On Saturday I woke up with all intentions of being productive and finishing my 6-page journal that is due each Sunday at midnight (which, by the way, ended up being 39 pages by the time I finished and responded to last week’s comments. 39 pages!). My alarm went off at 7:30am and I crawled out of bed. I turned on my laptop and began typing.
A few minutes later I started crying.
I felt overwhelmed and completely stressed out. It didn’t help that I was trying to write about my biases and stereotypes of other people. It’s emotionally draining to think about who you are and why you think the way you do. “What does it mean to be White? What privileges are you granted because you are American? How have you been oppressed as a woman? What socialization experiences have led you to believe you are Christian? As a member of the middle class how do you view the other social classes?”
So as I started at my computer screen I let myself cry.
Sitting there with the tears falling I began thinking about everything that was stressing me out.
Money. If I don’t have a job within 3 weeks of graduation, I won’t be able to pay rent. I’ll be homeless. If I go out to eat more than once a month, I’ll go over my budget.
Missing my dad. I’ve been doing better with this. I’ve been letting myself grieve and cry when I feel sad and it’s becoming less frequent. But when I really start missing him the feeling overwhelms me and can’t stop myself from crying uncontrollably.
Job Searching. I’ve applied for several jobs through Monster.com and other similar career sites, but have heard little in response. I know it’s still only February, but I’m getting worried. See “money”.
And life. It’s exhausting. I’m tired. I want to lay down in bed with the covers pulled up over my face and sleep until I wake up. I have slept later than 8:30am in months.
I want to have a plan. I want to know what I’ll be doing in three months. I want to have a safety net in case I fall.
I don’t want to tired, frustrated, and scared anymore.