I miss him

You know what sucks? When you are in a really crappy mood and all you want to do is talk to your Ex. That’s where I’ve been for the past 3 days.

I have no desire to talk to anyone… except him. But I won’t let myself. I won’t pick up the phone and dial his number. We aren’t together anymore. He’s not my person anymore. I can’t rely on him to make me feel better. I need to get through this myself.

I talked to my therapist about this yesterday afternoon (as that plane crashed into the Hudson) and she said it was understandable that I would want to talk to him. He was a big part of my life for years. It’s normal that I would want to talk to him.

I want to call him and talk about my dad. I want to tell him how much I wish my dad was still here. I want to reminisce. He was the person I shared my dad with. He was there with me when I went to visit my dad. When my dad was drunk and passing out on the couch, C was there with me. He held me while I cried. He was there for our family dinners at Olive Garden and held my hand because he knew how embarrassed I was for my dad. He sat with me for hours when I found out my dad was getting re-married. He let me sing Mmmbop at the top of my lungs to keep myself from crying. He listened as I talked through my thoughts for hours and hours. He came to the wedding with me. He held my hand and danced with me. He talked to me on the phone as we drove the 3 hours back to our respective college campuses. He was there through it all and he understood. He was my rock. He’s what brought me through all those years.

And I miss that.

Now I feel like I am alone. I don’t have a rock. I don’t have a person. My mom and sister have their own issues to deal with. I can’t burden them with mine. My friends are busy with their lives. And I’m sure I could turn to them if I really needed to, but like I said, I don’t want to talk to anyone else but him. My ex.

I want him to be there for me. I want to know that I can count on him when I have no where to turn. I want him to answer the phone and listen. I want to know that someone cares. I want to feel like I’m not alone.

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35 responses to “I miss him

  1. I’m so sorry you are going through this feeling. Have you two tried being just friends? Just being support systems since you have so much deep emotional history like that? Is it possible to have that type of relationship?

  2. i'm sorry you are going through these feelings & emotions hun. although it is hard & you feel alone there is someone else out there for you, the right one that will be your rock once again. these kinds of situations only make us stronger, right?

  3. I know exactly how you feel. Just be strong. The feeling will pass…it will come back, but each time it is a little less strong.

    *hugs*

  4. I can definitely relate. Even years later, there are still times when I really “need” my Ex and he’s the only one who I think would understand.

    Do’nt call him. No matter how bad you feel. If you don’t get the result that you need (ie, him understanding and making you feel better) you’re going to feel even worse.

  5. I am sorry you are feeling this way Ashley. I know that we’re not him and didn’t go through all those things with you, but if you need to talk you know we are all here for you! Email me if you need to. Sending lots of good thoughts and hugs your way!

  6. My heart goes out to you, Ash.

    I don’t have any advice, just open ears.

    Hugs.

  7. Aw, sweetie.

    The one thing I’ve always hated the most about break-ups and the aftermath is the ONE person you want to talk to the most during times of crises and emotions is the ONE person you know you shouldn’t talk to. If only our hearts were as smart as our heads sometimes.

    Like the other ladies who have commented here, you will get through it. You will find your inner strength that will propel you through the emotions, the missing your father, the bad days.

    And yes, you’ll still want to talk to him, but each time he comes up, the desire will be less and less strong.

    It’s natural to feel this way. I only wish I could help you.

    Big Midwestern hugs are being sent your way. I like to pretend they fix everything.

    (and sorry for the book I just left on your comment wall!)

  8. The Maiden Metallurgist

    You aren’t alone. And I am sure that your friends who you think are too busy with their lives would love to be there for you. That is friendship. Let them.

  9. sorry you’ve been feeling down and missing C. I’ve had those days myself and know how numbingly painful they can be. Hang in there, call a friend even if you don’t think you want to talk to them and let it out. That’s what friends are for!

  10. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s okay to miss him. It’s okay to miss your dad and want to talk to someone who remembers him so well. You just need to give it some time and let it pass.

  11. I think it's perfectly fine to miss him. I think you're actually doing yourself a big favor by not calling him because you're learning to depend on yourself, rather than him. It's certainly a tough lesson, but I think it'll serve you well in the future.

    I know you're not really up to talking, but I've got open ears if you change your mind.

    ❤ hang in there!

  12. I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. The hardest part of a breakup is figuring out what to do with all of that shared history and all of those feelings.
    It’s rough. I don’t have much to say in regards to it, I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you.

  13. I have been there. My ex was with me when my grandparents died and knew all of my family’s drama. It was so nice to know that he’s there.

    I am so sorry you’re missing him but I think you’re doing the right thing by not calling. Calling is what has gotten me into trouble numerous times. 🙂

    You have your blog friends. Not the same, I know. But we are here.

    ::Hugs::

  14. Oh ashley :(…You can do this…you can get through this…you CAN. You have my e-mail..I can always be your “person” that doesn’t really know you…lol..but I do love ya hun, and hope you feel better soon. Cause this whole feeling sad thing can really take a toll on a person.

  15. you seem to have written down everything that i have been feeling… here’s hoping we both get through it.

    just know that there are people (however random) out there that appreciate you and everything that you are going through.

  16. I’m so sorry. I know the ex situation is difficult. Just hang in there. Stay strong.

  17. notthelifeiordered

    I just want to give you a big hug. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I know the feeling well though. Stay strong and know there are lots of people who love you and support you!

  18. This is how I feel ALL THE TIME. My ex (of almost 4 years) and I broke up less than three months ago. it’s so frustrating because I just want to shake myself out of it. I can’t tell you if it’s going to get better, because I don’t really know. But I hope it does.

  19. sending you as many hugs as the internet can send, haha.

    sometimes it just sucks that we can’t go to the people that always used to be there for us, i definitely know how you feel. and you’ll make it.

  20. Everyone seems to be breaking up these days. I know exactly how you feel. My ex and I were college sweethearts- we both know each other better than anyone else. He broke up with me back in august and we tried to be friends- but it hurt too much! and he’s seeing someone else- i had to cut him off last month. But, please be strong! Know you are not alone- I have been there. Its hard, really hard, but dont give in! Dont call him! It will set you back and hurt ten times more! (Perhaps someday you can talk again, but its too painful to try to do that when you still love him. You cant be friends because you still want to be with him, and it will hurt when he starts to see other people, and you wont be able to heal!) I know we dont know each other, but if you ever need some encouragement or someone to vent to, i’m here. Things will hurt for a while, but they will start to get better and eventually, if things work out, maybe you could talk again. But be strong! *Big hugs* Know you are not alone girl!!

  21. I can really understand you. My father is just like yours was – and so is my ex-boyfriend. He held me when I cried at my 15th birthday, because my father was drunk and said some things that should have stayed unsaid.

    I know what you mean, because I’ve been through this, apart from the ending.

    You should call him, if you want to. I doubt that he will be angry, or anything like that – besides, this would be a good step to become friends. Real friends.

  22. I’m so sorry! Maybe a good thing to do would be to hand write a letter to him of everything you want to say. Then, seal it in an envelope and shred it. That way, it’s all written down and out of your head. Feel better sweetie!!

  23. I’m so sorry that you feel like you have no one to talk to when you’re feeling down. I hope that you find a way to get it out, maybe talking to an old friend from home, or writing it all down, like other people have said.

    Virtual hug!! (And maybe drinks and tapas soon?)

  24. I have been exactly here. You are going to be so much stronger when you get through this; it’s ridiculously hard and painful to resist calling him now, but it’s just one of those things. Like knot itching an itchy scab, right; someday soon, the temptation will be gone, and you’ll be all healed.

    We’re all pulling for you! Stay strong, and know that the future is so, so good.

  25. And by “knot” I obviously meant “not.” Riiight.

    Happy, happy Friday, Ashley!

  26. i have no constructive advice to offer you on the ex situation BUT i know what it feels like to sometimes feel so isolated that there’s no one out there who “gets” you and is readily available to listen to you dish out all of your feelings.

    just try to stay strong and focused!

  27. Classy in Philadelphia

    Sigh.

    This is exactly how I have been feeling this past week.

    He knew me best, and he knew how to make things better. Like you said, I don’t want to burden anyone else.

    It sounds like you guys had some good times, and he definitely helped you through a tough period but you WILL get through this, and you WILL find someone even better.

  28. Oh lovely. I’m sorry you are hurting. I have no words of insight when it comes to men (seriously. NO INSIGHT AT ALL) but I will say that I’ve kept things from my friends before because I didn’t want to ‘burden them’ and it was always a mistake. That’s what friendship is really, letting them take on some of what you are feeling. Let them do that for you. Thinking of you friend and if you ever need to vent or just tell your stories to… well, you can always email me!

  29. It sounds like this is hard for you and I hope that you will begin to feel better soon. Its always hard thinking about the person who was there for you when you needed them and when you need them now their not available or some circumstance has caused you guys not being able to be there for on another now. I honestly hope you feel better. Thanks for sharing.

  30. I’m so sorry your feeling so down!!

    It’s really rough when your used to having someone there and have to get used to going at it alone..

    I hope this phase passes quickly and your feeling better soon! 🙂

    Oh, and you WILL find someone who will make you feel that safe and happy again. I promise 🙂

  31. Ah, I get this. It’s hard when you go through so much with one person. I have this same issue, as do most of my friends. I’m proud of you for being strong and I think that it’s awesome that you realize that you shouldn’t rely on him. Hang in there Ash!

  32. This happens to me from time to time with my ex and I say if it makes you feel better, call him. If he’s any sort of good guy, he’ll listen, commiserate with you and not read any more into it.

    I’m sorry you’re hurting…

  33. sarahbelledotcom

    You have me.

    I’m not your ex (hah, that’d be awkward). But I’d MmmBop with you. Always.

    (Think Meredith-Cristina dance sessions).

    Ox.

  34. I know how you feel. I hated feeling alone after ex and broke up, so I let my ex come around for four years. We weren’t friends, exactly, but he gave me the attention I needed, even if I had to give up too much to get it. (I may have mentioned that before.) It was four years wasted. When I finally got over him and realized that he was never a friend, I felt free. One way I had to let go was to get rid of all the things I held onto because of him.. pictures, diaries, etc. I gave away the pictures and burned the diaries. What a feeling that way! haha. Anyway, I’m married now and I still am tempted sometimes to get in touch with him (when I’m feeling down usually.) With me, it’s that I want to still want to be wanted by him.. by anyone from my past, so I can feel like I was worth knowing), but it would be a major backslide for me.

    I know that the situation isn’t the same with you becasuse you actually had a relationship and you two shared a lot of things, but don’t give in to the temptation (unless a mutual friendship is something you both want.) When things seem down and there’s nothing else, it’s easy to want that old comfort and familiarity.. even if it’ll leave you feeling sorry later.

    I hope you can find a new person that you can share everything with. Make new memories, share new stories.. and that it will never end.

  35. little miss optimist

    I know exactly how you feel and I’ve been there, but I’m still in the stage where my ex comes back and it is on and off. You can pull through this, it hurts and hurts, and nothing anyone says will make you feel better but you know you just have to take it one day at a time. And eventually, it hurts less and less, and I definitely understand the moments when allyou wanna do is talk to him…just be strong 😦

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