Yesterday was 10 months since my dad died. I didn’t cry. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I didn’t have time to break down. I was at school from 10am-9pm with a busy schedule of classes and meetings. Then, as I was laying in bed last night I began to think.
I thought about the good times and the bad times. Everything in between. Still, I didn’t cry; I just fell asleep.
It’s weird now that so much time has passed. I think the last time I cried was a couple weeks ago. In the beginning I cried every day. Now it’s getting easier. I can go longer without crying. I’m becoming stronger. But after a few days I can start to feel it building up again. I think about my dad more often and the emotions are stronger and more intense. After a week passes I begin to wonder when I’ll break down because, I know, it will happen eventually.
It happened tonight. This song came on TV and I started to cry. I didn’t try to stop myself. I knew I needed to let myself be sad.
When the song was over I turned on my iTunes and played the songs (that I usually skip over) that remind me of him. I took the pictures of him off my bookshelf to get a closer look and a better reminder of his smile.
I cried for almost an hour.
It still hurts so much. I wish that I could pick up the phone and call him. I wish I could hear his voice and tell him that I love him. I really wish that he could come to my graduation in May because I know he would be so proud of me.
I like to say that I don’t have any regrets, but that’s not entirely true. I regret that I didn’t take the time to get to know my dad better. I regret not always wanting to spend time with him. I regret not always enjoying the time we did spend together. I regret not staying with him longer that last day he was alive. I regret that I begged him to fight harder so that he could make it out of the hospital when he was so ready to let go. I regret not telling him it was okay to let go.
But that song is true. Even though I didn’t say these words to my dad when he was here, I fully believe them.
“You can let go now, Daddy. Your little girl is ready to do this on my own. It’s gonna be a little bit scary, but I want you to know, I’ll be okay now, Daddy. You can let go.”