You know what sucks? When you are in a really crappy mood and all you want to do is talk to your Ex. That’s where I’ve been for the past 3 days.
I have no desire to talk to anyone… except him. But I won’t let myself. I won’t pick up the phone and dial his number. We aren’t together anymore. He’s not my person anymore. I can’t rely on him to make me feel better. I need to get through this myself.
I talked to my therapist about this yesterday afternoon (as that plane crashed into the Hudson) and she said it was understandable that I would want to talk to him. He was a big part of my life for years. It’s normal that I would want to talk to him.
I want to call him and talk about my dad. I want to tell him how much I wish my dad was still here. I want to reminisce. He was the person I shared my dad with. He was there with me when I went to visit my dad. When my dad was drunk and passing out on the couch, C was there with me. He held me while I cried. He was there for our family dinners at Olive Garden and held my hand because he knew how embarrassed I was for my dad. He sat with me for hours when I found out my dad was getting re-married. He let me sing Mmmbop at the top of my lungs to keep myself from crying. He listened as I talked through my thoughts for hours and hours. He came to the wedding with me. He held my hand and danced with me. He talked to me on the phone as we drove the 3 hours back to our respective college campuses. He was there through it all and he understood. He was my rock. He’s what brought me through all those years.
And I miss that.
Now I feel like I am alone. I don’t have a rock. I don’t have a person. My mom and sister have their own issues to deal with. I can’t burden them with mine. My friends are busy with their lives. And I’m sure I could turn to them if I really needed to, but like I said, I don’t want to talk to anyone else but him. My ex.
I want him to be there for me. I want to know that I can count on him when I have no where to turn. I want him to answer the phone and listen. I want to know that someone cares. I want to feel like I’m not alone.