Tonight I was inspired by a secret that was posted over at Brandy’s blog. Someone shared how they are battling severe depression and the only thing keeping them from thinking about suicide is the blogging community. This struck something within me. Although I cannot say I understand this secret completely (because I am not fighting thoughts of suicide), I can still relate, to a certain extent.
In a way, I feel like blogging saved me.
When I first started blogging I had no idea how much the blog community would mean to me. (Well, I didn’t even know there was a blog community!) Blogging was simply a way to pass the time and entertain myself. I had just moved to New York and knew very few people. I was beginning my first semester of graduate school and wanted another “hobby” so to speak. I wrote posts consisting of lists of my daily activities. I posted pictures of my polka dot rain boots because I thought they were cute (and they so were!). My posts were not meaningful or thought out. I didn’t have a purpose for my blog other than to write whatever I felt, whenever I felt like it. I didn’t “know” anyone in the blogging community and I only read a handful of blogs regularly.
I kept writing for several months, still with little direction. Until one day, out of nowhere, friendships began growing. I found 20SB. Emails were sent back and forth. I signed up for Twitter. At that time blog community was a place for me to interact with my new friends and stay connected with their lives through their blogs. I still didn’t know what blogging would come to mean to me, though.
Then, in May 2008 my dad died. I was… well, I fell apart. I struggled to look like I was holding myself together, but I couldn’t. All I could think to do was turn to my blog. So I did. I wrote.
It saved me. When nothing else made me feel better, writing did.
And then C and I broke up in September. Again, I turned to my blog. I wrote some more.
It saved me, again.
You saved me. Your comments and emails. Your support pulled me through. When I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning, I thought of the blog posts you would write (and I knew I would love reading), so I pulled myself up to turn on my computer. You got me out of bed when nothing else could. Those nights when I lay on the couch crying and thinking my life would never get better, the one thought that made me consider a brighter day, that sliver of hope for the future, was because of blogging.
You, friends, saved me.
And since then you have seen me through my whirlwind months of dating. You were there when I graduated with my Master’s. You were there when I left New York and moved back home. And you’re still here.
Now I try to use blogging as my own personal, free form of therapy. I write when my heart is heavy. I write when I am happy, sad, excited, or angry. I write to feel better. And luckily enough I am still able to continue my awesome friendships at the same time.
So, thank you, friends. Each and every one of you. You mean everything to me. Everything.