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Something New

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Second Time Around

So let’s talk about the break-up, part two.

It was much less traumatic than the first time. In fact, I knew what I was getting myself into the second time around. I guess preparing myself made it easier. The Boy told me he still wasn’t “sure about everything” but that he “wanted to try” even though he was scared he would hurt me again. I also think that my logic of “well, you never really know how it will end when you date someone and I think it’s stupid not to try just because you’re scared…” had some effect on his decision. So we tried again.

He took me out to eat at nice restaurants. He asked me to come up to his apartment and I politely declined (because yes, he told me to make him work for it!). He invited me to hang out with his friends. We created inside jokes. We had time to ourselves during the week, but he called me every night. I drove to Austin to see him (and my friends and family) on the weekends. He sent me sweet emails before he went to sleep. He mentioned plans of taking me to Houston to see an Astros game this summer. Everything was good.

But all along, I kept my heart protected. I knew he might back away at any second. He had warned me.

Then the signs began popping up. I planned to be in Austin over the weekend, but he had plans every night except Friday. When his plans for Saturday were canceled and he chose to play golf instead of seeing me (when he knew we wouldn’t see each other for two weeks) it clicked. I distanced myself knowing I would get hurt if I didn’t. I occupied the rest of my weekend with my mom and best friends. I ate nachos and drank margaritas. I went to baseball games and bars. Emotional distance. When he kept calling, I knew he knew… He knew I was not happy.

Sunday passed with only a mere “How was your day?” text. Compared to the hours of conversation every other day, this was torture.

On Monday I asked him if he wanted to grab lunch, but he said he was too busy. I replied saying I thought we should talk soon; he said “probably so”. Hours of awkward silence passed. “I know you’re really busy today, but I hate being frustrated and feeling like this, so I’d really like to talk sooner rather than later,” was what finally convinced him that we needed to talk.

He came over a few hours later. I knew from the minute I opened the door that it was over. We sat and talked for twenty minutes. He said he had no idea why I was angry… except for the fact that he didn’t “run it by me” that he was going to play golf and he didn’t think “we were at that stage of the relationship”. I corrected him and explained why I was so upset. I felt like I wasn’t important… and that scared me because the last time I felt like that, he broke up with me. He told me he wasn’t sure we wanted the same thing. He said he thought I was ready for a serious relationship and he didn’t want to commit to that. He told me he didn’t think I was “the one”. I told him that was fine, that I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t like me enough to be in a relationship. He said I deserved better. I agreed. What caused the break up was quite trivial and could have been worked out if we were both invested in making it work…. but apparently he wasn’t. So it’s better I found that out at the beginning, rather than six months from now.

Instead of getting angry or letting any tears fall, I told him he was stupid. It probably was not the most mature way to end a break-up, but he smiled. I gave him a hug and he walked out to his car.

Since then we’ve only two short conversations on g-chat. He’s always nice and seems super interested in what’s going on in my life, but as much as I’d like to be his friend, I’m not ready to let him back in yet. When he asked if we could still be friends I told him, “You can’t just break up with me and then expect me to be your friend right away. If you don’t care enough about me to date me, then you don’t deserve to benefit from my friendship while I’m still hurting.”

So yeah, the second time around I was smarter. The wounds aren’t nearly as deep, the pain is disappearing quickly and I’m growing stronger. Time is taking its course.

But still, I have to let these scars heal completely.

So, hello again

I’m the type of person who likes to be genuine and fully committed.  I  prefer to be honest and real in all that I do. So when I didn’t feel like blogging for almost two months, I didn’t force myself. I knew it would be pressed and come across as fake and I never want that to happen. I’m sorry for leaving you all so abruptly; it wasn’t planned, I promise. Maybe I just needed a break. I’m not sure what came over me. I thought about blogging almost daily. I opened my reader every few days and browsed through blogs, curious as to what was happening in all your lives. I smiled hugely when I saw new comments asking if I was ever coming back. I missed you all, but I still wasn’t ready to jump back in. Then tonight, unexpectedly, I was filled with motivation and the desire to write. So, hello again.

I really cannot believe how much time has passed. There is so much I want to share with you.

Did you know that I got back together with The Boy after my last post? Did you know that we dated for almost  a month, he was perfect, and then he broke up with me again? Did you also know that I’m not nearly as heartbroken as the first time (perhaps because I guarded my heart more securely this time around) and honestly, I’m not  entirely surprised at how things have turned out?

Did you know that I’ve been working crazy long days, but loving almost every minute of my job? Seriously, I have the best co-workers and I am so thankful to work for such an amazing company. I love that I get to impact the lives of children and adolescents on a daily basis and see their relationships with their families improving. Amazing.

Did you know that I’ve had a conversation or two with C over the past few weeks? It was the first time I was able to talk openly with him about The Boy and he was honest enough to give me his opinion and point of view about the situation. He explained how he felt that I “quickly become emotionally attached” in relationships which “can be a good thing, or a terrible thing in the wrong hands”… and that “because of [my] past, those feelings mean more to [me] than most people”. Umm… exactly. That guy knows me so well. Before we hung up I was sure to thank him profusely for a free therapy session.

Did you know that I’ve made some major progress on my 101 in 1001? Well I have and you should go check it out.

So let’s review, shall we? Since I last blogged, I got back together with the boy, had a few weeks of bliss, was broken up with again, began moving on, spent many long hours at work, and re-focused my attention on myself.  I’ve spent my days doing what I need to be happy. I’ve begun reading a new book, I’ve explored new music, I’ve talked to friends, I’ve drank wine, and I’ve run a few extra minutes past my goal on the treadmill. I’ve been trying to empower myself. Things are good. So… what’s new with you?

Lukewarm

I feel like I’ve been taken on an adventure over the past week which was kind of exhilarating, but also extremely frustrating. And of course this has to do with The Boy.

We had a three hour conversation last Monday evening. After I told him about my horrible dating story, he told me I shouldn’t settle. He said I was a catch. Then he told me that he had been in a funk since he ended things and that he missed me. He told me that he was still confused, but that he really missed talking to me. He said he likes me, but isn’t sure that we’re “right for each other” or that we “have enough in common”. I asked him what all of this meant. Did he want to try to work things out? He said that he wasn’t sure and that he was really sorry for messing with my head.

We continued talking all week. He initiated each conversation, but I complied. I missed talking to him too.

On Sunday we had another long conversation. He told me that part of him wanted to try again, but that he was scared he would change his mind and he was petrified to hurt me. I told him I needed an answer one way or the other… soon. I couldn’t keep talking every day if we were just going to be friends. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. He said he understood.

Yesterday we talked again. He told me that he decided we should just be friends. I told him that was fine if that’s what he really wanted, but I didn’t want him to throw away this chance just because he was scared of hurting me. He said he couldn’t fully commit to me- some days he thinks he likes me a lot, some days he likes me but feels something is missing, and some days he thinks he is just lonely and wants a girlfriend.

And if that is how he honestly feels then I agree. We should just be friends. I don’t want a guy who is just lukewarm about me. So now begins the real journey of moving on as I attempt to move The Boy into the “friend” compartment.

Dating Is Like Baseball

Okay, so before I get any more “awww, he sounds so sweet” comments, I want to clear something up.Yes, this guy was sweet on the date and put some thought into where he wanted to kiss me, but it wasn’t all sparkles and rainbows.

And I will not be seeing this guy again.

For several reasons.

One: He forgot my name. Seriously. (STRIKE ONE)

Two: He was on a talk show… last week. He brought this up on our date. To make things even worse, he was on this show for dating advice because he is “too clingy” and has been known to call girls repeatedly and even drive by their houses to see if they are home. He told me he is now in counseling for this. (STRIKE TWO and RED FLAG)

Three: When he asked me out for the second date, he asked if we could rent a movie. Which, sure, okay, whatever. But then he asked if we could watch it at my apartment. I don’t know about you, but I don’t really let random guys come over on the second date. Especially when I know they have a history of stalking girls. So I asked if we could go to his place instead or maybe just go out for dinner… .and he got an attitude. Not cool. (STRIKE THREE)

With all of this drama after just one date? He’s out of the game. I’m sure you don’t disagree with my decision.

A Kiss on the Bridge

We began texting a few days ago. Last night was no different. But eventually the casual “hey, how’s it going?” and “what are you up to tonight?” led to “want to meet up at Local Bar in 30 minutes?”

And that’s how the first date came to be.

He bought me a beer and we sat at a small table in the corner. He asked me to tell him more about myself. I talked about the time I spent in France and the past two years in New York. I learned where he grew up and where his family lives now. We argued over whether Austin or Dallas was the cooler city. (Obviously Austin, duh!) We commiserated about how boring our small little town can be. We talked about music, religion, and education. He told me he was “really attracted” to me and that it was almost “palpable”. And then he asked when he could kiss me. I smiled and told him “not right now because that would be completely awkward from across the table”. He laughed.

When we finished our drinks he asked if I would like to go for a walk.

“Umm…” I replied. Back in New York, going for a walk would be a normal activity, but here? In small town Texas? Not so much.

“We could go over to the bridge. It’s not that cold out.”

“Yeah… I guess we could,” I said, still not understanding.

“You don’t want to go, do you?”

“It’s not that… it just seems a little weird. People don’t really walk a lot here.”

“You’re making this really difficult on me!” he joked. “I wanted to take you to the bridge so I could kiss you there.”

“Oh.” I smiled.

A few minutes later we were shrugging on our jackets and leaving the bar. We walked the few short blocks to the bridge and stood overlooking the water. He told me funny stories about his friends. We laughed at the ducks quacking loudly below us. We talked some more. I looked at him and then back out to the water.

via

“Can I kiss you yet?” he asked.

“Yes.”

The boy saga continues… or ends

Of course, the same day I published my last post about “moving on”, the boy decides to email me. The same freaking day. I shouldn’t have been so surprised. That’s how life works, right?

His email was short and basically asked if I still hated him, if he could talk to me yet, and how I was doing. Thankfully I was still at work when I saw it pop up in my inbox and my co-workers were around to save me from a major freak out session.  After five minutes of “OMG, what do I do? Do I write back? What do I say? Whyyy is he emailing me???!” I was fine.

I waited a day and wrote back. I wanted to let him know that I was still upset, but that I didn’t hate him. I wanted to be a little feisty and show that what he did was not so easily forgivable. But I also didn’t want to be too mean.

“Hey, I’m kinda surprised to hear from you. I understand what you were feeling (or not feeling) and why you ended things, but I think you handled it in a really crappy way. I’m still trying to decide if someone who could do that to me is someone I want in my life. I don’t hate you or anything, but I’m not ready to talk or start being friends. I hope Austin in treating you well; [my town] has been surprisingly entertaining lately.”

I thought I wouldn’t hear from him again. I thought he would wait and give me time and space. But no. I got another email from him at 1am the next morning. A novel of an email.

He rambled. He tried to explain himself. He said “something was missing” between us, again. He repeated everything he said during the break-up conversation. It was like he was ending things all over again. He also complimented me and said he was being sincere when he said he wanted to be friends. Then he apologized for hurting me.

That was Thursday night.

I decided to take a few days to think about it. I talked to my friends. I talked to my mom. I talked to other guys. I asked their opinions. I focused on how I really felt and how I wanted this to turn out. Finally I decided the boy and I needed to talk. My stomach was in a knot and I knew it would only get worse if I let things stay how they were. So Monday afternoon I made my move and started a conversation on gchat.

We talked for almost twenty minutes and laid everything out for each other. I was honest and told him why I was so upset. I told him that I felt like he was acting like he really liked me for so long and that’s why it was such a shock when he ended it. I told him that if he was having second thoughts about us he shouldn’t have talked about the future or invited me to dinner with his parents. He apologized again. He explained his thought process more clearly which helped me to understand where he was coming from. I told him he acted like a jerk and he agreed. I told him I wanted to try to be friends with him eventually, but that I really liked him and I couldn’t just switch off those feelings. He said he understood and he would give me as much time and space as I needed. He told me to let him know when I wanted to talk again.

So overall I think it went really well. I feel like we cleared the air and that will make it easier for me to move on.

He also gave me permission to punch him if I ever see him again… which I just might have to do.

Moving On

Sometimes I feel a little silly when I think about the break-up with the boy. We had only been dating just over two months. It seems like it wouldn’t be possible to become so attached to someone in such a short time, but somehow it happened. He seemed so perfect; he seemed like everything I wanted. So I fell hard. I let him fill my thoughts. I let him fill my free time. I let him have a piece of my heart.

And then he walked away.

At first I was in shock. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Then I became angry. How could he lead me on and let me down like this? I began questioning everything that had happened between us. The anger turned into sadness.  And then, slowly, the sadness began turning into acceptance. I’m still working on this… but it’s happening.

The past ten days have been a learning experience for me.

I learned that it’s okay to be sad, angry, frustrated, and even happy because all of those feelings come with a break-up. I learned that I don’t need to cry over a boy just because he doesn’t like me. I learned to call my mom when I’m sad and she will always make me feel better. I learned that even though I was used to talking to him for hours each day, I could easily modify that habit and spend more time with my co-workers. I learned that the mornings are usually the hardest for me, but if I can push through, the rest of the day will get better. I learned that I enjoy watching The Bachelor and American Idol by myself and sipping a glass of wine. I learned that I love running on the treadmill while listening to Black Eyed Peas and that it’s a great way to release pent up emotions. I learned that having your best friend come visit for the weekend will make you a million times happier. I learned that crushes on new boys are a fun distraction, especially when they take you to get ice cream when they find out you are sad. I learned that even though I still think about the boy and miss the fun times we had together, I will get through this.

Even the Nice Ones Will Break Your Heart

To say that it came as a surprise would be a huge understatement.

There were no warning signs, no tips to let me know he was thinking of ending it. Thursday night we talked on the phone for an hour and he invited me to a wedding in March. He called me Friday after he got off work and asked me to come over. As I was driving over to his apartment we were talking on the phone and he invited me to have dinner with his family on Saturday. I told him I would love to go. When I got to his apartment we went out to dinner and then watched a movie. We laughed and talked for hours. He asked me to stay the night, but I told him I needed to go home since I was staying with my mom. He walked me to my car and told me he would call me in the morning.

Saturday afternoon I met him at work before we went to the University of Texas basketball game. “I found a movie that we need to go see. Come watch this trailer”, he said. He wrapped his arms around my waist and spun me around to kiss him. During the basketball game he held my hand. Later we went back to his apartment to change clothes before meeting his parents and grandmother for dinner. We ate shrimp cocktail, salads, filet mignon, and cheesecake. I shared a bottle of wine with his mother. His dad asked about my job and where I went to school. We talked about New York. The boy rubbed my leg under the table and smiled. His parents joked about how the boy is obsessed with sports. His mother mentioned that we should all go to church in the morning and then go out for breakfast. After dinner we went back to his parents house where his mother gave me a tour and showed me pictures from the boy’s childhood. When we left their house, the boy and I stopped by my sister’s apartment so that I could introduce them. We watched the first half of Happy Gilmore before we drove back to his apartment.

All evening he had been a bit quieter than normal, but I figured he was just tired since he was up late the night before and had worked all morning. It was barely 11:00pm when we got back to his apartment so I assumed we would hang out for while and I would go back to my mom’s house around 1:00am, like I had every other Saturday night. The boy and I were laying on the couch watching TV when he said, “I’m really tired, I think I’m going to go to sleep.” “Aww, I guess I’ll go home then,” I said sadly, but trying to be understanding. I was surprised because the boy had never acted like this before, but I didn’t argue. He walked me to my car. “Drive safely tomorrow,” he said. This threw me off completely. I never told him I was driving the 75 minutes back to my apartment the next day. I had actually planned to stay all day Sunday to see him again. I looked at him. “Okay…” I said with a hint of surprise and anger. He gave me a hug and kiss goodnight. “Bye then.” I got in my car and drove back to my mom’s house trying to figure out what just happened. The boy had never been a jerk before… why did he just do that? I decided I wouldn’t be angry, but just text him the truth. “I want to stay and see you tomorrow,” I wrote.  We text back and forth for half an hour, me saying I want to see him, him saying I should go back to my apartment so I can see my friends. Finally he asked if I want to stay and go to church with him. “Yes, but I feel awkward now, like you doesn’t want me to come.” “Don’t be like that,” he said. “I’ll pick you up around 9:15.”

In the morning he called to say he was on his over. He pulled in the driveway, came to the front door and walked me back to the car. As soon as he closed his door he looked at me. “We needed to have a talk.” My heart stopped. I knew something was wrong the night before, but I had no idea it would lead to this. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” he said. I calmly asked why. He explained that he always had a lot of fun with me and that he thought I was really nice and cute, but something was missing. He said he had been waiting to feel something more, but it wasn’t there. He said he wanted to be excited to see me when I come to town, but he wasn’t. I tried to ignore the crushing pain in my stomach and nodded my head. He said he could tell I really liked him a lot this weekend and that he thought it would be wrong to keep seeing me knowing that he didn’t feel the same way. “I was a dick last night and you don’t deserve to be treated that way. I could tell you were upset.” “Yeah, you were a dick,” I agreed. He said he talked to his friends about this a couple weeks ago, and he was waiting to see if something would happen and he would feel differently, but it hadn’t. I asked why he introduced me to his parents if he wasn’t sure if he really liked me. He said he didn’t think it was that big of a deal, that he introduces all his friends to his family. I pointed out that he wasn’t dating all his other friends and that this was different. He said I was right and he hoped we could still talk, if I wasn’t too mad at him. I didn’t say anything, knowing I would be lying. “I guess you have to go to church now,” I finally broke the silence. “I can talk a little bit longer,” he replied. “No,” I said, “I don’t really have anything to say.” He told me he was sorry. “Yeah, this sucks.” We both got out of the car and he gave me a hug. “Thanks for being honest, I guess…” I said and I walked back inside the house. Shocked.

Almost 30 hours later and I still don’t believe it. Did that really just happen?

Was he faking it the entire time and leading me on? He really didn’t like me? All those nice gestures, asking me to spend the night, planning for Valentine’s day and a wedding in March, taking me to dinner, and telling me you want to spend all your free time with me? That’s what you do for someone you don’t really like? I’m not sure I believe that.

But then if he wasn’t telling the truth, there are only a few other explanations, none of which make me feel any better.

Possibly his parents said something to him? Even though we seemed to get along great and I met him mom last weekend, it’s weird that he ended things the day after I had dinner with them. Right?

Or maybe he was all in it for the chase? And now that he realized I like him, he’s not interested anymore? I really hope that isn’t the case because he was so nice for the two months we were dating and that makes him even more of a jerk if it was just a game to him.

And the last option, which my girl friends were kind enough to provide, is that he’s scared. He likes me too much and doesn’t want this to get serious. But if that’s true, he’s still a jerk for making me feel like this.

So maybe he just never liked me… and now my faith in nice guys has officially been destroyed.