So let’s talk about the break-up, part two.
It was much less traumatic than the first time. In fact, I knew what I was getting myself into the second time around. I guess preparing myself made it easier. The Boy told me he still wasn’t “sure about everything” but that he “wanted to try” even though he was scared he would hurt me again. I also think that my logic of “well, you never really know how it will end when you date someone and I think it’s stupid not to try just because you’re scared…” had some effect on his decision. So we tried again.
He took me out to eat at nice restaurants. He asked me to come up to his apartment and I politely declined (because yes, he told me to make him work for it!). He invited me to hang out with his friends. We created inside jokes. We had time to ourselves during the week, but he called me every night. I drove to Austin to see him (and my friends and family) on the weekends. He sent me sweet emails before he went to sleep. He mentioned plans of taking me to Houston to see an Astros game this summer. Everything was good.
But all along, I kept my heart protected. I knew he might back away at any second. He had warned me.
Then the signs began popping up. I planned to be in Austin over the weekend, but he had plans every night except Friday. When his plans for Saturday were canceled and he chose to play golf instead of seeing me (when he knew we wouldn’t see each other for two weeks) it clicked. I distanced myself knowing I would get hurt if I didn’t. I occupied the rest of my weekend with my mom and best friends. I ate nachos and drank margaritas. I went to baseball games and bars. Emotional distance. When he kept calling, I knew he knew… He knew I was not happy.
Sunday passed with only a mere “How was your day?” text. Compared to the hours of conversation every other day, this was torture.
On Monday I asked him if he wanted to grab lunch, but he said he was too busy. I replied saying I thought we should talk soon; he said “probably so”. Hours of awkward silence passed. “I know you’re really busy today, but I hate being frustrated and feeling like this, so I’d really like to talk sooner rather than later,” was what finally convinced him that we needed to talk.
He came over a few hours later. I knew from the minute I opened the door that it was over. We sat and talked for twenty minutes. He said he had no idea why I was angry… except for the fact that he didn’t “run it by me” that he was going to play golf and he didn’t think “we were at that stage of the relationship”. I corrected him and explained why I was so upset. I felt like I wasn’t important… and that scared me because the last time I felt like that, he broke up with me. He told me he wasn’t sure we wanted the same thing. He said he thought I was ready for a serious relationship and he didn’t want to commit to that. He told me he didn’t think I was “the one”. I told him that was fine, that I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t like me enough to be in a relationship. He said I deserved better. I agreed. What caused the break up was quite trivial and could have been worked out if we were both invested in making it work…. but apparently he wasn’t. So it’s better I found that out at the beginning, rather than six months from now.
Instead of getting angry or letting any tears fall, I told him he was stupid. It probably was not the most mature way to end a break-up, but he smiled. I gave him a hug and he walked out to his car.
Since then we’ve only two short conversations on g-chat. He’s always nice and seems super interested in what’s going on in my life, but as much as I’d like to be his friend, I’m not ready to let him back in yet. When he asked if we could still be friends I told him, “You can’t just break up with me and then expect me to be your friend right away. If you don’t care enough about me to date me, then you don’t deserve to benefit from my friendship while I’m still hurting.”
So yeah, the second time around I was smarter. The wounds aren’t nearly as deep, the pain is disappearing quickly and I’m growing stronger. Time is taking its course.
But still, I have to let these scars heal completely.