Papers, tears, and life

On Saturday I woke up with all intentions of being productive and finishing my 6-page journal that is due each Sunday at midnight (which, by the way, ended up being 39 pages by the time I finished and responded to last week’s comments. 39 pages!). My alarm went off at 7:30am and I crawled out of bed. I turned on my laptop and began typing.

A few minutes later I started crying.

I felt overwhelmed and completely stressed out. It didn’t help that I was trying to write about my biases and stereotypes of other people. It’s emotionally draining to think about who you are and why you think the way you do. “What does it mean to be White? What privileges are you granted because you are American? How have you been oppressed as a woman? What socialization experiences have led you to believe you are Christian? As a member of the middle class how do you view the other social classes?”

So as I started at my computer screen I let myself cry.

Sitting there with the tears falling I began thinking about everything that was stressing me out.

Money. If I don’t have a job within 3 weeks of graduation, I won’t be able to pay rent. I’ll be homeless. If I go out to eat more than once a month, I’ll go over my budget.

Missing my dad. I’ve been doing better with this. I’ve been letting myself grieve and cry when I feel sad and it’s becoming less frequent. But when I really start missing him the feeling overwhelms me and can’t stop myself from crying uncontrollably.

Job Searching. I’ve applied for several jobs through Monster.com and other similar career sites, but have heard little in response. I know it’s still only February, but I’m getting worried. See “money”.

And life. It’s exhausting. I’m tired. I want to lay down in bed with the covers pulled up over my face and sleep until I wake up. I have slept later than 8:30am in months.

I want to have a plan. I want to know what I’ll be doing in three months. I want to have a safety net in case I fall.

I don’t want to tired, frustrated, and scared anymore.

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82 responses to “Papers, tears, and life

  1. Aw! I’m sorry about all of that. It sucks!

    I had a complete break down two weeks ago. Sometimes you need to let your frustration out by crying.

    It tends to help me feel better.

  2. Aw! I’m sorry about all of that. It sucks!

    I had a complete break down two weeks ago. Sometimes you need to let your frustration out by crying.

    It tends to help me feel better.

  3. I am sorry Ashley. You have so much on your plate. I agree, crying is the best release. Its so scary to have to worry about everything.

  4. I am sorry Ashley. You have so much on your plate. I agree, crying is the best release. Its so scary to have to worry about everything.

  5. Oh lovely, I’m sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have a lot going on… I’m definitely one of those girls who finds crying makes me feel better though. I know it might sound silly, but if there was anything I could do to make you feel better (including sending you topless pictures of Bradley Cooper), I would want you to tell me!

  6. Oh, Ashley.
    My recipe when life gets like this: sleep as late as I possibly can, cry whenever I need too and eat without guilt a hot fudge sunday.
    Putting good thoughts & vibes out there for you.
    Hugs from the MidWest,
    Nora

  7. Oh lovely, I’m sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have a lot going on… I’m definitely one of those girls who finds crying makes me feel better though. I know it might sound silly, but if there was anything I could do to make you feel better (including sending you topless pictures of Bradley Cooper), I would want you to tell me!

  8. Oh, Ashley.
    My recipe when life gets like this: sleep as late as I possibly can, cry whenever I need too and eat without guilt a hot fudge sunday.
    Putting good thoughts & vibes out there for you.
    Hugs from the MidWest,
    Nora

  9. I'm so sorry. I wish I had words of advice to offer you–but I've been there and the best I could manage at the time was to just push through. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it takes patience. You've got a lot on your plate and I admire you for being as strong as you are. Hang in there ❤

  10. I'm so sorry. I wish I had words of advice to offer you–but I've been there and the best I could manage at the time was to just push through. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it takes patience. You've got a lot on your plate and I admire you for being as strong as you are. Hang in there ❤

  11. sorry Ashley. I really wish I could help somehow 😦 I guess you need to take your time just to cry and do little happy things to cheer you up a little. Breakdown is normal, I had one a few days ago. Not pretty, but I feel better afterward.

  12. sorry Ashley. I really wish I could help somehow 😦 I guess you need to take your time just to cry and do little happy things to cheer you up a little. Breakdown is normal, I had one a few days ago. Not pretty, but I feel better afterward.

  13. I'll be thinking of you Ashley. I hope things get less chaotic for you, I really do. I mean, I know they will in time, but just know you have the strength to get through it. And when you feel like you don't? There's always us.

    Hang in there.

  14. I'll be thinking of you Ashley. I hope things get less chaotic for you, I really do. I mean, I know they will in time, but just know you have the strength to get through it. And when you feel like you don't? There's always us.

    Hang in there.

  15. That’s such a lot to have weighing on your mind, and I’m so sorry it’s all hitting you at once. You have a great support group here, and I’m an email away if you just need to unleash your feelings at someone unbiased. I hope you feel better!

    *hugs*

  16. That’s such a lot to have weighing on your mind, and I’m so sorry it’s all hitting you at once. You have a great support group here, and I’m an email away if you just need to unleash your feelings at someone unbiased. I hope you feel better!

    *hugs*

  17. Ashley – Hang in there, take one day at a time, and take good care of yourself. You have a lot on your plate right now, but you’re doing all the right things to keep moving forward with a job search, to allow yourself to grieve the loss of your Dad, and to keep learning about yourself. You are going to bring such a wealth of experience and compassion to your clients!! Keep listening to yourself and learning from your experiences, and remember that you are surrounded by tons of people who support you and think you’re very strong…even those, like me, who don’t know you personally.
    ….don’t forget to breathe and laugh…

  18. Ashley – Hang in there, take one day at a time, and take good care of yourself. You have a lot on your plate right now, but you’re doing all the right things to keep moving forward with a job search, to allow yourself to grieve the loss of your Dad, and to keep learning about yourself. You are going to bring such a wealth of experience and compassion to your clients!! Keep listening to yourself and learning from your experiences, and remember that you are surrounded by tons of people who support you and think you’re very strong…even those, like me, who don’t know you personally.
    ….don’t forget to breathe and laugh…

  19. sometimes a good cry is just what you need to release all the stress and tension in your life. i hope you’re feeling better today and just keep going! everything will work out in the end.

  20. sometimes a good cry is just what you need to release all the stress and tension in your life. i hope you’re feeling better today and just keep going! everything will work out in the end.

  21. Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry you’re so stressed.

    Those assignments are hard. Up and down hard. I wonder if profs even know how difficult they are. And couple that with, you know, having a life? I can’t imagine.

    You *will* find a way. The moment you graduate apply for a job serving or something and then start looking for the perfect job so you can have a bit of wiggle room. I applied to probably 50 jobs when I was job searching and only got 5 or 6 call backs, keep putting yourself out there – talk to a recruiting agency too (they’re awesome) and something will come but don’t think that you’re alone in that.

    Be kind to yourself. Take bubble baths, listen to music, treat yourself well. That’s all you can do for now but the kindness? It goes a long way.

  22. Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry you’re so stressed.

    Those assignments are hard. Up and down hard. I wonder if profs even know how difficult they are. And couple that with, you know, having a life? I can’t imagine.

    You *will* find a way. The moment you graduate apply for a job serving or something and then start looking for the perfect job so you can have a bit of wiggle room. I applied to probably 50 jobs when I was job searching and only got 5 or 6 call backs, keep putting yourself out there – talk to a recruiting agency too (they’re awesome) and something will come but don’t think that you’re alone in that.

    Be kind to yourself. Take bubble baths, listen to music, treat yourself well. That’s all you can do for now but the kindness? It goes a long way.

  23. aww honey i’m so sorry you’re under so much stress.

    i know how daunting life can be sometimes…money, due dates, assignments, friends, family, expectations…it all builds up and sometimes the stress of it all has no where else to go but out your eyeballs. and that’s ok.

    just don’t let it overcome you. don’t let it consume you. don’t dwell on it.

    i agree with kyla…do something to get your mind off of all the stress. go for a walk, relax with a cup of tea or coffee, do some yoga to clear your mind, or whatever else makes you feel better and recharged.

    sometimes it’s easy to get so consumed with the day to day of everything that you lose yourself in it all and end up being truly overwhelmed and stressed. remember to take time for you and to make YOU happy because that’s what really matters in the end.

  24. aww honey i’m so sorry you’re under so much stress.

    i know how daunting life can be sometimes…money, due dates, assignments, friends, family, expectations…it all builds up and sometimes the stress of it all has no where else to go but out your eyeballs. and that’s ok.

    just don’t let it overcome you. don’t let it consume you. don’t dwell on it.

    i agree with kyla…do something to get your mind off of all the stress. go for a walk, relax with a cup of tea or coffee, do some yoga to clear your mind, or whatever else makes you feel better and recharged.

    sometimes it’s easy to get so consumed with the day to day of everything that you lose yourself in it all and end up being truly overwhelmed and stressed. remember to take time for you and to make YOU happy because that’s what really matters in the end.

  25. Life can be so complicated sometimes and it may even appear dismal or bleak. I think we all have times where it just feels hopeless, but it sounds like you know that letting it out to cope is ok. I think you’ll be fine as long as you have your health and optimism.

  26. Life can be so complicated sometimes and it may even appear dismal or bleak. I think we all have times where it just feels hopeless, but it sounds like you know that letting it out to cope is ok. I think you’ll be fine as long as you have your health and optimism.

  27. i know exactly what this feels like, i’m going through the same thing (minus school, but insert utter boredom, and exchange dad for younger brother). it sucks so much. crying is such a release, makes the situation seem less hopeless.

    just keep your chin up and know that you’re not the only one out there. there are so many people who want to help you or would help if you needed it. you can do it 🙂

  28. i know exactly what this feels like, i’m going through the same thing (minus school, but insert utter boredom, and exchange dad for younger brother). it sucks so much. crying is such a release, makes the situation seem less hopeless.

    just keep your chin up and know that you’re not the only one out there. there are so many people who want to help you or would help if you needed it. you can do it 🙂

  29. i had a moment like this last night in bed minus the paper writing. i’m graduating in may as well and i am so FREAKED OUT.

    but the one thing i can say is i’m trying to handle all of the fears and stress, moment by moment and day by day.

  30. i had a moment like this last night in bed minus the paper writing. i’m graduating in may as well and i am so FREAKED OUT.

    but the one thing i can say is i’m trying to handle all of the fears and stress, moment by moment and day by day.

  31. Oh my, I am so so very sorry

    But I am totally relating to you right now.

    I literally had the basics of this post written this morning, only substitute “being a woman” for the “white” reflection, substitute “mom” for “dad”, and the rest perfectly describes my life right now.

    I’ll tell you what I keep trying to tell myself: “We’ll get through it. We can do it.”

  32. Oh my, I am so so very sorry

    But I am totally relating to you right now.

    I literally had the basics of this post written this morning, only substitute “being a woman” for the “white” reflection, substitute “mom” for “dad”, and the rest perfectly describes my life right now.

    I’ll tell you what I keep trying to tell myself: “We’ll get through it. We can do it.”

  33. sarahbelledotcom

    oh, sugarpie-darling-sweetheart..

    it is going to be okay.
    the journals do sound stressful, and clearly are making you dig deep, but in the process – in the long run, you are probably learning a lot that is going to help you relate to all your future clients.
    and i say ALL YOUR future clients because you are going to be the most amazing therapist EVER. honestly, you are caring, thoughtful and understanding. any company will be lucky to have you – remember that.
    this morning i read chelsea's latest post.. of course your career paths are different, but the 'never give up' idea is useful for everyone. check it out, love, if you haven't already.
    ❤ big hugs.

  34. Hey,

    I am sorry that you’re feeling overwhelmed but know that you’re not alone in this. I’m in grad school too so I completely understand. Just know that you WILL find a way to make it all happen. You may be stressing now but sooner or later, something will fall into your lap without you expecting it. Stay strong and chin up. 🙂

    Julie

  35. sarahbelledotcom

    oh, sugarpie-darling-sweetheart..

    it is going to be okay.
    the journals do sound stressful, and clearly are making you dig deep, but in the process – in the long run, you are probably learning a lot that is going to help you relate to all your future clients.
    and i say ALL YOUR future clients because you are going to be the most amazing therapist EVER. honestly, you are caring, thoughtful and understanding. any company will be lucky to have you – remember that.
    this morning i read chelsea's latest post.. of course your career paths are different, but the 'never give up' idea is useful for everyone. check it out, love, if you haven't already.
    ❤ big hugs.

  36. Hey,

    I am sorry that you’re feeling overwhelmed but know that you’re not alone in this. I’m in grad school too so I completely understand. Just know that you WILL find a way to make it all happen. You may be stressing now but sooner or later, something will fall into your lap without you expecting it. Stay strong and chin up. 🙂

    Julie

  37. This is definetly the same place where I am at in my life too. School is killing me, I’m working my ass off, I am TIRED of job searching and hearing nothing back. It’s so depressing. So many days, I wish I could just stay in bed all day and just cry, but I force myself to get up and face the day. Sometimes I regret it, but I’m hoping tomorrow will be better. Keep strong and struggle through it 🙂

  38. This is definetly the same place where I am at in my life too. School is killing me, I’m working my ass off, I am TIRED of job searching and hearing nothing back. It’s so depressing. So many days, I wish I could just stay in bed all day and just cry, but I force myself to get up and face the day. Sometimes I regret it, but I’m hoping tomorrow will be better. Keep strong and struggle through it 🙂

  39. As far as the job market goes, I will say this: When I graduated, I applied to probably close to 50 jobs. I only heard back from 3. It’s just the way it goes. It’s overwhelming and stressful, but just keep on trucking. Something will come up. In this market, it may not be your ideal job, but having your education should make it much easier for you than it will be for others.

    Secondly, as far as your dad, oh honey I feel your pain. It’s been well over 4 years since my dad passed away, and I still get upset. It does get easier with time. I usually just let myself feel it when it comes. Blocking it or pushing it away only makes it worse, so you’re doing the right thing. Time is the only thing that will help.

  40. As far as the job market goes, I will say this: When I graduated, I applied to probably close to 50 jobs. I only heard back from 3. It’s just the way it goes. It’s overwhelming and stressful, but just keep on trucking. Something will come up. In this market, it may not be your ideal job, but having your education should make it much easier for you than it will be for others.

    Secondly, as far as your dad, oh honey I feel your pain. It’s been well over 4 years since my dad passed away, and I still get upset. It does get easier with time. I usually just let myself feel it when it comes. Blocking it or pushing it away only makes it worse, so you’re doing the right thing. Time is the only thing that will help.

  41. I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of that. I can only imagine how hard it is and I feel as if I am going down the smae track in regards to school and stuff.

    Take care and I hope things work out.

  42. I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of that. I can only imagine how hard it is and I feel as if I am going down the smae track in regards to school and stuff.

    Take care and I hope things work out.

  43. i’ve been in similar situations where stuff builds and builds and builds, and then it all comes out my eyes. i’m a crier, and that’s how i deal with it. i think it’s important to recognize the fact that you need a break, a day off, a time to recollect yourself. you’ll get through this hard part in your life and you have to believe that. i’ll be thinking about you though and wishing you happy thoughts :o)

  44. i’ve been in similar situations where stuff builds and builds and builds, and then it all comes out my eyes. i’m a crier, and that’s how i deal with it. i think it’s important to recognize the fact that you need a break, a day off, a time to recollect yourself. you’ll get through this hard part in your life and you have to believe that. i’ll be thinking about you though and wishing you happy thoughts :o)

  45. I think I need to cry as well. Licensure, job applications, money….

  46. I think I need to cry as well. Licensure, job applications, money….

  47. Boy are we in the same boat. I’m always worried about money. But as of late, you isn’t? I don’t have to miss my dad because he’s still here but I am having a hard time with missing other people/things. It is really tough. I have a job but my husband doesn’t and Lord knows that almost worst. He’s searching and searching but nothing’s turning up because no one’s hiring in this awful economy. And yea, life right now for me is ridiculously exhausting. I’m stretching myself too thin.

  48. Boy are we in the same boat. I’m always worried about money. But as of late, you isn’t? I don’t have to miss my dad because he’s still here but I am having a hard time with missing other people/things. It is really tough. I have a job but my husband doesn’t and Lord knows that almost worst. He’s searching and searching but nothing’s turning up because no one’s hiring in this awful economy. And yea, life right now for me is ridiculously exhausting. I’m stretching myself too thin.

  49. I’m sorry Ashley. I’ve been feeling much the same way myself, and I keep trying to force myself to feel better and it just doesn’t work. It seems like all the uncertainty makes everything else harder to deal with too.

  50. I’m sorry Ashley. I’ve been feeling much the same way myself, and I keep trying to force myself to feel better and it just doesn’t work. It seems like all the uncertainty makes everything else harder to deal with too.

  51. Don’t worry, everything will work out! Just get out there and start pounding the pavement, throwing resumes at everyone who will take them! Even if it’s a job you don’t want, go to the interview to get yourself prepared for the real thing! Good luck!

  52. Don’t worry, everything will work out! Just get out there and start pounding the pavement, throwing resumes at everyone who will take them! Even if it’s a job you don’t want, go to the interview to get yourself prepared for the real thing! Good luck!

  53. Classy in Philadelphia

    I can totally relate to some of this. When I get stressed out with schoolwork, I’ve definitely spent time in front of the computer crying. In fact, I cried DURING my Italian test today. Cool, right?

    Sometimes you just have to let yourself do it. Everything will fall into place, Ash.

  54. Classy in Philadelphia

    I can totally relate to some of this. When I get stressed out with schoolwork, I’ve definitely spent time in front of the computer crying. In fact, I cried DURING my Italian test today. Cool, right?

    Sometimes you just have to let yourself do it. Everything will fall into place, Ash.

  55. I think that a lot of people react that way to fear and uncertainty and loss. Just remember that it will get better.

  56. I think that a lot of people react that way to fear and uncertainty and loss. Just remember that it will get better.

  57. Aww dear I’m sorry. I know you’re been super stressed out lately but things will get better. Crying is totally fine because at least you’re getting out how you feel!

  58. Aww dear I’m sorry. I know you’re been super stressed out lately but things will get better. Crying is totally fine because at least you’re getting out how you feel!

  59. Awe,,I’m praying that everything work out for you.

  60. Awe,,I’m praying that everything work out for you.

  61. oh wow. Those journals certainly do sound like they take a lot out of you! I’m always pretty vague on my ideas of bias, stereotype and how and what it means to me re: provledge, class, race, gender etc. I can come up with a coherent thought/opinion for a paper but I’ve nver really had to DIG deep for something meaningful. It sounds like a rewarding experience though despite the tough process.

    I remember how stressful my last semester of school was and how much I didn’t even realize it until I broke down in tears, and out in hives. Seriously! The stress covered my entire body in hives…
    But you will be so proud of yourself when you get through it successfully. And you will be wonderful and awesomly successful at your job too.

    Here’s a hug, and some good luck wishes!

  62. oh wow. Those journals certainly do sound like they take a lot out of you! I’m always pretty vague on my ideas of bias, stereotype and how and what it means to me re: provledge, class, race, gender etc. I can come up with a coherent thought/opinion for a paper but I’ve nver really had to DIG deep for something meaningful. It sounds like a rewarding experience though despite the tough process.

    I remember how stressful my last semester of school was and how much I didn’t even realize it until I broke down in tears, and out in hives. Seriously! The stress covered my entire body in hives…
    But you will be so proud of yourself when you get through it successfully. And you will be wonderful and awesomly successful at your job too.

    Here’s a hug, and some good luck wishes!

  63. nicoleantoinette

    I’ve been having a sort of mentally rough patch lately too, and have definitely thought of just staying in bed some days. What I do is let myself flip out for a set amount of time, and then get back to my day. Hopefully, that will do the trick.

  64. nicoleantoinette

    I’ve been having a sort of mentally rough patch lately too, and have definitely thought of just staying in bed some days. What I do is let myself flip out for a set amount of time, and then get back to my day. Hopefully, that will do the trick.

  65. Girl, story of the last two months of my life and numerous times before. I’m with ya. But you know? Things always work out. I mean, really, when have they not? Sometimes you’re freaking out and when you think you’ve had all you can take, you get a freaking break, at the very last freaking nano second. Keep your head up!

  66. Girl, story of the last two months of my life and numerous times before. I’m with ya. But you know? Things always work out. I mean, really, when have they not? Sometimes you’re freaking out and when you think you’ve had all you can take, you get a freaking break, at the very last freaking nano second. Keep your head up!

  67. you are totally allowed a good cry. This is often my response to stress, too, and while it doesn’t solve anything, I almost always feel better. Once those clouds pass, you’ll find clarity. Good luck with everything, and just take it all one day at a time. Focusing too much on the imminent “someday” invites panic.

    xo!

  68. you are totally allowed a good cry. This is often my response to stress, too, and while it doesn’t solve anything, I almost always feel better. Once those clouds pass, you’ll find clarity. Good luck with everything, and just take it all one day at a time. Focusing too much on the imminent “someday” invites panic.

    xo!

  69. Hi Ashley,

    So I’m totally just a lurker here on your blog, but when I read this I felt compelled to reply. Breathe. Seriously. I was exactly where you are last year (except worse off because I had no idea what direction I wanted my life to go in).

    I know it seems like everything is rushing you at once, and you’re just so tired that all you want is a moment to rest from it all. It’s definitely enough to make a girl cry – heck, it’s enough to make anyone cry! But you can’t let it get you down. Hang in there. There is most definitely light at the end of the tunnel.

    Good luck with your job search!

  70. Hi Ashley,

    So I’m totally just a lurker here on your blog, but when I read this I felt compelled to reply. Breathe. Seriously. I was exactly where you are last year (except worse off because I had no idea what direction I wanted my life to go in).

    I know it seems like everything is rushing you at once, and you’re just so tired that all you want is a moment to rest from it all. It’s definitely enough to make a girl cry – heck, it’s enough to make anyone cry! But you can’t let it get you down. Hang in there. There is most definitely light at the end of the tunnel.

    Good luck with your job search!

  71. Princess Extraordinaire

    ( ( BIG HUGS ) ) to you!! I am so sorry you’re down and stressed – I am glad, however, that you’re letting yourself cry as it’s cathartic and good for the soul..hang in there and know that this will pass….xoxo

  72. Princess Extraordinaire

    ( ( BIG HUGS ) ) to you!! I am so sorry you’re down and stressed – I am glad, however, that you’re letting yourself cry as it’s cathartic and good for the soul..hang in there and know that this will pass….xoxo

  73. Gwen B. (aka skinny bitch)

    I get the same overwhelming feelings about the same things. Just take it one thing at a time. This helps me to relax my mind and make everything seem smaller. Crying helps me too 🙂 Hope all is well soon

  74. Gwen B. (aka skinny bitch)

    I get the same overwhelming feelings about the same things. Just take it one thing at a time. This helps me to relax my mind and make everything seem smaller. Crying helps me too 🙂 Hope all is well soon

  75. To try to help cheer you up, I have given you an award at my blog! And no, this is not a sympathy award – you really deserve it!

  76. To try to help cheer you up, I have given you an award at my blog! And no, this is not a sympathy award – you really deserve it!

  77. don’t worry. everything will fall into place, it always does.

  78. don’t worry. everything will fall into place, it always does.

  79. aw ashley i just want to give you a hug then go grab a drink with you. hopefully life will ease up a bit, you deserve it.

  80. aw ashley i just want to give you a hug then go grab a drink with you. hopefully life will ease up a bit, you deserve it.

  81. Just found you through Google Reader and flipped through a few posts. If I may offer one tiny bit of advice that has served me well anytime I’ve been looking for jobs – go directly to the company site, find a specific person to send it to (call them if you have to for a name) and send it through their site. Things get lost in the abyss that is Monster.com

  82. Just found you through Google Reader and flipped through a few posts. If I may offer one tiny bit of advice that has served me well anytime I’ve been looking for jobs – go directly to the company site, find a specific person to send it to (call them if you have to for a name) and send it through their site. Things get lost in the abyss that is Monster.com

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