Category Archives: C

So, hello again

I’m the type of person who likes to be genuine and fully committed.  I  prefer to be honest and real in all that I do. So when I didn’t feel like blogging for almost two months, I didn’t force myself. I knew it would be pressed and come across as fake and I never want that to happen. I’m sorry for leaving you all so abruptly; it wasn’t planned, I promise. Maybe I just needed a break. I’m not sure what came over me. I thought about blogging almost daily. I opened my reader every few days and browsed through blogs, curious as to what was happening in all your lives. I smiled hugely when I saw new comments asking if I was ever coming back. I missed you all, but I still wasn’t ready to jump back in. Then tonight, unexpectedly, I was filled with motivation and the desire to write. So, hello again.

I really cannot believe how much time has passed. There is so much I want to share with you.

Did you know that I got back together with The Boy after my last post? Did you know that we dated for almost  a month, he was perfect, and then he broke up with me again? Did you also know that I’m not nearly as heartbroken as the first time (perhaps because I guarded my heart more securely this time around) and honestly, I’m not  entirely surprised at how things have turned out?

Did you know that I’ve been working crazy long days, but loving almost every minute of my job? Seriously, I have the best co-workers and I am so thankful to work for such an amazing company. I love that I get to impact the lives of children and adolescents on a daily basis and see their relationships with their families improving. Amazing.

Did you know that I’ve had a conversation or two with C over the past few weeks? It was the first time I was able to talk openly with him about The Boy and he was honest enough to give me his opinion and point of view about the situation. He explained how he felt that I “quickly become emotionally attached” in relationships which “can be a good thing, or a terrible thing in the wrong hands”… and that “because of [my] past, those feelings mean more to [me] than most people”. Umm… exactly. That guy knows me so well. Before we hung up I was sure to thank him profusely for a free therapy session.

Did you know that I’ve made some major progress on my 101 in 1001? Well I have and you should go check it out.

So let’s review, shall we? Since I last blogged, I got back together with the boy, had a few weeks of bliss, was broken up with again, began moving on, spent many long hours at work, and re-focused my attention on myself.  I’ve spent my days doing what I need to be happy. I’ve begun reading a new book, I’ve explored new music, I’ve talked to friends, I’ve drank wine, and I’ve run a few extra minutes past my goal on the treadmill. I’ve been trying to empower myself. Things are good. So… what’s new with you?

2009 In Review

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Went to Vegas with some amazing girls, graduated with my Master’s degree, took a cruise with two of my best friends, moved back into my mother’s house, got a job, bought a car, and turned 25.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t make any resolutions last year, although I promised myself that I would get a job. And I accomplished that, so… yay! I’m no, I’m not making any specific resolutions this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My cousin had a beautiful little girl, Londyn.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank God, I had enough of that in 2008.

5. What countries did you visit?
Belize and Honduras

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
More money- to pay off loans and to travel.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
May 20th- I graduated, May 23rd- one year anniversary of my dad’s death, July 15th- I moved back to Texas, September 20th- my 25th birthday, September 28th- I was officially hired for my first real grown up job

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Graduating and getting a job

9. What was your biggest failure?
Hmm… I haven’t had too many failures this year I guess…. there are some things I probably shouldn’t have done, but I don’t consider them failures.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I woke up incredibly sick on New Year’s Day. That was not fun.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My car.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
All the new friends I’ve met since I moved back to Texas.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The media and government.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Toward my student loans and rent.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Finishing grad school! Getting a job! Buying a car! Meeting a really nice/hot/funny/respectful boy!

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
“Don’t Step Believing”- the Glee version

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?
Definitely happier, probably thinner (or about the same), and a lot richer. I love paychecks.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise. Talk to friends. Read.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying about finding a job.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
In Austin with my mom, sister, and grandfather. And the boy and I watched The Proposal together that night.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
No.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Glee. And then Grey’s, Private Practice, How I Met Your Mother, The Office and Modern Family.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No.

24. What was the best book you read?
Sadly, because I didn’t read much, Twilight.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
John Mayer. Although I liked him before, I’m sort of in love with his new album, Battle Studies.

26. What did you want and get?
A job.

27. What did you want and not get?
A better paying job.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
(500) Days of Summer.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I got a pedicure with a friend, had lunch with friends and my sister, saw a movie (maybe? I don’t remember…) and then had dinner at The Melting Pot with friends and my mom. I turned 25.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Being able to talk to my dad.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
More professional, mixed with a feminine casual cuteness.

32. What kept you sane?
Coffee.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Robert Pattinson.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage.

35. Who did you miss?
My dad. C. My roommate from NYC.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
The boy. Even though I technically knew him before, it doesn’t count.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Everything will work out. Stop worrying. Everything happens for a reason. Seriously, stop worrying.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“If fear hasn’t killed me yet then nothing will
All the suffering and all the pain
Never left a name
I’m in the war of my life, at the door of my life
Out of  time and there’s nowhere to run
I’m in the war of my life, at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight til it’s done”
-War of My Life, by John Mayer

Chips and Queso and Christmas

Is this really only my third time to blog in December? I’ve been such a slacker. Or maybe life just happened. I think that’s it. I guess when I’m happy I decide I don’t need to blog as much?

So, I’ve been busy doing things like driving over 1,000 miles, helping my mom as she recovered from gallbladder surgery, visiting my cousin and her new baby, getting drinks with friends, exercising three times a week, going to dinner and watching movies with the boy, and somehow squeezing some work hours in there too.

See? Busy-ness.

In other news I talked to C on Saturday night… for the first time in almost two months. He called as the boy and I were standing at my front door saying goodnight which made the situation completely awkward.

Me looking at my phone: Oh no, I’m not answering that.
The boy: Why not?
Me: Because…
The boy: Oh, it’s an ex-boyfriend?
Me: Yeah…

I called C back when I got inside. He said he called because he was hanging out with an old mutual friend of ours and just wanted to say hi. He asked how I was doing and apologized for not returning my phone calls. Apparently he’s “not allowed” to talk to me anymore (crazy new girlfriend!), but I told him it was fine. I really do understand. We talked about our mutual friend, my job, life in general, and how weird it was that we hadn’t spoken in forever. Then his phone started to die. He said he’d get his charger and call me back… but never did. It’s probably better than I not talk to him anyway…

Things are going really well with the boy. We talk just about every day. Actually, I think we’ve talked every day except one. He’s entertaining when I’m driving for hours on end. He’s funny on gchat. My friends like him. My mom hasn’t met him yet, but she likes what she’s heard. He bought me a Christmas present “because he saw something that he knew I would love”. He’s creative and thoughtful when planning our dates. He plans our dates because he knows how much I love plans. It’s really cute.

So the plan for tomorrow night? We’re going to dinner at Chuy’s, my most favorite restaurant ever. Then we’re going to see this huuuuuge Christmas tree made of lights in Austin, and then we’re going to look at Christmas lights. I’m so giddy I can barely contain myself. This boy obviously knows the way to my heart. Chips and queso and Christmas. Love it.

Glee Therapy

While watching Glee last night I had a bit of a revelation. Awesome, right?

I won’t go into details about the show, but basically, Rachel learned why she and Mr. Schuster would never make it as a romantic couple. She was told, “We look for boys we know we can never have… Mr. Schuster is the perfect target for our self-esteem issues. He can never reciprocate our feelings which only reinforces the conviction that we are not worthy of being loved.”

And the light bulb went off.

Now, this quote doesn’t apply directly to me as I don’t think I have any major self-esteem issues, but it still struck something inside me. It made me think that maybe I’m supporting this destructive pattern within myself.

Since my dad was an alcoholic, I’m constantly observing my choice in men. I don’t want to repeat the pattern by settling with a guy who is tied to alcohol or drugs, or any other unhealthy, life destroying drama. I’ve been there and it’s not a happy situation. So I monitor my choices so as to not fall into that again.

Usually I go for one’s I can (try to) save. It’s my personality. I’m a helper. I like to find the men that don’t quite have it all together, have some baggage of their own, and I try to fix them. Obviously, as my track record shows, this hasn’t really worked out too well for me in the past.

I find the men that I know are not fully available (in whatever sense of the word). I pursue them because they seem funny, or smart, or spontaneous, etc. I become attached because I see they are flawed (and that makes them human and therefore more likable). I fall deeper because I think, “If I can help him and make his life better, then surely he will fall in love with me and then we will live happily ever after.”

And all of this happens within an hour of meeting the guy.

But to give myself some credit, in my last relationship all of that was true except for the happily ever ever part. Then again, I guess that’s kinda the whole goal in being in a relationship… thus I have a problem.

If I continue this pattern I only going to end up frustrated and angry in a dead-end relationship, or alone.

I need a guy who is excited about life. A guy who is honest, and sincere, and loves me. A guy who loves me more than he loves alcohol. A guy who is committed. A guy who enjoys his work and spending time with his friends. A guy who has goals that do not involve ‘waking up’ and ‘eating lunch’ but who is aiming much higher. A guy who does not want me to solve his problems. A guy who wants me to stand next to him, not behind or in front of him.

And really, I’m not going to find that in someone I’m trying to save.

Right.

So I guess now that I’m more aware of this, I can start acting on it. Isn’t that how these things work?

Reviewing Year Twenty-four

Today I turn twenty-five!

I have a sneaky little feeling that this year is going to be amazing. I mean, it has to be with the new apartment, job, roommate, town and… life. But before I get ahead of myself, this past year has been filled with memories I don’t want to forget. Here is just a snippet of what happened:

1. I began my internship at an adult home working with clients with schizophrenia.
2. I went on a few dates with NB.
3. I saw Hanson in concert.
4. I missed my dad.
5. I became obsessed with Twilight.
6. I signed up for online dating.
7. I went on a date that cost over $1,300.
8. I attempted to navigate the “friend” category with C.
9. I had some really tough days.
10. I had some really bad dates.
11. I took more steps to become a counselor.
12. I met some awesome bloggers.
13. I spent Spring Break in Las Vegas.
14. I worried about the future.
15. I had a really great weekend.
16. I met a “fake blogger”.
17. I graduated.
18. I went on a cruise.
19. I decided to switched blogs.
20. I left New York City for Texas.
21. I went on several interviews.
22. I had an amazing Gap Party.
23. I almost moved to Korea.
24. I got a grown up job.
25. I bought a car.

26. I wished for year twenty-five to filled with just as many wonderful and perfect memories.

A Reminder

It was Saturday morning when I awoke feeling sentimental and a little sad. I missed him.

C was everywhere, filling my thoughts. Remember that time we danced under the stars in the neighborhood park? Or that time at the gym when he laughed because I was so excited to have run a mile? What about all those times we talked of traveling the world together?

Back in reality, I know those times are over. It’s been an interesting journey, this “moving on”. Most days I feel encouraged. I feel happy to be surrounded by friends and family who love me and want the best for me. I know that C is not that person, at least not at this point in our lives. I know there is someone else out there for me. I feel energized by the possibility of a new life here in Texas. I know I am in the process of creating a life full of purpose and happiness. But it’s slow.

And on the days when I cannot see my progress, I feel sad and begin to think of him and the good times we had together.

So I sent C an email. It was mostly “Hi, how are you? I hope school is going well and you aren’t too stressed out. Let’s talk soon.”, but it was my way of releasing those sentimental feelings. Once I hit send, I let the moment pass. I vowed to move forward. And I did.

Until last night when my blackberry beeped with his response.

Of course, I knew he would respond, I just wasn’t expecting it at the time.  He said things are good with him, nothing too exciting to report, and he hoped I was doing well too. It was a simple, not-too-personal message. So why was I freaking out?

I don’t know.

For twenty minutes I fought my way through the uneasiness, awkward emotions, trapped hearth, that was the re-reading of the email. I would not let this stop me from moving on. I am better than this. I deserve more. I deserve happiness. And so I closed the email and opened my book.

The dreadful email was long from my mind when I turned on my laptop and logged into facebook before bed. I scanned through friend’s updated statuses and photo albums. When I opened the profile of a girl I knew from high school I stopped for  a second. She was married just a few weeks ago to a boy, also from our high school. They looked so happy together. I clicked through their wedding pictures, and then onto the honeymoon pictures. They were smiling. Their fingers were intertwined. Wedded bliss. There were comments on the pictures of how they had found their “perfect”.

And then it hit me. C was not my “perfect”. He was great and made me happy a lot of the time. But we were not matching puzzle pieces. He had a few more edges than I was willing to accept, and I was a little too round for him.

But my “perfect” is out there. When I find him I will be filled with smiles and laughter and ecstatic joy.

I want to thank that friend from high school whose profile I found on facebook last night. Thank you for the reminder that it’s okay to be where I am. It’s okay to be sad and miss C, but I should remember why things ended. It doesn’t mean we never loved each other, just that we didn’t fit.

So I will continue on my journey and keep moving on. And I will let this reminder swallow me until I feel it in my core.

Nostalgia and Letting Go

I guess I’ve always been a nostalgic person.

As a little girl I used to daydream of living in another era (preferably the 1940’s or 50’s) and imagine for hours what life must have been like. As I’ve grown older I’ve become nostalgic of my own past. I love looking back at old photographs. I often think of my friends from elementary school and wonder what their lives are like now. And since everyone and their mom is on facebook now, I can spend hours looking at old friend’s profiles without leaving the comfort of my own bed. I browse their pictures and begin thinking back to the days when we were “real life” friends. Sometimes I become sad, wishing that I could stop time. Has is really already been 15 years since I last saw her? I can’t believe it. It makes me sad that those old times are gone and I’ll never be able to get them back.

Now that I’m going through another period of transition, moving back home from New York, old memories have started creeping up. Yesterday I began crying because I missed C. I don’t want to get back together (in fact, I’m excited about the day that I will meet someone new); I just miss the times we used to have together. It’s hard being back in my childhood home where the beginning of my relationship with C was born. I’ve spoken with him once since I’ve been home. It was good and happy, but also sad and difficult. I can’t imagine not having him as a friend in my life… but I think to get to that point, we have to separate for a while. And that’s hard for me to comprehend. He’s been such a constant in my life, and now that I understand he won’t always be there, I’m sad.

This Saturday would have been my dad’s 58th birthday. Of course, he’s not here to celebrate it, and that’s very hard. A few days ago I was looking at old pictures of him, preparing for the difficult day I know Saturday will be, and I felt my heart breaking all over again. I’m not good with saying good-bye, even over a year later. I miss him immensely and I still can’t believe he’s gone.

I don’t know how to let go. I can’t let go of the past- friendships I’ve outgrown, relationships that didn’t fit, or even those unexpected loses. I keep holding on.

But then another day passes and that moment becomes just another memory, another part of nostalgia.

It all seems to pass so quickly, doesn’t it?