The boy saga continues… or ends

Of course, the same day I published my last post about “moving on”, the boy decides to email me. The same freaking day. I shouldn’t have been so surprised. That’s how life works, right?

His email was short and basically asked if I still hated him, if he could talk to me yet, and how I was doing. Thankfully I was still at work when I saw it pop up in my inbox and my co-workers were around to save me from a major freak out session.  After five minutes of “OMG, what do I do? Do I write back? What do I say? Whyyy is he emailing me???!” I was fine.

I waited a day and wrote back. I wanted to let him know that I was still upset, but that I didn’t hate him. I wanted to be a little feisty and show that what he did was not so easily forgivable. But I also didn’t want to be too mean.

“Hey, I’m kinda surprised to hear from you. I understand what you were feeling (or not feeling) and why you ended things, but I think you handled it in a really crappy way. I’m still trying to decide if someone who could do that to me is someone I want in my life. I don’t hate you or anything, but I’m not ready to talk or start being friends. I hope Austin in treating you well; [my town] has been surprisingly entertaining lately.”

I thought I wouldn’t hear from him again. I thought he would wait and give me time and space. But no. I got another email from him at 1am the next morning. A novel of an email.

He rambled. He tried to explain himself. He said “something was missing” between us, again. He repeated everything he said during the break-up conversation. It was like he was ending things all over again. He also complimented me and said he was being sincere when he said he wanted to be friends. Then he apologized for hurting me.

That was Thursday night.

I decided to take a few days to think about it. I talked to my friends. I talked to my mom. I talked to other guys. I asked their opinions. I focused on how I really felt and how I wanted this to turn out. Finally I decided the boy and I needed to talk. My stomach was in a knot and I knew it would only get worse if I let things stay how they were. So Monday afternoon I made my move and started a conversation on gchat.

We talked for almost twenty minutes and laid everything out for each other. I was honest and told him why I was so upset. I told him that I felt like he was acting like he really liked me for so long and that’s why it was such a shock when he ended it. I told him that if he was having second thoughts about us he shouldn’t have talked about the future or invited me to dinner with his parents. He apologized again. He explained his thought process more clearly which helped me to understand where he was coming from. I told him he acted like a jerk and he agreed. I told him I wanted to try to be friends with him eventually, but that I really liked him and I couldn’t just switch off those feelings. He said he understood and he would give me as much time and space as I needed. He told me to let him know when I wanted to talk again.

So overall I think it went really well. I feel like we cleared the air and that will make it easier for me to move on.

He also gave me permission to punch him if I ever see him again… which I just might have to do.

Moving On

Sometimes I feel a little silly when I think about the break-up with the boy. We had only been dating just over two months. It seems like it wouldn’t be possible to become so attached to someone in such a short time, but somehow it happened. He seemed so perfect; he seemed like everything I wanted. So I fell hard. I let him fill my thoughts. I let him fill my free time. I let him have a piece of my heart.

And then he walked away.

At first I was in shock. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Then I became angry. How could he lead me on and let me down like this? I began questioning everything that had happened between us. The anger turned into sadness.  And then, slowly, the sadness began turning into acceptance. I’m still working on this… but it’s happening.

The past ten days have been a learning experience for me.
I learned that it’s okay to be sad, angry, frustrated, and even happy because all of those feelings come with a break-up. I learned that I don’t need to cry over a boy just because he doesn’t like me. I learned to call my mom when I’m sad and she will always make me feel better. I learned that even though I was used to talking to him for hours each day, I could easily modify that habit and spend more time with my co-workers. I learned that the mornings are usually the hardest for me, but if I can push through, the rest of the day will get better. I learned that I enjoy watching The Bachelor and American Idol by myself and sipping a glass of wine. I learned that I love running on the treadmill while listening to Black Eyed Peas and that it’s a great way to release pent up emotions. I learned that having your best friend come visit for the weekend will make you a million times happier. I learned that crushes on new boys are a fun distraction, especially when they take you to get ice cream when they find out you are sad. I learned that even though I still think about the boy and miss the fun times we had together, I will get through this.

Even the Nice Ones Will Break Your Heart

To say that it came as a surprise would be a huge understatement.

There were no warning signs, no tips to let me know he was thinking of ending it. Thursday night we talked on the phone for an hour and he invited me to a wedding in March. He called me Friday after he got off work and asked me to come over. As I was driving over to his apartment we were talking on the phone and he invited me to have dinner with his family on Saturday. I told him I would love to go. When I got to his apartment we went out to dinner and then watched a movie. We laughed and talked for hours. He asked me to stay the night, but I told him I needed to go home since I was staying with my mom. He walked me to my car and told me he would call me in the morning.
Saturday afternoon I met him at work before we went to the University of Texas basketball game. “I found a movie that we need to go see. Come watch this trailer”, he said. He wrapped his arms around my waist and spun me around to kiss him. During the basketball game he held my hand. Later we went back to his apartment to change clothes before meeting his parents and grandmother for dinner. We ate shrimp cocktail, salads, filet mignon, and cheesecake. I shared a bottle of wine with his mother. His dad asked about my job and where I went to school. We talked about New York. The boy rubbed my leg under the table and smiled. His parents joked about how the boy is obsessed with sports. His mother mentioned that we should all go to church in the morning and then go out for breakfast. After dinner we went back to his parents house where his mother gave me a tour and showed me pictures from the boy’s childhood. When we left their house, the boy and I stopped by my sister’s apartment so that I could introduce them. We watched the first half of Happy Gilmore before we drove back to his apartment.
All evening he had been a bit quieter than normal, but I figured he was just tired since he was up late the night before and had worked all morning. It was barely 11:00pm when we got back to his apartment so I assumed we would hang out for while and I would go back to my mom’s house around 1:00am, like I had every other Saturday night. The boy and I were laying on the couch watching TV when he said, “I’m really tired, I think I’m going to go to sleep.” “Aww, I guess I’ll go home then,” I said sadly, but trying to be understanding. I was surprised because the boy had never acted like this before, but I didn’t argue. He walked me to my car. “Drive safely tomorrow,” he said. This threw me off completely. I never told him I was driving the 75 minutes back to my apartment the next day. I had actually planned to stay all day Sunday to see him again. I looked at him. “Okay…” I said with a hint of surprise and anger. He gave me a hug and kiss goodnight. “Bye then.” I got in my car and drove back to my mom’s house trying to figure out what just happened. The boy had never been a jerk before… why did he just do that? I decided I wouldn’t be angry, but just text him the truth. “I want to stay and see you tomorrow,” I wrote.  We text back and forth for half an hour, me saying I want to see him, him saying I should go back to my apartment so I can see my friends. Finally he asked if I want to stay and go to church with him. “Yes, but I feel awkward now, like you doesn’t want me to come.” “Don’t be like that,” he said. “I’ll pick you up around 9:15.”
In the morning he called to say he was on his over. He pulled in the driveway, came to the front door and walked me back to the car. As soon as he closed his door he looked at me. “We needed to have a talk.” My heart stopped. I knew something was wrong the night before, but I had no idea it would lead to this. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” he said. I calmly asked why. He explained that he always had a lot of fun with me and that he thought I was really nice and cute, but something was missing. He said he had been waiting to feel something more, but it wasn’t there. He said he wanted to be excited to see me when I come to town, but he wasn’t. I tried to ignore the crushing pain in my stomach and nodded my head. He said he could tell I really liked him a lot this weekend and that he thought it would be wrong to keep seeing me knowing that he didn’t feel the same way. “I was a dick last night and you don’t deserve to be treated that way. I could tell you were upset.” “Yeah, you were a dick,” I agreed. He said he talked to his friends about this a couple weeks ago, and he was waiting to see if something would happen and he would feel differently, but it hadn’t. I asked why he introduced me to his parents if he wasn’t sure if he really liked me. He said he didn’t think it was that big of a deal, that he introduces all his friends to his family. I pointed out that he wasn’t dating all his other friends and that this was different. He said I was right and he hoped we could still talk, if I wasn’t too mad at him. I didn’t say anything, knowing I would be lying. “I guess you have to go to church now,” I finally broke the silence. “I can talk a little bit longer,” he replied. “No,” I said, “I don’t really have anything to say.” He told me he was sorry. “Yeah, this sucks.” We both got out of the car and he gave me a hug. “Thanks for being honest, I guess…” I said and I walked back inside the house. Shocked.
Almost 30 hours later and I still don’t believe it. Did that really just happen?
Was he faking it the entire time and leading me on? He really didn’t like me? All those nice gestures, asking me to spend the night, planning for Valentine’s day and a wedding in March, taking me to dinner, and telling me you want to spend all your free time with me? That’s what you do for someone you don’t really like? I’m not sure I believe that.
But then if he wasn’t telling the truth, there are only a few other explanations, none of which make me feel any better.
Possibly his parents said something to him? Even though we seemed to get along great and I met him mom last weekend, it’s weird that he ended things the day after I had dinner with them. Right?
Or maybe he was all in it for the chase? And now that he realized I like him, he’s not interested anymore? I really hope that isn’t the case because he was so nice for the two months we were dating and that makes him even more of a jerk if it was just a game to him.
And the last option, which my girl friends were kind enough to provide, is that he’s scared. He likes me too much and doesn’t want this to get serious. But if that’s true, he’s still a jerk for making me feel like this.
So maybe he just never liked me… and now my faith in nice guys has officially been destroyed.

Sparks

He drove them back to his apartment after an evening of playing Trivial Pursuit: Pop Culture with a group of friends.

They stood in his dark living room, only the streetlights shining in the through the window.

Her arms wrapped around his waist as he looked down at her. She smiled. He lowered his head and kissed her. She felt a rush.

Sparks.

Suddenly, he began tickling her. She screamed; he laughed.

They hugged.

She looked into his blue eyes. She loved how he combined the playful and romantic in a way that made her heart flutter.

He grabbed her hand and pulled her to the ground. She found herself laying on the floor next to him, his fingers still intertwined with his.

He raised his free hand and pointed to the ceiling. “Those are stars,” he said. “Aren’t they beautiful?”

She giggled. “Really?” she asked.

“Yes, that’s the Big Dipper in the corner, and over there, next to the kitchen, is Cassiopeia.”

“You only know that one from watching Serendipity!”

He laughed because she was right. “Okay… but if you look hard enough you can find Mars. Do you see it?”

“You mean that red dot?” she pointed to the smoke detector.

“Yep!” he exclaimed as he rolled over and kissed her.

She laid her head on his shoulder. He squeezed her hand. ‘This is how it’s supposed to be. This is how I’m supposed to feel,’ she thought to herself.

Another Swoon-y Post

Somewhere along the winding road of dinner dates, movie marathons, phone calls, and text messages I managed to fall for this boy.

He’s everything I’ve ever wanted. He’s thoughtful. He’s sincere. He’s interested in what I have to say. He’s considerate. He’s a gentleman. He’s funny. He’s friendly to strangers. He’s easy going. He tells me (directly) that he likes me. He’s goofy. He’s polite. When it comes down to it, he’s awesome.

Of course, my history of “not so awesome” guys has led me to question things.

“Most guys just put on this show of being nice at the beginning, but it eventually fades… Will happen to you?” I wonder aloud. He assures me that he’s just being who he is. I tell him that’s good, because I like what I’ve seen so far.

My friends think I’m crazy for being so straightforward with him, but that’s how I like things to be in a relationship. If you can’t be honest, then what’s the point? Anyway, it didn’t seem to freak the boy out, so it was fine.

A few weeks ago I casually mentioned that I hate Valentine’s Day. He just smiled and said nothing is response. Today he said he got his schedule for announcing college softball this season and then said that he’s working every game Valentine’s Day weekend. Ten games to be exact. I told him that was fine and I could make other plans. (And really, we haven’t even had the “exclusive” talk yet, so…..). But then he said he would be finished around 3pm on the 14th and he would like to see me that evening.

He’s thinking about Valentine’s Day. And he’s thinking about spending it with me.

I told him would be coming to town this weekend and I would like to see him. “I’m free for lunch, are you?”, “No, I already have plans, and you’re busy Friday night, right?”, “Yep…”, “What about Saturday?”, “I’m working most of the afternoon.” It went back and forth. “How about I take you to dinner and movie Saturday night?”, he asked. “Um, okay!” “It’s a date then.”

So dinner and a movie.

“I want to fit you in to all the free time I have”, was all it took to make me heart swoon.

This boy.

*sigh*

He’s doing something to me…

The Things He Does

He calls when he says he will.

He talks to me on gchat when I’m bored at work.

He opens the car door for me.

He pays for our dates, unless I offer to pay first.

He kisses my forehead.

He doesn’t flinch when I ask him to go see The Young Victoria.

He patiently explains the answers when I ask him questions about football during the game.

He tells me I’m beautiful.

He laughs at my stupid jokes.

He holds my hand while he’s driving.

He tells me I look crazy and then kisses me again.

He offers me the last piece of pizza.

He wraps his arms around me as I fall asleep on the couch.

He laughs and says “okay” when I suggest we watch Twilight.

He stays longer when I ask him not to leave.

And when I ask him why, he simply says he wants me to be happy.

Pass It On: A Plea

Today I am sharing something that is much more important than anything I could say. So please read this, think about it, pray about it, and share it with others.

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.