Joyful

I recently realized that while I’m not jumping with excitement every second of every day (see my last post for full-out negative nancy details), deep inside I am very happy. I believe this is what they call Joy.

I am thankful that my life has taken this somewhat sudden turn of events leading me back to Texas. Yes, it’s stressful and frustrating and I have to much to cross of my To Do list before that plane leaves in 9 days, but I am still thankful to be going home. Deep inside I feel calm and at peace with my decision. I know it is the right step for me at this moment. I need a break from the hustle of New York and the constant sleepover that is living with roommates. I need some alone time. I need to rest. I need to be surrounded by family. I need to see my friends who were at my first birthday. I need Texas. I need change.

A few days ago C asked me to come see again, one last time, before I move. At first I told him I would because I really do miss him and I have nothing else to do, so why not. But after I slept on it for a night I decided I probably shouldn’t go. Of course I miss him like crazy and would love to have one last hurrah together, but that would also include hours of me crying and being preemptively sad. I don’t want to take the two hour bus ride to see him and end up crying the entire day or two I’m there. I don’t want my last memory of us together to be a sad one. I like our last memory- when he was here in New York and we spent a few perfect days in happiness. Plus, since I made the decision to move last week I’ve tried to convince myself that I need to move on. From the beginning of our “re-connection” C and I have both said that we don’t want to do long distance again. So me moving to Texas kinda decides that for us, we won’t be together. That means I must move on. And in these past few days I’ve been doing okay with that thought. I’m ready for it, and I don’t want to go see him this week and have that decision move my heart back three spots to wanting to be with him again.

I feel like I’ve said this over and over, but I want to say it again. I am excited about the future and all the possiblities that moving to Texas holds for me. I am excited to go on job interviews and hopefully find that perfect little job I’ve been craving for months. I’m excited to search for my own apartment after I deposit that first pay check. I’m excited to test drive, select, and put a down payment on a car. I’m excited to go furniture shopping and find that gorgeous overstuffed chair I can’t live without. I’m excited to meet new friends and reconnect with old ones. I’m excited about finding that person I am supposed to marry (even if it happens to be C in a few years), but first I am excited about dating other people. I’m excited about this new chapter and it’s taking every ounce of strength I have to wait until July 15th.

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14 responses to “Joyful

  1. Good luck, hon! Here’s to new beginnings πŸ™‚

  2. It’s so lovely that you’ve made the big choices…alas i shall miss your moving day as i will be sunning myself in Rome (and when i say sunning myself of course what i actually mean is being all touristy and walking miles and looking at culture) but i hope that it goes really well and you get everything sorted really quickly

    L x

  3. I am so glad you’re feeling this way! And also I think it was the right decision not to see C.

  4. the move sounds great to me. if it’s meant to be for you and C, then it will be. for now, moving forward seems best.

  5. Listen to you lady! So happy for you!

    And as for C, I know pretty much EXACTLY how you feel. I too was supposed to go see a boy (the boy, actually) and backed out a mere weeks before because I realized how sad it would make me. I think you really made the right decision and if you ever need to talk about it, I am here.

    So excited for you to make the move!

  6. Cheers to a fresh new start! Welcome back to Texas… brace yourself because it’s HOT!!

    Also good choice not to go see C, I’m kind of jealous that you two will have so much distance between you, that will hopefully make things easier. I have a C in my life right now and only wish that I could just pick up and move for a fresh new start…

  7. Hooray for fresh starts!

  8. I am excited to meet you!

    I was thinking about moving to the Bay Area, and we were going to just do it for the hell of it, but we’ve since decided to stay in the Austin area, and I can totally understand what you mean when you say you’re at peace with it. There is something fundamentally consoling about knowing where you’re supposed to be, even if it is just for now.

  9. Keep up the positivity. You’ve made a lot of really big decisions that I would still be trying to make if roles were reversed. Fresh starts are always a good thing, and so are overstuffed chairs πŸ™‚

  10. Aw sweetie, there is lots to look forward to, and new beginnings are hard at first but I know you’ll do so well in Texas. Your heart will mend and you and C will be able to see things clearly too, I’m sure, whatever direction that means for both of you.

    I’m very excited for you and I hope the transition is smooth!

  11. I’m happy that you are happy!
    The life after college is a hard one but you sound like you’re navigating the waters fantastically!

  12. Your attitude is AMAZING, You are going to have so many amazing things when you move! New beginning are kind of amazing πŸ™‚

  13. I love your perspective on this change! Keep up the great attitude love πŸ™‚

  14. That feeling of peace you have within you is the best way to know that you’ve made the best decision for you. For me, getting back to my roots is always what I really need when I feel out of control and crazy. (And if you need any evidence of this, watch the Hannah Montana movie, no I’m not joking, writing this makes me want to go see it again.)

    Leaving will be sad, but the thing is NYC will always be there. You never know where you might end up along the journey.

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