All That Other Good Stuff

Happy Thursday, blogosphere! While I’m snorkeling in Belize today the beautiful Passionista from Am I The Only One? is here to fill in. This lady is great. She used to write about her dating life on her previous blog but now that she has a boyfriend, she shares stories of her relationship and other daily happenings. Without further ado, I bring you… Passionista!

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While Ashley is away surely having lots of fun in the sun, she so graciously allowed me to guest post for her today and I thought I would take this opportunity to pose a query to you all.  Recently, I watched an episode of Friends (the one with the hot Italian neighbor, Paolo) and Ross offers his insight into passionate relationships, which Rachel has never had.  He says, “Passion is way overrated… Eventually, it kind of… burns out. But hopefully, what you’re left with is trust, and security… So, you know, for all of those people who miss out on that passion… thing, there’s all that other good stuff.”  His thoughts really made sense, but at the same time I wondered how I could live without the passion between myself and a significant other; I don’t call myself “Passionista” for nothing.

My thoughts on this continued as examples of the duality between passionate relationships and steady relationships have bombarded me recently in TV and movies.  I was catching up on this past season of Lost.  Sorry for those of you who don’t watch, but I saw a severe contrast between the relationship Sawyer had with Juliet versus his relationship with Kate.  As my friend pointed out, it seemed that Sawyer and Juliet were way more suited for true love than the heat and passion that existed when Kate was with him.  Truthfully, seeing the way Sawyer acted with Juliet seemed more endearing and stable, he clearly chose sustainability over chemistry.  Then I watched the ultimate love story, The Notebook, over the weekend and saw yet another example, this time showing Ally choosing passion and an uncertain future with Noah over her seemingly steady relationship with Lon.  I think she loved them both, but her passion and chemistry was so evident only with Noah.  Lon could have offered a life she was probably used to living, but it was the spontaneity that Ally chose.

I thrive on passion and feel like its the only way to keep my motivation alive; motivation not only in relationships but my job and hobbies.  The thing that I have noticed is that I almost feel as though I’ve tasted both sides of this coin before.  My Ex and I led to an emotional demise after a three year long on and off, mostly on, relationship.  Ex was the type of guy who went about life routinely and frustratingly showed his love predominantly in the bedroom.  While this was suitable for me at first, I realized not too quickly that the rest of my needs were severely lacking.  Sure he would surprise me with the little things that he knew I liked and the occasional attempt at a home cooked meal, but that’s where his efforts ended before nighttime activities began.  Our chemistry was great and I was never wont for spontaneity, but I was certainly longing for long-term boyfriend characteristics.  The sense of responsibility and caring that makes someone clean their house and get a steady job.  Ex did not have any of those qualities and I realized, after a long time, that he never would gain that resolve.  What we had between each other proved unable to hold us together and we ended for good.

My current relationship is quite the opposite.  My boyfriend has everything I could want in a future with someone, a steady job, education, and drive to succeed.  He has his life together in ways I could not imagine having my life at his age.  What I am sometimes missing?  Is definitely the passion and dedication to keeping things new and exciting.  Don’t get me wrong, in bed we are quite compatible, but there is no drive to go there all the time.  He also doesn’t possess the motivation to make those little efforts that mean so much to me.  It’s the little surprises that I often miss.  At the same time he is more than trustworthy, secure, and all around great guy.  We have minor tiffs in comparison to the uproars that my Ex and I could have and I find myself steady in this relationship more so than with Ex.

So my question I ask of all of you is what would you rather have?  Would you rather have a relationship with lots of passion but uncertainty in everything else?  Or a solid relationship with a secure future and yet devoid of passion and spontaneity?  (I know it’s possible to have both, but for the sake of argument let’s say you have to pick one)
I think I know what I would choose.

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9 responses to “All That Other Good Stuff

  1. Interesting post! I can certainly relate.

    Unfortunately, I worry I'd still go for the passion. Both my past and current relationships are parallel with yours. My past relationship was full of passion but little stability and 'future'. My current relationship is stable, open, honest, fun, and I have much more of a 'partnership' than I have had before. Passion is the one thing we work on most often in my relationship. Everything else in our relation comes very easily, but passion is something we both talk about and think about in an effort to keep it there.

    Granted, I've also experienced hills and valleys with passion in my current relationship. Four months ago? It was lacking and I was unhappy. Now? It's picked up (due to effort or just because) and I am quite happy.

    So, passion wins out for me. But just like your can work at commitment and openness and kindness, you can also work at improving and developing passion in your relationship.

  2. I've faced this problem before. My last boyfriend was stable and wonderful, but we lacked passion. After less than a year, we almost stopped having sex entirely. I've had passionate relationships as well that were unstable. I think that I would choose passion because I feel as though you can work on having a stronger relationship, but I don't think that you can force passion. It is either there or it isn't.

  3. Amber (Girl with the red hair)

    Wow great post, it completely mirrors things I've been thinking about lately.

    I think it depends where I am in my life to be honest. My current b/f and I have been together 4.5 years and at the beginning our relationship was VERY passionate and also VERY tumultous. Now, after being together for so long, it's more stable and a lot less passionate. However, I'm totally OK with that because I'm focussing on other things right now; career, school, running etc. So I don't think I could handle the rocky, yet passionate relationship that we once had and still focus on other aspects of my life. Also, we are going to be doing a long-distance relationship in a few months, and when it comes to long-distance I'd much rather have stable and security than passion.

    I do sometimes wonder if the passion will ever return without the rockiness of the relationship…

  4. Wow, this is an interesting (and albeit extremely difficult!) question you pose.

    I think I'd choose spontaneous and passionate over comfortable and stable. For me, this is weird because I am a strict Type A personality. I like plans, I like organization and I like knowing what comes next. But I think not knowing what's about to happen keeps things exciting. And after all, they don't say "variety i s the spice of life" for nothing. At least I hope not!

  5. Hmmm tricky question. Part of me wants to pick passion but I believe I would choose stability. Maybe it's where I'm at in my life. I've had a series of passionate men in my life lately, and I'm tired of not having someone be there for me all the time. Perhaps it might not be ideal in the long but right now, I want someone dependable.

  6. Stability without a doubt.

    There's something beautiful about knowing that a guy is going to be there for you.

    And I disagree with the idea that well, you can build a relationship, while passion can't be built. I tend to view it the other way around(but that's just opinion :p)).

  7. Wow, this is a tough decision! I keep going back and forth but passion wins for me. I get bored too easy and thrive on the unknown. I can't handle dating guys that are too predictable. So, I would definitely pick passion under the circumstances that he loves me 100% without a doubt. Like in The Notebook, Ally knew Noah loved her. There was no doubt about that. That would be the only security I would need to take a risk like that.
    GREAT post! I loved this topic! 🙂

  8. Excellent post. I think a relationship should have both at appropriate times and I am grateful to be in one like that now :-)This is not to say that everything has been hunky dory. It was difficult to accept dying passion when school (we're both full time students) became demanding for one or both of us. I remember being very cranky when my boyfriend was spending too much time on a course last summer (he's nicer and more mature and is definitely more accomodating to my school needs!). But I guess we've adjusted over time and its now nice to have him (and me) stable and secure and have time for passion and "together time" as well!

  9. Wow! Way to make me think this late at night. But yes, the old me I think would've chosen the stability, but I think the now me would choose the passion. I mean, I can be secure on my own right?! 🙂

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