You can let go

Yesterday was 10 months since my dad died. I didn’t cry. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I didn’t have time to break down. I was at school from 10am-9pm with a busy schedule of classes and meetings. Then, as I was laying in bed last night I began to think.

I thought about the good times and the bad times. Everything in between. Still, I didn’t cry; I just fell asleep.

It’s weird now that so much time has passed. I think the last time I cried was a couple weeks ago. In the beginning I cried every day. Now it’s getting easier. I can go longer without crying. I’m becoming stronger. But after a few days I can start to feel it building up again. I think about my dad more often and the emotions are stronger and more intense. After a week passes I begin to wonder when I’ll break down because, I know, it will happen eventually.

It happened tonight. This song came on TV and I started to cry. I didn’t try to stop myself. I knew I needed to let myself be sad.

When the song was over I turned on my iTunes and played the songs (that I usually skip over) that remind me of him. I took the pictures of him off my bookshelf to get a closer look and a better reminder of his smile.

I cried for almost an hour.

It still hurts so much. I wish that I could pick up the phone and call him. I wish I could hear his voice and tell him that I love him. I really wish that he could come to my graduation in May because I know he would be so proud of me.

I like to say that I don’t have any regrets, but that’s not entirely true. I regret that I didn’t take the time to get to know my dad better. I regret not always wanting to spend time with him. I regret not always enjoying the time we did spend together. I regret not staying with him longer that last day he was alive. I regret that I begged him to fight harder so that he could make it out of the hospital when he was so ready to let go. I regret not telling him it was okay to let go.

But that song is true. Even though I didn’t say these words to my dad when he was here, I fully believe them.

“You can let go now, Daddy. Your little girl is ready to do this on my own. It’s gonna be a little bit scary, but I want you to know, I’ll be okay now, Daddy. You can let go.”

August 8, 1951- May 23, 2008
I love you, Dad
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51 responses to “You can let go

  1. Aw, ashley. My heart is so aching for you. Feel my love and prayers.

  2. Aw, ashley. My heart is so aching for you. Feel my love and prayers.

  3. Aw, Ashley…keep being strong. I can’t even imagine.

  4. Aw, Ashley…keep being strong. I can’t even imagine.

  5. I just cried with you. That song is beautiful. He may not physically be present with you on your graduation day Ashley, but he will be there — in the wind rustling around you, the sun shining on you. He’s always going to be there with you.

  6. I just cried with you. That song is beautiful. He may not physically be present with you on your graduation day Ashley, but he will be there — in the wind rustling around you, the sun shining on you. He’s always going to be there with you.

  7. you are stronger than i could ever be. my heart is with you.

  8. you are stronger than i could ever be. my heart is with you.

  9. Wow what an amazing post. I read it while I listened to the song and now I’m crying. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like this experience has helped you grow and become stronger. My prayers are with you.

  10. Wow what an amazing post. I read it while I listened to the song and now I’m crying. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like this experience has helped you grow and become stronger. My prayers are with you.

  11. That was a powerful post. My thoughts are with you.

  12. That was a powerful post. My thoughts are with you.

  13. Aww honey I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine how difficult this is for you and the pain that stays with you. Everyday things get better and he will always be with you.

  14. Aww honey I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine how difficult this is for you and the pain that stays with you. Everyday things get better and he will always be with you.

  15. Gosh, that makes me cry just reading that. I can’t imagine. I am glad that time is healing you.

  16. Gosh, that makes me cry just reading that. I can’t imagine. I am glad that time is healing you.

  17. I am so so so sorry. I know that doesn’t make it any better…. but still.

    My mom died almost 17 months ago so I can totally feel your pain. I can’t promise it gets any better, but it slowly feels a little brighter all the time.

  18. I am so so so sorry. I know that doesn’t make it any better…. but still.

    My mom died almost 17 months ago so I can totally feel your pain. I can’t promise it gets any better, but it slowly feels a little brighter all the time.

  19. insomniaclolita

    It’s okay to cry and remember him, it will make it easier. You’re a strong girl, and of course he’s proud of you.

  20. insomniaclolita

    It’s okay to cry and remember him, it will make it easier. You’re a strong girl, and of course he’s proud of you.

  21. This was a beautiful, well written post. “They” say that time heals all wounds…and though this is true, there are some that leave scars and its great that you’re able to express your feelings rather than keeping it bottled inside.

    And that song was so sad it almost made ME cry!

  22. This was a beautiful, well written post. “They” say that time heals all wounds…and though this is true, there are some that leave scars and its great that you’re able to express your feelings rather than keeping it bottled inside.

    And that song was so sad it almost made ME cry!

  23. That is an amazing song, brings tears to my eyes almost every time I hear it.

  24. That is an amazing song, brings tears to my eyes almost every time I hear it.

  25. Echoing the words of other commenters tonight, no matter what our faith is, I believe that those we love are always with us in some capacity; he will be there with you on graduation day and I bet you’ll feel him.

    This entire post gave me goosebumps and had me crying. I can’t possibly imagine what you’re going through or how hard it must be. I am more than sure it’s okay to be sad, to cry, to remember.

    Big hugs, Ashley.

  26. Echoing the words of other commenters tonight, no matter what our faith is, I believe that those we love are always with us in some capacity; he will be there with you on graduation day and I bet you’ll feel him.

    This entire post gave me goosebumps and had me crying. I can’t possibly imagine what you’re going through or how hard it must be. I am more than sure it’s okay to be sad, to cry, to remember.

    Big hugs, Ashley.

  27. Ashley,

    Your post has me in tears… what a beautiful song and well-written post. You’re so strong and totally right – it’s ok to be sad.

    Stay strong.

  28. Ashley,

    Your post has me in tears… what a beautiful song and well-written post. You’re so strong and totally right – it’s ok to be sad.

    Stay strong.

  29. alexa - cleveland's a plum

    i’m so sorry, and i want to tell you it gets easier but for me that wasn’t the case, it just got…different. the sadness is different.

    and my dad? he died twenty years ago.

    crying, family, friends and memories help.

  30. alexa - cleveland's a plum

    i’m so sorry, and i want to tell you it gets easier but for me that wasn’t the case, it just got…different. the sadness is different.

    and my dad? he died twenty years ago.

    crying, family, friends and memories help.

  31. alexa - cleveland's a plum

    i’m so sorry, and i want to tell you it gets easier but for me that wasn’t the case, it just got…different. the sadness is different.

    and my dad? he died twenty years ago.

    crying, family, friends and memories help.

  32. I cried with you. And they're right – he WILL be with you on your graduation day and he will be SO proud of you. I wish I could be there with you to give you big hugs, but know that you are in my thoughts. ❤

  33. Erin [aka E.Wiggle™]

    I almost cried after reading this. If I ever lost my dad, I don’t know what I would do. Be strong. He’d be proud of you and your accomplishments.

  34. I cried with you. And they're right – he WILL be with you on your graduation day and he will be SO proud of you. I wish I could be there with you to give you big hugs, but know that you are in my thoughts. ❤

  35. Erin [aka E.Wiggle™]

    I almost cried after reading this. If I ever lost my dad, I don’t know what I would do. Be strong. He’d be proud of you and your accomplishments.

  36. In a couple of months it will be the 14th year without my dad. Like Alexa said I wish I could tell you that it gets easier. But it doesn’t. Not really anyway.

    Hang in there, cry when you need to, talk and think about him whenever you want to and in time it won’t hurt as much.

    Thinking of you!

    xx

  37. In a couple of months it will be the 14th year without my dad. Like Alexa said I wish I could tell you that it gets easier. But it doesn’t. Not really anyway.

    Hang in there, cry when you need to, talk and think about him whenever you want to and in time it won’t hurt as much.

    Thinking of you!

    xx

  38. Thank you for sharing this with us. I have had counseling before dealing with the death of a family member, so I am inspired by your strength.

  39. Thank you for sharing this with us. I have had counseling before dealing with the death of a family member, so I am inspired by your strength.

  40. shaken AND stirred

    Monday marked the 9th anniversary of my mom’s death. Like some other readers, I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but unforuntately that’s not the case.

    Have faith in the fact that you have one of the BEST angels now! And know that he is proud of you and watching you everyday.

    A good cry is always good.

    Another good song is “Homesick” by MercyMe. But if you don’t want to cry, than don’t listen to it. :-). But it’s good…

    Stay strong. My thoughts are with you!

  41. shaken AND stirred

    Monday marked the 9th anniversary of my mom’s death. Like some other readers, I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but unforuntately that’s not the case.

    Have faith in the fact that you have one of the BEST angels now! And know that he is proud of you and watching you everyday.

    A good cry is always good.

    Another good song is “Homesick” by MercyMe. But if you don’t want to cry, than don’t listen to it. :-). But it’s good…

    Stay strong. My thoughts are with you!

  42. Hugs! You are so strong, and just know that we all have you in our thoughts today.

  43. Hugs! You are so strong, and just know that we all have you in our thoughts today.

  44. ChasingParadise

    January 7 was four years since my dad passed away, and I can hardly believe it. Time goes by so quickly, and it seems like the farther away I get from it, the quicker it goes. I still think about him every single day, and I doubt that will change, because I think about my mom at some point every single day as well. I think grief is different for everyone. I know that, given my dad’s history, which was remarkably similar to your father’s, I almost feel relieved for him that he’s gone now. Now they don’t have to battle against addiction and disease, and they were both ready to let go. And no matter what, Ashley, they are with us all the time. You can rest assured knowing that. Always let yourself cry when you feel you need to. That’s the best thing you, or we, can do.

  45. ChasingParadise

    January 7 was four years since my dad passed away, and I can hardly believe it. Time goes by so quickly, and it seems like the farther away I get from it, the quicker it goes. I still think about him every single day, and I doubt that will change, because I think about my mom at some point every single day as well. I think grief is different for everyone. I know that, given my dad’s history, which was remarkably similar to your father’s, I almost feel relieved for him that he’s gone now. Now they don’t have to battle against addiction and disease, and they were both ready to let go. And no matter what, Ashley, they are with us all the time. You can rest assured knowing that. Always let yourself cry when you feel you need to. That’s the best thing you, or we, can do.

  46. I’m sorry for your loss! I’m glad that you let yourself have that time to cry, it is such a big help.

  47. I’m sorry for your loss! I’m glad that you let yourself have that time to cry, it is such a big help.

  48. Joy @ Big Time Fancy

    Aaaaaand I’m crying.

    We are ALL here for you about this. All of us.

  49. Joy @ Big Time Fancy

    Aaaaaand I’m crying.

    We are ALL here for you about this. All of us.

  50. I’m blinking away tears after reading your post 😥

    I’m so sorry and can only hope that things get a little easier as the days go by.

    I posted on my blog about losing my boyfriend:

    http://treasurethememories.blogspot.com/2009/02/hijacking-daves-facebook-account.html

    Most of it is my rambling but about paragraph 5 (which begins ‘Don’t be scared of moving on…) might be worth a read. I’m not trying to lecture you, I wasn’t writing it for anyone but me. Most of the things I write are me trying to convince myself of something. Feel free to disagree with everything I’ve written. Fell free to tell me that it’s not how you feel at all. But just know that you’re not alone and you never have to feel alone in all this.

    Take care,
    (very watery) Blue Eyes xxx

  51. I’m blinking away tears after reading your post 😥

    I’m so sorry and can only hope that things get a little easier as the days go by.

    I posted on my blog about losing my boyfriend:

    http://treasurethememories.blogspot.com/2009/02/hijacking-daves-facebook-account.html

    Most of it is my rambling but about paragraph 5 (which begins ‘Don’t be scared of moving on…) might be worth a read. I’m not trying to lecture you, I wasn’t writing it for anyone but me. Most of the things I write are me trying to convince myself of something. Feel free to disagree with everything I’ve written. Fell free to tell me that it’s not how you feel at all. But just know that you’re not alone and you never have to feel alone in all this.

    Take care,
    (very watery) Blue Eyes xxx

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