Category Archives: Uncategorized

We’ve Moved!

This is just a friendly reminder letting you know that this blog has moved.

If you want to keep reading, come join me here.

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Something New

If you’re still reading this, come on over and check out my new blog: http://ashleyasaurora.com (and be sure to update your RSS feeds)!

Actually, it’s the same blog, I just made the move to self-hosting and got a pretty new makeover (thanks to Steph Anne from Luxe Chandelier)!

But seriously, my new blog is awesome. Come see!!

Second Time Around

So let’s talk about the break-up, part two.

It was much less traumatic than the first time. In fact, I knew what I was getting myself into the second time around. I guess preparing myself made it easier. The Boy told me he still wasn’t “sure about everything” but that he “wanted to try” even though he was scared he would hurt me again. I also think that my logic of “well, you never really know how it will end when you date someone and I think it’s stupid not to try just because you’re scared…” had some effect on his decision. So we tried again.

He took me out to eat at nice restaurants. He asked me to come up to his apartment and I politely declined (because yes, he told me to make him work for it!). He invited me to hang out with his friends. We created inside jokes. We had time to ourselves during the week, but he called me every night. I drove to Austin to see him (and my friends and family) on the weekends. He sent me sweet emails before he went to sleep. He mentioned plans of taking me to Houston to see an Astros game this summer. Everything was good.

But all along, I kept my heart protected. I knew he might back away at any second. He had warned me.

Then the signs began popping up. I planned to be in Austin over the weekend, but he had plans every night except Friday. When his plans for Saturday were canceled and he chose to play golf instead of seeing me (when he knew we wouldn’t see each other for two weeks) it clicked. I distanced myself knowing I would get hurt if I didn’t. I occupied the rest of my weekend with my mom and best friends. I ate nachos and drank margaritas. I went to baseball games and bars. Emotional distance. When he kept calling, I knew he knew… He knew I was not happy.

Sunday passed with only a mere “How was your day?” text. Compared to the hours of conversation every other day, this was torture.

On Monday I asked him if he wanted to grab lunch, but he said he was too busy. I replied saying I thought we should talk soon; he said “probably so”. Hours of awkward silence passed. “I know you’re really busy today, but I hate being frustrated and feeling like this, so I’d really like to talk sooner rather than later,” was what finally convinced him that we needed to talk.

He came over a few hours later. I knew from the minute I opened the door that it was over. We sat and talked for twenty minutes. He said he had no idea why I was angry… except for the fact that he didn’t “run it by me” that he was going to play golf and he didn’t think “we were at that stage of the relationship”. I corrected him and explained why I was so upset. I felt like I wasn’t important… and that scared me because the last time I felt like that, he broke up with me. He told me he wasn’t sure we wanted the same thing. He said he thought I was ready for a serious relationship and he didn’t want to commit to that. He told me he didn’t think I was “the one”. I told him that was fine, that I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t like me enough to be in a relationship. He said I deserved better. I agreed. What caused the break up was quite trivial and could have been worked out if we were both invested in making it work…. but apparently he wasn’t. So it’s better I found that out at the beginning, rather than six months from now.

Instead of getting angry or letting any tears fall, I told him he was stupid. It probably was not the most mature way to end a break-up, but he smiled. I gave him a hug and he walked out to his car.

Since then we’ve only two short conversations on g-chat. He’s always nice and seems super interested in what’s going on in my life, but as much as I’d like to be his friend, I’m not ready to let him back in yet. When he asked if we could still be friends I told him, “You can’t just break up with me and then expect me to be your friend right away. If you don’t care enough about me to date me, then you don’t deserve to benefit from my friendship while I’m still hurting.”

So yeah, the second time around I was smarter. The wounds aren’t nearly as deep, the pain is disappearing quickly and I’m growing stronger. Time is taking its course.

But still, I have to let these scars heal completely.

New Moon Goodness


Create your own FACEinHOLE

Don’t Edward and I look great together? HA. Yes, I really did just go there.

But seriously, let’s talk New Moon. Thursday evening when I got off work I drove back to my hometown to meet up with one of my BFFs for a late dinner, the midnight showing of New Moon, and a sleepover. After scarfing down some delicious chips and salsa, a huuuuge burrito, and several diet cokes we headed for the theater. By the time we got to our seats, at 11:05pm, the theater was full. We overheard that some people had been camping out for seats since 7pm. Umm no thanks, I have more of a life than that and I can enjoy Edward and Jacob just as well from my super close fourth row seats.

Of course the teenage girls were screaming and squealing as soon as the lights dimmed. And there was more screaming when Edward and Jacob appeared on the screen. I do agree those boys are super hot, but all the screaming kind of ruined it for me.

Anyway, my thoughts on New Moon:

Sooo much better than Twilight. I was disappointed when I saw Twilight and was especially annoyed by the blue tint throughout the movie. Thank goodness,  New Moon was tint-free! I also thought New Moon was less cheesy (still a good amount of cheese though, don’t worry!) and followed the book a lot closer than Twilight.

Kristen Stewart is still just as awkward, but somehow tolerable. Her hair looked awesome too.

Edward was hot, but it seemed like he was only in the movie for like 10 minutes. And his shirtless scene? Kinda creepy, if I’m being honest. I know he’s a vampire and supposed to be pale, but it was kind of too much. Not attractive, sorry Rob. Jacob on the other hand…

Oh, Jacob. I’m pretty sure he has the sexiest body ever. Some of his lines were pretty corny and I sort of felt like I was watching a bad soap opera, but his adorableness and rock hard abs totally made up for it. And he and Bella have some serious chemistry on screen. Because of all his hotness? I’m sort of torn… am I Team Edward or Team Jacob? I DON’T KNOW!!!

Did anyone else crack up laughing during Alice’s vision of Edward and Bella in the future? Seriously, the slow motion running and flowing white dress? Hilarious.

And the break up scene? I almost cried. Not sure if it was because I was already exhausted from a long day, or if the acting was really that good… or maybe I just empathize with Edward and Bella too much?

The werewolves were great, but the special effects were a little over the top. At one point I felt like I was watching a cartoon which was not what I wanted.

Also, I laughed way more during New Moon. The whole first half of the movie was filled with great one-liners that I will be quoting for the next six months. You have been warned.

And the ending? I gasped. At least we only have to wait until June because OMG!

Overall, I loved it. And I will be seeing again. Many, many times.

Have you seen New Moon yet? What did you think?

Glee Therapy

While watching Glee last night I had a bit of a revelation. Awesome, right?

I won’t go into details about the show, but basically, Rachel learned why she and Mr. Schuster would never make it as a romantic couple. She was told, “We look for boys we know we can never have… Mr. Schuster is the perfect target for our self-esteem issues. He can never reciprocate our feelings which only reinforces the conviction that we are not worthy of being loved.”

And the light bulb went off.

Now, this quote doesn’t apply directly to me as I don’t think I have any major self-esteem issues, but it still struck something inside me. It made me think that maybe I’m supporting this destructive pattern within myself.

Since my dad was an alcoholic, I’m constantly observing my choice in men. I don’t want to repeat the pattern by settling with a guy who is tied to alcohol or drugs, or any other unhealthy, life destroying drama. I’ve been there and it’s not a happy situation. So I monitor my choices so as to not fall into that again.

Usually I go for one’s I can (try to) save. It’s my personality. I’m a helper. I like to find the men that don’t quite have it all together, have some baggage of their own, and I try to fix them. Obviously, as my track record shows, this hasn’t really worked out too well for me in the past.

I find the men that I know are not fully available (in whatever sense of the word). I pursue them because they seem funny, or smart, or spontaneous, etc. I become attached because I see they are flawed (and that makes them human and therefore more likable). I fall deeper because I think, “If I can help him and make his life better, then surely he will fall in love with me and then we will live happily ever after.”

And all of this happens within an hour of meeting the guy.

But to give myself some credit, in my last relationship all of that was true except for the happily ever ever part. Then again, I guess that’s kinda the whole goal in being in a relationship… thus I have a problem.

If I continue this pattern I only going to end up frustrated and angry in a dead-end relationship, or alone.

I need a guy who is excited about life. A guy who is honest, and sincere, and loves me. A guy who loves me more than he loves alcohol. A guy who is committed. A guy who enjoys his work and spending time with his friends. A guy who has goals that do not involve ‘waking up’ and ‘eating lunch’ but who is aiming much higher. A guy who does not want me to solve his problems. A guy who wants me to stand next to him, not behind or in front of him.

And really, I’m not going to find that in someone I’m trying to save.

Right.

So I guess now that I’m more aware of this, I can start acting on it. Isn’t that how these things work?

Employed

Yes, I let my logical, rational, adult self win.

I accepted the job offer.

Many of your comments helped me make the decision. You’re right: This is something I’ve been working toward for a very long time. I’ve been job hunting for the last six months looking for a position like this. I could turn it down, but I’m sure I would regret it. I need the experience. I need to connections in the field. I need this opportunity.

And while travel and living abroad was a wonderful plan for this time in my life, it’s not going to happen right now. But that doesn’t mean I can’t do it again later. I would still live to travel, and I’m not throwing the towel in on this plan just yet. Maybe I’ll decide it’s my time next year. Or maybe I’ll never live abroad again, but I can still visit. And this job will help me save money. So hopefully I still get to have all those foreign adventures someday soon, just not right now.

If I hadn’t been given this job, I would be packing my bags right now, no doubt. But I believe things happen for a reason. I got the phone call the same day I wrote that blog post about traveling for a reason. So I jumped on it. I took the job.

And now my life is revolving around finding an apartment, finding a car I can afford, and mentally designed that new soon-to-be-true apartment. I cannot wait.

Settling

Today I am also guest blogging for Amber at Girl With The Red Hair. I’m sharing all the details of my long-distance relationship that somehow lasted SIX YEARS! I know! You don’t want to miss that!

Since I’ve decide to alter my career plans a bit, I’ve been met with some mixed reactions from people. My family and most friends are completely supportive and excited for me. However, one friend is telling me that I shouldn’t go into teaching. “It’s not your first choice” (Really? When did I say what my first choice was?) and “Don’t settle!” (Since when is deciding to be a teacher settling? Is there something “better” I should be doing with my time because I can’t think of a single thing.) You mean I’m not getting a job as a counselor right out of school? That I’m pursuing another career path that I’ve always wanted to try? That I’m really excited about this new path and can’t wait to get started? Is that settling?

I don’t think so.

It’s frustrating, though, all these people giving me their opinions and wanting me to feel the same way. I’m trying to figure out what I want and what will make me happy. But everything becomes so confused when I have multiple opinions thrown at me from all directions.

I’m trying to remember that this is my life and I need to focus on just that. It doesn’t matter if one particular friend doesn’t agree with my decision. She isn’t the one who has to live with it. And she won’t be the one waking up each morning either excited for the new day or dreading the next 8 hours. I am.

I’m not settling. I’m taking a detour, one that I am extremely excited about.

So, I’m curious. Have you ever dealt with a situation like this? Have you been met with conflicting ideas about what people think will make you happy? How did you deal with it?