Category Archives: frustrated

Lukewarm

I feel like I’ve been taken on an adventure over the past week which was kind of exhilarating, but also extremely frustrating. And of course this has to do with The Boy.

We had a three hour conversation last Monday evening. After I told him about my horrible dating story, he told me I shouldn’t settle. He said I was a catch. Then he told me that he had been in a funk since he ended things and that he missed me. He told me that he was still confused, but that he really missed talking to me. He said he likes me, but isn’t sure that we’re “right for each other” or that we “have enough in common”. I asked him what all of this meant. Did he want to try to work things out? He said that he wasn’t sure and that he was really sorry for messing with my head.

We continued talking all week. He initiated each conversation, but I complied. I missed talking to him too.

On Sunday we had another long conversation. He told me that part of him wanted to try again, but that he was scared he would change his mind and he was petrified to hurt me. I told him I needed an answer one way or the other… soon. I couldn’t keep talking every day if we were just going to be friends. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. He said he understood.

Yesterday we talked again. He told me that he decided we should just be friends. I told him that was fine if that’s what he really wanted, but I didn’t want him to throw away this chance just because he was scared of hurting me. He said he couldn’t fully commit to me- some days he thinks he likes me a lot, some days he likes me but feels something is missing, and some days he thinks he is just lonely and wants a girlfriend.

And if that is how he honestly feels then I agree. We should just be friends. I don’t want a guy who is just lukewarm about me. So now begins the real journey of moving on as I attempt to move The Boy into the “friend” compartment.

Moving On

Sometimes I feel a little silly when I think about the break-up with the boy. We had only been dating just over two months. It seems like it wouldn’t be possible to become so attached to someone in such a short time, but somehow it happened. He seemed so perfect; he seemed like everything I wanted. So I fell hard. I let him fill my thoughts. I let him fill my free time. I let him have a piece of my heart.

And then he walked away.

At first I was in shock. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Then I became angry. How could he lead me on and let me down like this? I began questioning everything that had happened between us. The anger turned into sadness.  And then, slowly, the sadness began turning into acceptance. I’m still working on this… but it’s happening.

The past ten days have been a learning experience for me.
I learned that it’s okay to be sad, angry, frustrated, and even happy because all of those feelings come with a break-up. I learned that I don’t need to cry over a boy just because he doesn’t like me. I learned to call my mom when I’m sad and she will always make me feel better. I learned that even though I was used to talking to him for hours each day, I could easily modify that habit and spend more time with my co-workers. I learned that the mornings are usually the hardest for me, but if I can push through, the rest of the day will get better. I learned that I enjoy watching The Bachelor and American Idol by myself and sipping a glass of wine. I learned that I love running on the treadmill while listening to Black Eyed Peas and that it’s a great way to release pent up emotions. I learned that having your best friend come visit for the weekend will make you a million times happier. I learned that crushes on new boys are a fun distraction, especially when they take you to get ice cream when they find out you are sad. I learned that even though I still think about the boy and miss the fun times we had together, I will get through this.

Even the Nice Ones Will Break Your Heart

To say that it came as a surprise would be a huge understatement.

There were no warning signs, no tips to let me know he was thinking of ending it. Thursday night we talked on the phone for an hour and he invited me to a wedding in March. He called me Friday after he got off work and asked me to come over. As I was driving over to his apartment we were talking on the phone and he invited me to have dinner with his family on Saturday. I told him I would love to go. When I got to his apartment we went out to dinner and then watched a movie. We laughed and talked for hours. He asked me to stay the night, but I told him I needed to go home since I was staying with my mom. He walked me to my car and told me he would call me in the morning.
Saturday afternoon I met him at work before we went to the University of Texas basketball game. “I found a movie that we need to go see. Come watch this trailer”, he said. He wrapped his arms around my waist and spun me around to kiss him. During the basketball game he held my hand. Later we went back to his apartment to change clothes before meeting his parents and grandmother for dinner. We ate shrimp cocktail, salads, filet mignon, and cheesecake. I shared a bottle of wine with his mother. His dad asked about my job and where I went to school. We talked about New York. The boy rubbed my leg under the table and smiled. His parents joked about how the boy is obsessed with sports. His mother mentioned that we should all go to church in the morning and then go out for breakfast. After dinner we went back to his parents house where his mother gave me a tour and showed me pictures from the boy’s childhood. When we left their house, the boy and I stopped by my sister’s apartment so that I could introduce them. We watched the first half of Happy Gilmore before we drove back to his apartment.
All evening he had been a bit quieter than normal, but I figured he was just tired since he was up late the night before and had worked all morning. It was barely 11:00pm when we got back to his apartment so I assumed we would hang out for while and I would go back to my mom’s house around 1:00am, like I had every other Saturday night. The boy and I were laying on the couch watching TV when he said, “I’m really tired, I think I’m going to go to sleep.” “Aww, I guess I’ll go home then,” I said sadly, but trying to be understanding. I was surprised because the boy had never acted like this before, but I didn’t argue. He walked me to my car. “Drive safely tomorrow,” he said. This threw me off completely. I never told him I was driving the 75 minutes back to my apartment the next day. I had actually planned to stay all day Sunday to see him again. I looked at him. “Okay…” I said with a hint of surprise and anger. He gave me a hug and kiss goodnight. “Bye then.” I got in my car and drove back to my mom’s house trying to figure out what just happened. The boy had never been a jerk before… why did he just do that? I decided I wouldn’t be angry, but just text him the truth. “I want to stay and see you tomorrow,” I wrote.  We text back and forth for half an hour, me saying I want to see him, him saying I should go back to my apartment so I can see my friends. Finally he asked if I want to stay and go to church with him. “Yes, but I feel awkward now, like you doesn’t want me to come.” “Don’t be like that,” he said. “I’ll pick you up around 9:15.”
In the morning he called to say he was on his over. He pulled in the driveway, came to the front door and walked me back to the car. As soon as he closed his door he looked at me. “We needed to have a talk.” My heart stopped. I knew something was wrong the night before, but I had no idea it would lead to this. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” he said. I calmly asked why. He explained that he always had a lot of fun with me and that he thought I was really nice and cute, but something was missing. He said he had been waiting to feel something more, but it wasn’t there. He said he wanted to be excited to see me when I come to town, but he wasn’t. I tried to ignore the crushing pain in my stomach and nodded my head. He said he could tell I really liked him a lot this weekend and that he thought it would be wrong to keep seeing me knowing that he didn’t feel the same way. “I was a dick last night and you don’t deserve to be treated that way. I could tell you were upset.” “Yeah, you were a dick,” I agreed. He said he talked to his friends about this a couple weeks ago, and he was waiting to see if something would happen and he would feel differently, but it hadn’t. I asked why he introduced me to his parents if he wasn’t sure if he really liked me. He said he didn’t think it was that big of a deal, that he introduces all his friends to his family. I pointed out that he wasn’t dating all his other friends and that this was different. He said I was right and he hoped we could still talk, if I wasn’t too mad at him. I didn’t say anything, knowing I would be lying. “I guess you have to go to church now,” I finally broke the silence. “I can talk a little bit longer,” he replied. “No,” I said, “I don’t really have anything to say.” He told me he was sorry. “Yeah, this sucks.” We both got out of the car and he gave me a hug. “Thanks for being honest, I guess…” I said and I walked back inside the house. Shocked.
Almost 30 hours later and I still don’t believe it. Did that really just happen?
Was he faking it the entire time and leading me on? He really didn’t like me? All those nice gestures, asking me to spend the night, planning for Valentine’s day and a wedding in March, taking me to dinner, and telling me you want to spend all your free time with me? That’s what you do for someone you don’t really like? I’m not sure I believe that.
But then if he wasn’t telling the truth, there are only a few other explanations, none of which make me feel any better.
Possibly his parents said something to him? Even though we seemed to get along great and I met him mom last weekend, it’s weird that he ended things the day after I had dinner with them. Right?
Or maybe he was all in it for the chase? And now that he realized I like him, he’s not interested anymore? I really hope that isn’t the case because he was so nice for the two months we were dating and that makes him even more of a jerk if it was just a game to him.
And the last option, which my girl friends were kind enough to provide, is that he’s scared. He likes me too much and doesn’t want this to get serious. But if that’s true, he’s still a jerk for making me feel like this.
So maybe he just never liked me… and now my faith in nice guys has officially been destroyed.

So There’s This Guy…

On Thanksgiving Day I received a facebook message from a guy I knew in high school. Actually, we met in middle school where we had a few classes together. I thought he was really smart, really funny, really athletic, and totally my type. I had a crush on him. In high school we still ran into each other occasionally, but we didn’t really talk much. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him since.

So when I got this facebook message  I was a bit surprised.

“I feel like every time I check facebook you are at the top of my news feed… How have you been? Where are you living? What are you doing? Hope you have a good thanksgiving.”

Umm… embarrassing! Am I really that person who is always updating facebook? Apparently so.

I wrote him back and said yes, I was in town for Thanksgiving and I casually mentioned that we should hang out sometime.

He wrote back and said that sounded great. I wrote back and said I was free Friday night. He replied with his phone number and said I should call him.

We met for dinner on Friday. It went as well as a several-years-have-passed-since-we-talked-reunion could go. We told stories about college, grad school, jobs, friends, and exes. The entire time I was wondering what was happening… is this a date? Or are we just old friends meeting for dinner? But then he paid for our meal and asked if I wanted to do something else.

It was a date.

We ended up back at his apartment watching a movie. There was hand holding. And butterflies. And racing thoughts.

And then he kissed me.

Before I left he asked if I wanted to do something on Saturday. He was really cute, nice, considerate, funny, and actually seemed interested in what I had to say. I definitely wanted to see him again.

So Saturday he took me downtown and we walked around UT’s campus. He showed me where he used to have class and where he lived freshman year in the dorm. It was all kinds of adorable. After our mini-tour we went to nearby bar to have a beer and watch a football game. We sat and talked for hours.

On our drive back to his apartment I took his iPhone and began looking through his music. As we pulled in to park I clicked on Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” and began singing along. (I have no idea why he has Taylor on his phone so don’t ask…) We got out of the car and he immediately walked over to me and started kissing me… as “Love Story” is playing.

It was like we had our own personal movie soundtrack. I kind of loved it.

Fast forward to Sunday afternoon. He called and asked if I wanted to go see a movie that evening. I said yes. We saw Pirate Radio (which I highly recommend!) and held hands/cuddled the entire movie. When the movie was over and we were standing at my car he said wished I didn’t have to go. Since I was driving back to my apartment (an hour and a half away) we didn’t know when we would see each other again. I told him I had a really good time and I would see him soon.

Monday morning he texts me. We text back and forth all day. He asks when he can see me again. I say I don’t know. He calls me that night and we talk for thirty minutes.

Tuesday night I decide I will drive back to Austin to see him. I have a meeting there Wednesday (today) and I can stay the night at my mom’s house. I let him know I’ll be in town. He asks if I want to grab dinner. I say yes.

I meet him at his apartment. He suggests we pick up a pizza and watch a movie since it’s a monsoon and freezing outside. The pizza is delicious. We end up watching High Fidelity which I’d never seen before. I love the movie even though John Cusack’s character was a bit annoying. I let the boy know this. He says, “I worry you’ll find me annoying if you think he is.”

And I realize it’s true.

He does annoy me a bit. Something is off. He’s trying too hard. He’s super eager. He calls me beautiful… too often. He pets my arm. My won’t let go of my hand. He tries to be funny, but isn’t. He seems insecure. He tells me he’s a keeper. He tells me I’m amazing. He tells me he is going to stick around to “find out more”. He’s already calling me babe.

He is moving too fast.

But also? He’s the kind of guy I’ve always wanted to be with. He’s smart, ambitious, has good friends, a good family, likes to travel, enjoys sports, likes to have fun but isn’t too crazy, and he really likes me.

So I’m stuck.

I like him. I think that this might go somewhere, maybe? It could have potential… but it’s too much too fast.

I’ve talked to friends and they some I should stop it now, that it’s only going to get worse with time. Other friends say I should slow things down. Don’t reply to all of his texts. Tell him I’m busy. Go out with friends. See how he reacts and go from there. I think maybe he’s just nervous and things will get better with time? Maybe?

What do you think?

Breaking Down The Wall

You may have noticed that I’ve been posting a bit infrequently lately. I’ve noticed.

And the reason: I’m struggling with what and how much I want to share on my blog.

Part of me wishes I was still anonymous so I could be 100% completely honest and write what my heart is feeling. But I can’t. I’m not anonymous. Since I made the switch, I’ve started feeling unsure. I feel exposed. I feel vulnerable. I feel the need to build a wall.

And I hate that.

I hate that I feel like this because yes, I have a blog on the internet. And yes, I know that means people will read it. But still, I wish I had my old blog back.

I started blogging because it was a place for me to be me. It was a place where I was free. It was mine. I wrote some of my most personal thoughts there. I shared my baggage. I dug deep and laid it all out for anyone to read.

I miss that.

That blog helped me through so much. And this blog? It hasn’t been much more than a hassle lately. Sad, right?

With my new-ish lack of anonymity, I’ve added layers of armor. As a result, I feel like my writing has suffered. I feel impersonal. I feel like my posts have become superficial and stale. This blog isn’t what I want it to be anymore.

I need to find a way to change that.

Knowing Myself

I’m finding myself in a very annoying state of mind lately where I’m constantly comparing myself to others. I question each decision and wonder what others will think.

“What should I have for lunch? What color curtains should I hang in my bedroom? What should I do this weekend?”

Every. single. tiny. decision.

And I hate this new lack of confidence. Usually I am sure of myself and others’ opinions don’t really matter to me. So why is this happening now? Maybe it’s because I’m making new friends and not surrounded by people I know well. Maybe that’s why I’m so confused and unsure?

Whatever it is, it’s exhausting and I really wish I would snap out of it.

Staying Flexible

When I was still in New York I had big dreams about what my life would be like once I moved to Texas. I thought I would move into my mom’s house while I continued job hunting, I would secure a job within a few weeks, then I would move out, rent my own apartment and buy my own car (with the money from my new salary). But that hasn’t happened, obviously.

I’ve been home for six weeks now and I’m still living at home. I still don’t have a job. I’ve been on three interviews, but have yet to be offered a paying position, stupid recession. At first I was discouraged, but then I made a few adjustments and altered my plan.

I decided that I was going to work as a substitute teacher this year and find a part-time job to work at on the side. I filled out my substitute application last week and I’m scheduled to be fingerprinted on Thursday. This would ultimately lead me to to the alternative teaching certification program which I would begin in a couple months. I decided I would teach for two years and then become a school counselor. With this plan I decided I was okay with the idea of living at home for at least six more months while I saved up money and searched for a real teaching job. That was the plan until yesterday and I was excited about it.

But then I got a call about a position I applied for several weeks ago and for which I will interview tomorrow. It’s through a non-profit agency working with children, adolescents, and families dealing with family conflict, runaways and delinquent behavior. It sounds like something I would really enjoy and would be a great first job. The only concern I have is that the position is not in Austin. It’s in a small town about 100 miles north (actually, it’s the town where I went to college) which is not my first choice of places to live by any means. It’s away from my friends and family, and the town is pretty boring (I lived there for four years, I’m not exaggerating on this fact). But I guess that’s the only negative.

Of course, I’m not getting too set on the idea of moving yet… I haven’t even interviewed and have no idea what my chances are of getting hired. But still. It’s stressful to think about. I thought I had a set plan and now it’s been thrown up in the air again. It makes me feel a bit unprepared and restless. Flighty even. I’m so ready to settle down and start making some decisions about my life. I wish I could have a set, solid plan, you know? But then again, most plans don’t work out the way you’d like anyway so maybe it’s better to be flexible.

Anyway, wish me luck on my interview tomorrow! I’ll be sure to keep you updated.