Category Archives: sadness

Lukewarm

I feel like I’ve been taken on an adventure over the past week which was kind of exhilarating, but also extremely frustrating. And of course this has to do with The Boy.

We had a three hour conversation last Monday evening. After I told him about my horrible dating story, he told me I shouldn’t settle. He said I was a catch. Then he told me that he had been in a funk since he ended things and that he missed me. He told me that he was still confused, but that he really missed talking to me. He said he likes me, but isn’t sure that we’re “right for each other” or that we “have enough in common”. I asked him what all of this meant. Did he want to try to work things out? He said that he wasn’t sure and that he was really sorry for messing with my head.

We continued talking all week. He initiated each conversation, but I complied. I missed talking to him too.

On Sunday we had another long conversation. He told me that part of him wanted to try again, but that he was scared he would change his mind and he was petrified to hurt me. I told him I needed an answer one way or the other… soon. I couldn’t keep talking every day if we were just going to be friends. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. He said he understood.

Yesterday we talked again. He told me that he decided we should just be friends. I told him that was fine if that’s what he really wanted, but I didn’t want him to throw away this chance just because he was scared of hurting me. He said he couldn’t fully commit to me- some days he thinks he likes me a lot, some days he likes me but feels something is missing, and some days he thinks he is just lonely and wants a girlfriend.

And if that is how he honestly feels then I agree. We should just be friends. I don’t want a guy who is just lukewarm about me. So now begins the real journey of moving on as I attempt to move The Boy into the “friend” compartment.

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Moving On

Sometimes I feel a little silly when I think about the break-up with the boy. We had only been dating just over two months. It seems like it wouldn’t be possible to become so attached to someone in such a short time, but somehow it happened. He seemed so perfect; he seemed like everything I wanted. So I fell hard. I let him fill my thoughts. I let him fill my free time. I let him have a piece of my heart.

And then he walked away.

At first I was in shock. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Then I became angry. How could he lead me on and let me down like this? I began questioning everything that had happened between us. The anger turned into sadness.  And then, slowly, the sadness began turning into acceptance. I’m still working on this… but it’s happening.

The past ten days have been a learning experience for me.
I learned that it’s okay to be sad, angry, frustrated, and even happy because all of those feelings come with a break-up. I learned that I don’t need to cry over a boy just because he doesn’t like me. I learned to call my mom when I’m sad and she will always make me feel better. I learned that even though I was used to talking to him for hours each day, I could easily modify that habit and spend more time with my co-workers. I learned that the mornings are usually the hardest for me, but if I can push through, the rest of the day will get better. I learned that I enjoy watching The Bachelor and American Idol by myself and sipping a glass of wine. I learned that I love running on the treadmill while listening to Black Eyed Peas and that it’s a great way to release pent up emotions. I learned that having your best friend come visit for the weekend will make you a million times happier. I learned that crushes on new boys are a fun distraction, especially when they take you to get ice cream when they find out you are sad. I learned that even though I still think about the boy and miss the fun times we had together, I will get through this.

Reviewing Year Twenty-four

Today I turn twenty-five!

I have a sneaky little feeling that this year is going to be amazing. I mean, it has to be with the new apartment, job, roommate, town and… life. But before I get ahead of myself, this past year has been filled with memories I don’t want to forget. Here is just a snippet of what happened:

1. I began my internship at an adult home working with clients with schizophrenia.
2. I went on a few dates with NB.
3. I saw Hanson in concert.
4. I missed my dad.
5. I became obsessed with Twilight.
6. I signed up for online dating.
7. I went on a date that cost over $1,300.
8. I attempted to navigate the “friend” category with C.
9. I had some really tough days.
10. I had some really bad dates.
11. I took more steps to become a counselor.
12. I met some awesome bloggers.
13. I spent Spring Break in Las Vegas.
14. I worried about the future.
15. I had a really great weekend.
16. I met a “fake blogger”.
17. I graduated.
18. I went on a cruise.
19. I decided to switched blogs.
20. I left New York City for Texas.
21. I went on several interviews.
22. I had an amazing Gap Party.
23. I almost moved to Korea.
24. I got a grown up job.
25. I bought a car.

26. I wished for year twenty-five to filled with just as many wonderful and perfect memories.

How Blogging Saved Me

Tonight I was inspired by a secret that was posted over at Brandy’s blog. Someone shared how they are battling severe depression and the only thing keeping them from thinking about suicide is the blogging community. This struck something within me. Although I cannot say I understand this secret completely (because I am not fighting thoughts of suicide), I can still relate, to a certain extent.

In a way, I feel like blogging saved me.

When I first started blogging I had no idea how much the blog community would mean to me. (Well, I didn’t even know there was a blog community!) Blogging was simply a way to pass the time and entertain myself. I had just moved to New York and knew very few people. I was beginning my first semester of graduate school and wanted another “hobby” so to speak. I wrote posts consisting of lists of my daily activities. I posted pictures of my polka dot rain boots because I thought they were cute (and they so were!). My posts were not meaningful or thought out. I didn’t have a purpose for my blog other than to write whatever I felt, whenever I felt like it. I didn’t “know” anyone in the blogging community and I only read a handful of blogs regularly.

I kept writing for several months, still with little direction. Until one day, out of nowhere, friendships began growing. I found 20SB. Emails were sent back and forth. I signed up for Twitter.  At that time blog community was a place for me to interact with my new friends and stay connected with their lives through their blogs. I still didn’t know what blogging would come to mean to me, though.

Then, in May 2008 my dad died. I was… well, I fell apart. I struggled to look like I was holding myself together, but I couldn’t. All I could think to do was turn to my blog. So I did. I wrote.

It saved me. When nothing else made me feel better, writing did.

And then C and I broke up in September. Again, I turned to my blog. I wrote some more.

It saved me, again.

You saved me. Your comments and emails. Your support pulled me through. When I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning, I thought of the blog posts you would write (and I knew I would love reading), so I pulled myself up to turn on my computer. You got me out of bed when nothing else could. Those nights when I lay on the couch crying and thinking my life would never get better, the one thought that made me consider a brighter day, that sliver of hope for the future, was because of blogging.

You, friends, saved me.

And since then you have seen me through my whirlwind months of dating. You were there when I graduated with my Master’s. You were there when I left New York and moved back home. And you’re still here.

Now I try to use blogging as my own personal, free form of therapy. I write when my heart is heavy. I write when I am happy, sad, excited, or angry. I write to feel better. And luckily enough I am still able to continue my awesome friendships at the same time.

So, thank you, friends. Each and every one of you. You mean everything to me. Everything.

The Job Hunt Continues

So, I didn’t get the job.

I was pretty bummed when I got the phone call yesterday afternoon, but the woman was very nice and talked with me for a while.

She explained that she chose someone with more experience and who could “hit the ground running”. She said she understood how it is frustrating to hear that because I don’t have much experience, but how will I ever get any if no one will hire me?

During our conversation I asked if there was anything I could have done differently that might have put me in a better position for the job. She said there wasn’t and that my presence was very welcoming and she thought I would do great in the field. She encouraged me to continue gaining more experience working with children and to apply again if I ever said they had openings in the future. She also gave me a few recommendations of other agencies and organizations that I might look in to for job openings.

I told her I appreciated everything and thanked her again for taking the time to interview me. She wished me “the best of luck” and then we hung up.

Of course I was upset that things didn’t work out as I had hoped. This means I cannot buy a car this week. This means I cannot start completing my budget and searching for apartments that are within my price range. Because gosh-darn-it I still don’t know what my price range is! Without a job lined up I know that I will be stuck at home for even longer. It’s frustrating. I was so ready to start making those decisions and start creating a new life for myself. And now I’m back to square one.

I really hoped that I would get this job. I thought it was perfect for me. I knew it would be a challange, but I also knew that I would learn a lot and grow professionally. But it didn’t work out, so that must mean there is something even more perfect out there waiting for me.

I’ve already started resubmitting my resume to every place I can find. This morning I made a list of several agencies to call today to ask about openings. I’m getting back on the horse. Sure I’m disappointed and I’m not going to lie and say I haven’t cried a time or two. I’m sad things didn’t work out, but I know I’ll find something else. I just have to be patient.

Goodbye, New York

I’m sitting at the Jet Blue terminal at JFK right now and it’s quickly living up to my expectations of amazingness and free wi-fi. With a medium iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts and a place to set up my laptop and write a blog post? I’m a happy girl.

It’s a paradox though, because I am officially leaving New York. In approximately 60 minutes. My roommate helped me carry three suitcases down 5 flights of stairs at 6am this morning. She’s a keeper. We stood on the sidewalk as we said our goodbyes and of course, cried our eyes out. It wasn’t the first time though- we cried at least twice last night as I kept going on about how this is my “last subway ride” and “last walk to our apartment” and “last walk up our horrible five flights of stairs”. I’m a sucker for memories and misery, I guess.

I really cannot believe I’m leaving. I think that’s why I kept reminding myself of my “last moments”. I still feel like I’m going to Texas for a vacation for a few weeks and then I’ll return to New York like always. I haven’t been to Texas for longer than two weeks at a time in the last 4 years. But here I am. Sitting at the airport waiting to board my plane to my new home.

Yesterday was an amazing day. I made to sure to create some lovely final memories of this city. The morning was filled with running errands and taking care of last minute business, but once that was finished, roommate and I had a glorious time. We had a late lunch of S’mac (mac-and-cheese), walked the streets of the Upper West Side, strolled through Central Park, went boating on the lake, and ate homemade brisket and wine for dinner. It really was a wonderful, wonderful time.

While we were sitting in the row boat in the middle of Central Park I kept reminding myself to look around. To look at the beauty surrounding me. To not forget that moment. It was peaceful. The water was calming. The sun was warm, but the breeze was cool. I was surrounded by my favorite people in New York. It really was a perfect way to end this two year adventure.

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So yes, I’m incredibly sad to be leaving, but I also know this is right for me. I hate to leave New York, but I also can’t wait to start my new chapter in Texas.

You or Me?

I’m so angry. I want to scream. I want to cry.

I do not understand why people can’t be understanding. I do not understand how someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally can be so selfish.

I was so excited this morning. I am graduating in less than two weeks. I am taking a cruise in three weeks. I have so much to look forward to…

But one phone call changed it all. One short conversation about something that means so much to me.

I’m no longer excited. I’m angry and sad.

I have to make some huge, life-changing decisions to make now and I have to figure out what is most important.

Do I pick A or B? Do I choose you or me?