A Reminder

It was Saturday morning when I awoke feeling sentimental and a little sad. I missed him.

C was everywhere, filling my thoughts. Remember that time we danced under the stars in the neighborhood park? Or that time at the gym when he laughed because I was so excited to have run a mile? What about all those times we talked of traveling the world together?

Back in reality, I know those times are over. It’s been an interesting journey, this “moving on”. Most days I feel encouraged. I feel happy to be surrounded by friends and family who love me and want the best for me. I know that C is not that person, at least not at this point in our lives. I know there is someone else out there for me. I feel energized by the possibility of a new life here in Texas. I know I am in the process of creating a life full of purpose and happiness. But it’s slow.

And on the days when I cannot see my progress, I feel sad and begin to think of him and the good times we had together.

So I sent C an email. It was mostly “Hi, how are you? I hope school is going well and you aren’t too stressed out. Let’s talk soon.”, but it was my way of releasing those sentimental feelings. Once I hit send, I let the moment pass. I vowed to move forward. And I did.

Until last night when my blackberry beeped with his response.

Of course, I knew he would respond, I just wasn’t expecting it at the time.  He said things are good with him, nothing too exciting to report, and he hoped I was doing well too. It was a simple, not-too-personal message. So why was I freaking out?

I don’t know.

For twenty minutes I fought my way through the uneasiness, awkward emotions, trapped hearth, that was the re-reading of the email. I would not let this stop me from moving on. I am better than this. I deserve more. I deserve happiness. And so I closed the email and opened my book.

The dreadful email was long from my mind when I turned on my laptop and logged into facebook before bed. I scanned through friend’s updated statuses and photo albums. When I opened the profile of a girl I knew from high school I stopped for  a second. She was married just a few weeks ago to a boy, also from our high school. They looked so happy together. I clicked through their wedding pictures, and then onto the honeymoon pictures. They were smiling. Their fingers were intertwined. Wedded bliss. There were comments on the pictures of how they had found their “perfect”.

And then it hit me. C was not my “perfect”. He was great and made me happy a lot of the time. But we were not matching puzzle pieces. He had a few more edges than I was willing to accept, and I was a little too round for him.

But my “perfect” is out there. When I find him I will be filled with smiles and laughter and ecstatic joy.

I want to thank that friend from high school whose profile I found on facebook last night. Thank you for the reminder that it’s okay to be where I am. It’s okay to be sad and miss C, but I should remember why things ended. It doesn’t mean we never loved each other, just that we didn’t fit.

So I will continue on my journey and keep moving on. And I will let this reminder swallow me until I feel it in my core.


16 responses to “A Reminder

  1. Beautiful post, Ashley. The missing moments can be the hardest but it sounds like you are handling them with excellent grace and poise, focusing on the future and realizing what is best for you. Your “perfect,” is out there somewhere and he’s probably recently looked at similar pictures on facebook and is now excited about the prospect of finding his “perfect.”

  2. Beautifully written, Ashley! I completely relate to this post. I hope you find your “perfect” sooner rather than later… but until then, be your own “perfect”, my friend 🙂

  3. I enjoy reading all of your posts so much. I’m in the same boat as you, but I have faith that my “perfect” will come and so will yours.

  4. I love your metaphor about puzzle pieces, what a great way to think of it.

    Isn’t weird how a random realization can put it all in perspective for you! It’s definitely normal to miss C and it’s great that you are smart enough to realize that it’s NORMAL and OK to miss him even though you don’t want to get back together!

  5. Sometimes realizations like this are brought about by the simplest things. I’m glad you’re moving forward.

  6. It’s a shame that you can never just make a clean break and leave all the emotions behind, but life isn’t like that. You’ll find someone else. Keep your eyes open!

  7. Beautifully written and a timely reminder for me! There as a long time when I lost hope that my matching puzzle piece was out there, but lately I’ve been filled with all kinds of hope.

  8. That dress is georgous!! You look great in it.

  9. Lauren From Texas

    The “good” will keep you from the “best.” I know that from experience – now I have my best and wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world! You will find yours too.


  10. I loved reading this. I’m struggling with some similar mixed emotions, and I really like the idea that you can really care about someone, but they just might not be right for you. I think we’ve all made that mistake way too many times. I’m waiting for my perfect…I really like that.

  11. I think this is a beautifully written post Ashley. You are am amazing woman who is moving on to amazing opportunities and people.

  12. love this post and you definitely will find your perfect out there! i know it.

  13. What a beautiful post, Ashley. When it’s perfect, it’ll be perfect.

  14. Our perfect one is out there for all of us and it will find us when the time is right. I really related to what you had to say. You articulated a lot of how I have been feeling lately. For now though, we just have to enjoy the ride. 🙂

  15. Wow. You just spoke my mind.

    How do you do that?

  16. This is gorgeous, gorgeous and poignant. Moving on (from anything) is just so damn hard. I’m deep in it right now.

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