Thoughts from PeterDeWolf.com
If everything is going as planned, I’m in Grand Cayman lounging on the beach with a cocktail in hand right now. And I’m sure I’m incredibly happy and relaxed and don’t have a care in the world. But honestly, I’m also a little sad that I’m missing Peter from PeterDeWolf.com’s post today. Please enjoy it for me!
Hi. I’m Peter. Blogger. Canadian. Smooth customer.
When Ashley approached me to guest blog, I was quite honoured. Of course, she had also been camping in the bushes outside of my house with a thermos and binoculars, and I would have agreed to just about anything to get her to stop. Mostly because I never remember to pull my blinds down. And because her Etch-a-Sketch renderings of a naked me were NOT AT ALL accurate.
(By the way, Ashley, it IS perfectly normal for a guy to apply lotion… there.)
And then I realized that I didn’t have a single idea for a blog post. Which, frankly, happens every time I agree to guest post for someone.
But this morning, as I stood in the shower, staring at the wall tiles until the random patterns morphed into monsters — ogres, I think — I had an idea.
As you know, Ashley recently graduated. So I figured I would use this guest post to give her some general advice on how the “real world” works.
1) When a woman sets her Facebook relationship status as “It’s complicated,” it really means “I want us to be exclusive but HE WANTS TO BONE EVERYTHING THAT MOVES!!!!!!” And when she sets her status as “In a relationship” it means, “Yay! We finally committed! And HE WANTS TO BONE EVERYTHING THAT MOVES!!!!!!” And when she removes all signs of her relationship status, it means, “How many cats is too many cats?”
2) 3 cats is too many cats.
3) Getting the answers you want from a guy involves asking the right questions. For example, instead of “Does my ass look big in this dress?”, you could ask, “How AWESOME does my ass look in this dress?” Then you’ll get answers like “Very!” or “Mrrrowwwr” or “It looks like the ass of a young Elvis Stojko.”
4) Rolling Stones > Beatles
5) Kissing Soulja Boy thru the phone only leads to bad places.
6) Be ballsy. In junior high, I re-wrote a play for our drama club. It was too long and I figured that my twelve year old self could do a better job of wrapping up the story. I stand by that theory.
I think it was Shakespeare.
7) Don’t forget: ABC. Always. Be. Uhm… Creating blog posts. Seriously. Keep writing. Get it out there. There is something cathartic about the process. Be open. Be real. Of course, I’m the dude that wrote a “poem” about a girl’s bum on his blog. So, clearly, this is a “do as I say and not as I do,” kind of situation.
And there you have it. My advice to you. Now go forth and do great things.
And stay out of my bushes.
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