While watching Glee last night I had a bit of a revelation. Awesome, right?
I won’t go into details about the show, but basically, Rachel learned why she and Mr. Schuster would never make it as a romantic couple. She was told, “We look for boys we know we can never have… Mr. Schuster is the perfect target for our self-esteem issues. He can never reciprocate our feelings which only reinforces the conviction that we are not worthy of being loved.”
And the light bulb went off.
Now, this quote doesn’t apply directly to me as I don’t think I have any major self-esteem issues, but it still struck something inside me. It made me think that maybe I’m supporting this destructive pattern within myself.
Since my dad was an alcoholic, I’m constantly observing my choice in men. I don’t want to repeat the pattern by settling with a guy who is tied to alcohol or drugs, or any other unhealthy, life destroying drama. I’ve been there and it’s not a happy situation. So I monitor my choices so as to not fall into that again.
Usually I go for one’s I can (try to) save. It’s my personality. I’m a helper. I like to find the men that don’t quite have it all together, have some baggage of their own, and I try to fix them. Obviously, as my track record shows, this hasn’t really worked out too well for me in the past.
I find the men that I know are not fully available (in whatever sense of the word). I pursue them because they seem funny, or smart, or spontaneous, etc. I become attached because I see they are flawed (and that makes them human and therefore more likable). I fall deeper because I think, “If I can help him and make his life better, then surely he will fall in love with me and then we will live happily ever after.”
And all of this happens within an hour of meeting the guy.
But to give myself some credit, in my last relationship all of that was true except for the happily ever ever part. Then again, I guess that’s kinda the whole goal in being in a relationship… thus I have a problem.
If I continue this pattern I only going to end up frustrated and angry in a dead-end relationship, or alone.
I need a guy who is excited about life. A guy who is honest, and sincere, and loves me. A guy who loves me more than he loves alcohol. A guy who is committed. A guy who enjoys his work and spending time with his friends. A guy who has goals that do not involve ‘waking up’ and ‘eating lunch’ but who is aiming much higher. A guy who does not want me to solve his problems. A guy who wants me to stand next to him, not behind or in front of him.
And really, I’m not going to find that in someone I’m trying to save.
So I guess now that I’m more aware of this, I can start acting on it. Isn’t that how these things work?