There are thoughts flying in and out and music playing in the background. There are people talking, but no understanding. There is superficial kindness and broken promises. There are letdowns and re-evaluations. Four months later and a change must be made.
When I was in New York and going to counseling once a week, I was, in a way, forcing myself to think about my issues, my thoughts, my problems, my conversations, my fears, my sadness, my happiness, and my future. During those weekly sessions, and sometimes between them, I found myself becoming more… me. I became more confident. I was able to state how I felt and pinpoint what was creating that feeling. I became more aware of myself.
But now that I’m back in Texas, working full-time and living on a very tight budget, I find myself slipping. I rush through my day. My mind is constantly racing with my list of things that MUST BE DONE IMMEDIATELY! or my mind is blank because I am exhausted and cannot fathom thinking for one more minute. And when I become stuck in that trap, I feel a bit distanced from myself. I feel like I’m not connecting, with myself or with anyone. And then I begin to feel fake, which has to be one of my least favorite feelings in the world.
When I noticed this feeling beginning to creep it’s way back into my life, I stopped myself. I observed. I noticed that I was graduating. I was moving across the country. I was back in the house I grew up in. I was searching for a job. I was offered a job. I was buying my my first car. I was moving to a new town. I was moving into a new apartment. I was beginning a new job. I was adjusting to my new life.
So yeah, I let it slide.
But it’s November, not August, and the feeling is still there. I’ve had a bit of time to settle into my new routine, my new job, car, and apartment. I’m feeling more secure with the direction I’m heading. Which means that now is a good time to make the change. To refocus.
I can’t afford to go back into counseling right now, so I’m investing in some personal reflection. I’m ordering daily quiet times for myself. I am avoiding certain situations and I am embracing others. I am challenging myself by making new friends, but not pushing myself to the point where I feel, well, pushy. I am talking to friends about their lives, their thoughts, their ambitions, and their mistakes. I am dreaming up new ideas. I am listening to my thoughts. I am focusing on me.
I hope that these few changes will lead me back to the path I was following before. The path of awareness, the path of peace.