Breaking Down The Wall

You may have noticed that I’ve been posting a bit infrequently lately. I’ve noticed.

And the reason: I’m struggling with what and how much I want to share on my blog.

Part of me wishes I was still anonymous so I could be 100% completely honest and write what my heart is feeling. But I can’t. I’m not anonymous. Since I made the switch, I’ve started feeling unsure. I feel exposed. I feel vulnerable. I feel the need to build a wall.

And I hate that.

I hate that I feel like this because yes, I have a blog on the internet. And yes, I know that means people will read it. But still, I wish I had my old blog back.

I started blogging because it was a place for me to be me. It was a place where I was free. It was mine. I wrote some of my most personal thoughts there. I shared my baggage. I dug deep and laid it all out for anyone to read.

I miss that.

That blog helped me through so much. And this blog? It hasn’t been much more than a hassle lately. Sad, right?

With my new-ish lack of anonymity, I’ve added layers of armor. As a result, I feel like my writing has suffered. I feel impersonal. I feel like my posts have become superficial and stale. This blog isn’t what I want it to be anymore.

I need to find a way to change that.

20 responses to “Breaking Down The Wall

  1. I feel the same! I hardly write anymore :-/

    Either way it’s okay to post sporadically. It makes those stories and ideas seem more like a treat to dish out than a daily chore to muster up!

  2. I’m going through the same thing right now… I’m at a point where I’m pretty much not anonymous, but I also don’t want to censor myself. I want to write about boys and nights out and my inner secrets, but I also want to be proud of putting myself out there and taking ownership of what I say. Sigh. It’s all very confusing.

  3. I still think it’s great that you’re not anonymous. The danger with anonymous blogs is that you don’t build enough walls, and you end up hurting people, even if that wasn’t your intention. Some walls are good, even on the Big Anonymous Internet, you know? It’s just a question of finding a balance. You’ll get there.

  4. I know how you feel… before no who knows me knew about my blog. Now, I have to think carefully what will I write. Sucks..

  5. I’m feeling you on this. I’ve become less anonymous over the last year and I foolishly told Irish (we aren’t together anymore) about my blog so I haven’t been able to write about the break-up emotions in the way I need too. I guess the only option I’ve come up with so far is password protected posts or moving to a new site but then I suppose people won’t follow me.

    At any rate, I think I know how you feel and you know that any time you want to chat, I’m here for you!

  6. I’m blogging anonymous and I totally get what you are saying. I wouldnæt able to share a lot of the stuff I did, if anybody knew.

    How come you become went “public”?Did someone find you or did you decide to tell someone?

  7. I am semi-anonymous and for some reason feel like my writing has been suffering too lately. Its hard to completely put yourself out there for other people, but its even harder to share your whole self with people you know in person. Which sounds weird, but just know that I completely understand how you feel. If you ever need to talk email me!

  8. I have similar feelings. I feel like my blog isn’t what I’ve wanted it to be, and sometimes, I think about starting over completely…

  9. I’ll admit that I don’t understand the urge to ‘be public’ with a personal blog. Other blog formats (critiques, reviews, recipes, parenting, decorating, etc.) seem to do quite well when the author is public – it can lead to job opportunities and networking possibilities. It makes sense to shout your ideas from the rooftops then!

    Personal blogs, however, are not based on offering helpful advice on choosing paint colors. If the blog is good, knowing who the author is can actually ruin a job and destroy their reputation – even if they’re being completely honest.

    All the things I want to read in a personal blog are things you wouldn’t want your friends or coworkers reading. It’s the honest and frank thoughts we usually DON’T say aloud!

    I’ve kept my blog anonymous so I can keep writing – as bluntly as I want – without concern. To announce it would be a gag order on my own thoughts and emotions.

  10. Password protect your posts that you don’t want everyone to read, then you can control who gets the password. Its worked pretty well for me.

  11. I think it’s good to not be anonymous. There’s a huge risk, as you know, that someone can still figure out who you are. That happened to Behind Hazel Eyes the other day. Even though she’s anonymous, her best friend found it and knew it was her (not sure how) and got really upset by what she said. I would never want that to happen. If I want to write personal, potentially hurtful rants, I’ll stick to a diary under lock and key.

    I usually blog just about things I’m doing. Places I go, people I meet. The city I live in (NYC). Sometimes I write about concerns or worries I have. As long as I’m not writing something about someone else, I figure it’s all fair game and I can post whatever I want. It might mean not writing about what irks you about your roommie or a guy or your co-workers, but you can take a “sky view” approach and just talk about co-workers in general. Pose simple questions like “How did you adjust to new co-workers” and if you have to tell anecdotes, share things that have happened in the past.

    The Internet, in my opinion, is just not meant to be private because you writing private thoughts basically for anyone (anyone!) to find. That’s dangerous. And I don’t think I could personally live with that kind of stress that someone might find it or know it was me. The only thing I can say is that you’d have to start a private blog – but even then, you never know who might say what to whom offline. Bloggers rarely stay completely anonymous once you start meeting people, emailing, posting any pics of any kind, etc.

    Just my 2 cents.

  12. The reason I have never given anyone in my “real life” a link to my blog is because I don’t want to have to censor myself. Sure, I talk mostly about the same things I tell my best friends but if I need to vent one day I don’t want to have to worry if it will cause conflict somehow. In my opinion, if you really miss your anonymous blog and the outlet it gave you to really express yourself then start a new one and be anonymous again! You could still spread the word to your blog friends. The only other option would be to password protect posts or to just try to get used to this new blog and its limitations. Good luck!

  13. For what it’s worth, I’m not anonymous and having written both ways I think that the bottom line is you’re never really anonymous. If you have something you really need to say, just say it! You can do it publicly or password protect it and e-mail everyone the password.

    This space is what you make it, and you can make it whatever you like miss. If you’re feeling restricted maybe you’re just not totally ready to share?

  14. I would struggle with the same thing. Something about having the people who know me in real life read my innermost thoughts is much harder to deal with than people I know on the internet reading. As backward as that seems.

  15. I used to be completely anonymous, and I’ve become less so as my blog has grown. Friends and family know about my blog. My husband reads it. It can be tough to find a balance of sharing what you need, but not oversharing. Good luck figuring things out!

  16. It’s hard to find a balance between too personal and PC. I’ve never been anonymous and sometimes I have to read things twice before I post them and censor myself, but I think in this day in age it’s smart to do that.

    You can always write for therapeutic purposes and then selectively publish the posts 🙂

  17. It’s definitely tough to have a balance. I am not 100% anonymous, but I still try and be as honest and vulnerable as I can. I try and wait 24 hours before posting anything “controversial” and putting myself in the shoes of anyone I might offend. But, I also stand behind what I write. It’s really tough to be 100% anonymous. I’ve just found your blog and I really love what I’ve read—so I hope you’ll keep it up! xo

  18. maybe it would help if you took just a little time away from the blog and really thought about what you want to do with it? you may end up coming back with a new attitude about things.

  19. i worry about that sometimes too, but then i just say eff it and put it all out there. i guess i’m a little too open but oh well.

  20. It’s easier for me to be a little less anonymous now than I thought it would be – but I think that some of that is due to the fact that I don’t have the relationship drama now that I used to. (Knock on wood!) If I ever went through another breakup or another drinking problem or another psych ward problem, I’d probably want to build those anonymity walls back up too.

    I’ve gone back and password-protected a lot of old posts, though, just in case.

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