I recently realized that while I’m not jumping with excitement every second of every day (see my last post for full-out negative nancy details), deep inside I am very happy. I believe this is what they call Joy.
I am thankful that my life has taken this somewhat sudden turn of events leading me back to Texas. Yes, it’s stressful and frustrating and I have to much to cross of my To Do list before that plane leaves in 9 days, but I am still thankful to be going home. Deep inside I feel calm and at peace with my decision. I know it is the right step for me at this moment. I need a break from the hustle of New York and the constant sleepover that is living with roommates. I need some alone time. I need to rest. I need to be surrounded by family. I need to see my friends who were at my first birthday. I need Texas. I need change.
A few days ago C asked me to come see again, one last time, before I move. At first I told him I would because I really do miss him and I have nothing else to do, so why not. But after I slept on it for a night I decided I probably shouldn’t go. Of course I miss him like crazy and would love to have one last hurrah together, but that would also include hours of me crying and being preemptively sad. I don’t want to take the two hour bus ride to see him and end up crying the entire day or two I’m there. I don’t want my last memory of us together to be a sad one. I like our last memory- when he was here in New York and we spent a few perfect days in happiness. Plus, since I made the decision to move last week I’ve tried to convince myself that I need to move on. From the beginning of our “re-connection” C and I have both said that we don’t want to do long distance again. So me moving to Texas kinda decides that for us, we won’t be together. That means I must move on. And in these past few days I’ve been doing okay with that thought. I’m ready for it, and I don’t want to go see him this week and have that decision move my heart back three spots to wanting to be with him again.
I feel like I’ve said this over and over, but I want to say it again. I am excited about the future and all the possiblities that moving to Texas holds for me. I am excited to go on job interviews and hopefully find that perfect little job I’ve been craving for months. I’m excited to search for my own apartment after I deposit that first pay check. I’m excited to test drive, select, and put a down payment on a car. I’m excited to go furniture shopping and find that gorgeous overstuffed chair I can’t live without. I’m excited to meet new friends and reconnect with old ones. I’m excited about finding that person I am supposed to marry (even if it happens to be C in a few years), but first I am excited about dating other people. I’m excited about this new chapter and it’s taking every ounce of strength I have to wait until July 15th.