Thoughts from PeterDeWolf.com

If everything is going as planned, I’m in Grand Cayman lounging on the beach with a cocktail in hand right now. And I’m sure I’m incredibly happy and relaxed and don’t have a care in the world. But honestly, I’m also a little sad that I’m missing Peter from PeterDeWolf.com’s post today. Please enjoy it for me!

**********

Hi. I’m Peter.  Blogger.  Canadian.  Smooth customer.


When Ashley approached me to guest blog, I was quite honoured.  Of course, she had also been camping in the bushes outside of my house with a thermos and binoculars, and I would have agreed to just about anything to get her to stop.  Mostly because I never remember to pull my blinds down.  And because her Etch-a-Sketch renderings of a naked me were NOT AT ALL accurate.

(By the way, Ashley, it IS perfectly normal for a guy to apply lotion… there.)

And then I realized that I didn’t have a single idea for a blog post.  Which, frankly, happens every time I agree to guest post for someone.

But this morning, as I stood in the shower, staring at the wall tiles until the random patterns morphed into monsters — ogres, I think — I had an idea.

As you know, Ashley recently graduated.  So I figured I would use this guest post to give her some general advice on how the “real world” works.

1) When a woman sets her Facebook relationship status as “It’s complicated,” it really means “I want us to be exclusive but HE WANTS TO BONE EVERYTHING THAT MOVES!!!!!!”  And when she sets her status as “In a relationship” it means, “Yay!  We finally committed!  And HE WANTS TO BONE EVERYTHING THAT MOVES!!!!!!” And when she removes all signs of her relationship status, it means, “How many cats is too many cats?”

2) 3 cats is too many cats.

3) Getting the answers you want from a guy involves asking the right questions.  For example, instead of “Does my ass look big in this dress?”, you could ask, “How AWESOME does my ass look in this dress?”  Then you’ll get answers like “Very!” or “Mrrrowwwr” or “It looks like the ass of a young Elvis Stojko.”

4) Rolling Stones > Beatles

5) Kissing Soulja Boy thru the phone only leads to bad places.

6) Be ballsy.  In junior high, I re-wrote a play for our drama club. It was too long and I figured that my twelve year old self could do a better job of wrapping up the story. I stand by that theory.

I think it was Shakespeare.

7) Don’t forget: ABC.  Always. Be. Uhm… Creating blog posts.  Seriously.  Keep writing.  Get it out there.  There is something cathartic about the process.  Be open.  Be real. Of course, I’m the dude that wrote a “poem” about a girl’s bum on his blog.  So, clearly, this is a “do as I say and not as I do,” kind of situation.

And there you have it.  My advice to you.  Now go forth and do great things.

And stay out of my bushes.

Advertisements

20 responses to “Thoughts from PeterDeWolf.com

  1. Excellent guest blog!

    If I were going somewhere I’d camp outside your place until you gave in, er…ask you to guest blog for me. But I’m staying here so I’ll have to tuck that idea away for later.

  2. mmmkay…here's some counter-advice…if you're dating someone who tells you your ass looks like a young elvis stojko's, and he means it as a compliment, you are dating a gay man.
    and when you start thinking you write better than shakespeare, you need an ego adjustment.

  3. fabulous and witty and happy post! good job!

  4. the girl in stiletto

    i'll never forget the first and second advice LOL. fantastic post, petedewolf.

  5. brandyismagic

    I love this. But you already know that. And you know, I even agree with you on the Stones vs. Beatles comment.

    Fantastic guest post Peter!

  6. LovelyAnomaly

    "And when she removes all signs of her relationship status, it means, "How many cats is too many cats?" "

    Oh. You nailed it.

    Fabulous advice and guest post.

  7. A wonderfully Peter post.

  8. Three cats are too many? Oh … shit!

  9. Great advice and one of the best guest posts I've read.

  10. I need analysis of what the "open relationship" tag on facebook means also, please.

  11. "And when she removes all signs of her relationship status, it means, "How many cats is too many cats?"

    Or it means she's shady.

  12. Good advice, except when a woman sets her Facebook relationship status as "It's complicated," it actually means "I am in a relationship but could easily be persuaded to climb in bed with any man who has more to offer."

  13. I second Maxie's request.

    And I actually agree more with M.J. about the whole "It's complicated" thing.

    Rather than "How many cats is too many cats?" sometimes removing all evidence of your relationship status means, "Um, yeah, I guess we're dating, but I don't really want anyone to know about it."

  14. I have 1 cat, just saying. Thanks for making me laugh out loud.

  15. ChasingParadise

    I literally LOLd at #1 – relationship statuses via Facebook are so loaded it's not even funny! Or wait, it is…

  16. This was great! LOVE #1 because it is SO true… hahaha!!

  17. Oh dear. I have three cats. Is that what I'm doing wrong?

  18. ClaireMontgomeryMD

    great advice.

  19. Am I the only one who laughed at the fact that Ashley was in "your bush(es"?

    Probably.

    This is why I'm never at the cool table =P

  20. Fantastic advice, really. Where were you when I was getting out into the real world and needed to know this sort of thing?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s