It was Saturday morning when I awoke feeling sentimental and a little sad. I missed him.
C was everywhere, filling my thoughts. Remember that time we danced under the stars in the neighborhood park? Or that time at the gym when he laughed because I was so excited to have run a mile? What about all those times we talked of traveling the world together?
Back in reality, I know those times are over. It’s been an interesting journey, this “moving on”. Most days I feel encouraged. I feel happy to be surrounded by friends and family who love me and want the best for me. I know that C is not that person, at least not at this point in our lives. I know there is someone else out there for me. I feel energized by the possibility of a new life here in Texas. I know I am in the process of creating a life full of purpose and happiness. But it’s slow.
And on the days when I cannot see my progress, I feel sad and begin to think of him and the good times we had together.
So I sent C an email. It was mostly “Hi, how are you? I hope school is going well and you aren’t too stressed out. Let’s talk soon.”, but it was my way of releasing those sentimental feelings. Once I hit send, I let the moment pass. I vowed to move forward. And I did.
Until last night when my blackberry beeped with his response.
Of course, I knew he would respond, I just wasn’t expecting it at the time. He said things are good with him, nothing too exciting to report, and he hoped I was doing well too. It was a simple, not-too-personal message. So why was I freaking out?
I don’t know.
For twenty minutes I fought my way through the uneasiness, awkward emotions, trapped hearth, that was the re-reading of the email. I would not let this stop me from moving on. I am better than this. I deserve more. I deserve happiness. And so I closed the email and opened my book.
The dreadful email was long from my mind when I turned on my laptop and logged into facebook before bed. I scanned through friend’s updated statuses and photo albums. When I opened the profile of a girl I knew from high school I stopped for a second. She was married just a few weeks ago to a boy, also from our high school. They looked so happy together. I clicked through their wedding pictures, and then onto the honeymoon pictures. They were smiling. Their fingers were intertwined. Wedded bliss. There were comments on the pictures of how they had found their “perfect”.
And then it hit me. C was not my “perfect”. He was great and made me happy a lot of the time. But we were not matching puzzle pieces. He had a few more edges than I was willing to accept, and I was a little too round for him.
But my “perfect” is out there. When I find him I will be filled with smiles and laughter and ecstatic joy.
I want to thank that friend from high school whose profile I found on facebook last night. Thank you for the reminder that it’s okay to be where I am. It’s okay to be sad and miss C, but I should remember why things ended. It doesn’t mean we never loved each other, just that we didn’t fit.
So I will continue on my journey and keep moving on. And I will let this reminder swallow me until I feel it in my core.