I guess I’ve always been a nostalgic person.
As a little girl I used to daydream of living in another era (preferably the 1940’s or 50’s) and imagine for hours what life must have been like. As I’ve grown older I’ve become nostalgic of my own past. I love looking back at old photographs. I often think of my friends from elementary school and wonder what their lives are like now. And since everyone and their mom is on facebook now, I can spend hours looking at old friend’s profiles without leaving the comfort of my own bed. I browse their pictures and begin thinking back to the days when we were “real life” friends. Sometimes I become sad, wishing that I could stop time. Has is really already been 15 years since I last saw her? I can’t believe it. It makes me sad that those old times are gone and I’ll never be able to get them back.
Now that I’m going through another period of transition, moving back home from New York, old memories have started creeping up. Yesterday I began crying because I missed C. I don’t want to get back together (in fact, I’m excited about the day that I will meet someone new); I just miss the times we used to have together. It’s hard being back in my childhood home where the beginning of my relationship with C was born. I’ve spoken with him once since I’ve been home. It was good and happy, but also sad and difficult. I can’t imagine not having him as a friend in my life… but I think to get to that point, we have to separate for a while. And that’s hard for me to comprehend. He’s been such a constant in my life, and now that I understand he won’t always be there, I’m sad.
This Saturday would have been my dad’s 58th birthday. Of course, he’s not here to celebrate it, and that’s very hard. A few days ago I was looking at old pictures of him, preparing for the difficult day I know Saturday will be, and I felt my heart breaking all over again. I’m not good with saying good-bye, even over a year later. I miss him immensely and I still can’t believe he’s gone.
I don’t know how to let go. I can’t let go of the past- friendships I’ve outgrown, relationships that didn’t fit, or even those unexpected loses. I keep holding on.
But then another day passes and that moment becomes just another memory, another part of nostalgia.
It all seems to pass so quickly, doesn’t it?