  12. I’m so sorry to hear about your grandma and everything else that’s going on. 😦 I’ve been there, and in many ways, I am in a similar situation now and it’s awful. I’ll be thinking of you and your family during this time.

  13. *Hugs!! Hope it gets better! At least your grandmother will know just how much the three of you care and she will never forget it! When you see her, my advice, is to just BE in the moment. I spent the last night with my grandfather (he had his 8th heart attack and was dying) and I will never forget it. It was the saddest most amazing moment of my life!

  14. This is such tough stuff to go through. I could have written this same post a million times over the course of the last several years. Thinking of you and your family – it’s a tough time for everyone and it’s hard to walk in to as you are.

  15. Scarlett Off Course

    It is so hard to see parents vulnerable. I sometimes wish I was young and didn’t have to feel the need to share the burden of stuff like that with my parents. That sounded selfish. Anyway, sorry your family is having a hard time around the holidays.

  16. Ashley,

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I sent you an email. Hang in there!


  17. I’m so sorry this is what you’ve had to come home to. I have to say, though, that I’m glad everyone seems to be seriously honest about what they’re feeling. Your sister admitted she just wanted to go drive around instead of stay home, your mom admitted she’s just seriously upset that her mom is dying, and you expressed how upsetting it is for you to come home to an argument. I know it may not sound comforting, but I know alot of families where it’s all mayhem and everyone blames everyone else for their attitude. Eh.

    It’s tough, this growing up. When you’re little, you don’t really have to worry about things like this – or at least, you’re a bit more sheltered from it. It’s tough being an adult and coming home, realizing that things aren’t always as sweet and simple as they should be. Even around the holidays.

    I truly hope things get better for you – hopefully you, your mom and everyone else can find the strength to just stay close to eachother during this time.

    You’re in my thoughts!

  18. I’m so sorry. It takes a long time for things to stabilize after divorce – never mind after going through the loss of a family member.

    From my experience it will get better in time, when everything’s not so raw. I hope that’s what happens for you too.

  19. Ashley, I’m very sad for you, it must be tough to go through all of this at once, let alone during the Christmas season. You’re in my thoughts.

  20. So sorry, girl. Hope your grandmother is not in any pain. We’re all clearly thinking about you – hang in there.

  21. Oh, Ashley.
    What a shit time of year to go through this (not that there is ever a time of year to go through this, but I think you know what I meant).
    While there are arguments taking place all around you, I am sure that your mom and sister are thrilled that you are home and wish things were different themselves.
    Sending you hugs, well wishes and prayers for your family.

  22. Going home is never easy especially when times are hard. My thoughts and prayers are with you sweetie. I hope it gets better soon! 🙂

  23. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now, Ashley. Let me know if you ever need to vent or talk ❤

  24. Oh man, I’m sorry to hear that. The holidays aren’t a time when we should be stressed out and angry. But, that’s how it is sometimes. I hope your grandmother gets better. But, most of all, I hope your family can come together and enjoy each other’s company.

  25. My mom died a couple years ago and I wish I had never yelled at her regardless of any reason. It was a hard time facing the death of a family. Everyone was extra emotional, extra frustrated and extra sensitive. It’s a difficult time to go through so it’s easy to get on each others’ nerves.

    Nothing my sister did seem right to me when we were burying our mother.

    I hope you realize what a blessing it is to still have your family around you! When it’s gone, there’s no where you’d rather be than home.

  26. Oh honey I’m so sorry. I know you’re going through a lot right now but I’m sending you positive thoughts and hoping things turn around very soon.

  27. Oh Ashley, I can’t tell you how much I hate reading this. My heart goes out to you in the biggest of ways.

    Even though life is objectively so good, bad things still happen, and you should know that it’s more than okay to loudly proclaim that Life Sucks because sometimes, really, living day to day is harder than any combination of positive factors. Feelings and sadness and disappointment are totally universal.

    XOXO. Merry Christmas, my dear, and hoping for a lot of goodness where you are…

  28. i am so, so sorry for all you’re going through. sending some caring thoughts your way.

  29. This breaks my heart. It’s hard when everyone has to deal with emotions like this all at one time. Your family is in my thoughts.

  30. I’m soo sorry about your grandma. I know it’s hard when families fight but hopefully you can come together and appreciate each other for the holidays. It’s always so hard and it’s okay to be sad even though the bigger picture tells you otherwise. You need to allow yourself to be sad and to grieve. Sending you hugs!

  31. *HUGS* Very sorry to hear about your grandma. I hope you and your family can find some peace in the near future.

  32. So srry about your Grandma that can be a very hard situation and obviously add extra stress around the holidays, I’ll send some prayers your guy’s way..keep your chin up!

  33. sarahbelledotcom

    Sweetheart – I am so, so, so incredibly sorry about the stress and loss you are going through right now. Especially during the holidays.
    (I’m going to sound like a mother here, but shush) You are so damn strong, and have such an amazing spirit. I know it must be hard, by try to keep your head up. Good things will come your way, I’m sure of it.
    If you need ANYTHING, I’m only an email away! ox

  34. seriously ashley i just want to give you a huge hug right now. families can be so stressful sometimes. hopefully things will get a little bit better and you’ll get to enjoy the holidays. and hope your grandmother is okay. hugs, hugs, hugs 🙂

  35. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. Sending hugs, cause that’s all I’ve got.

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