Chips and Queso and Christmas

Is this really only my third time to blog in December? I’ve been such a slacker. Or maybe life just happened. I think that’s it. I guess when I’m happy I decide I don’t need to blog as much?

So, I’ve been busy doing things like driving over 1,000 miles, helping my mom as she recovered from gallbladder surgery, visiting my cousin and her new baby, getting drinks with friends, exercising three times a week, going to dinner and watching movies with the boy, and somehow squeezing some work hours in there too.

See? Busy-ness.

In other news I talked to C on Saturday night… for the first time in almost two months. He called as the boy and I were standing at my front door saying goodnight which made the situation completely awkward.

Me looking at my phone: Oh no, I’m not answering that.
The boy: Why not?
Me: Because…
The boy: Oh, it’s an ex-boyfriend?
Me: Yeah…

I called C back when I got inside. He said he called because he was hanging out with an old mutual friend of ours and just wanted to say hi. He asked how I was doing and apologized for not returning my phone calls. Apparently he’s “not allowed” to talk to me anymore (crazy new girlfriend!), but I told him it was fine. I really do understand. We talked about our mutual friend, my job, life in general, and how weird it was that we hadn’t spoken in forever. Then his phone started to die. He said he’d get his charger and call me back… but never did. It’s probably better than I not talk to him anyway…

Things are going really well with the boy. We talk just about every day. Actually, I think we’ve talked every day except one. He’s entertaining when I’m driving for hours on end. He’s funny on gchat. My friends like him. My mom hasn’t met him yet, but she likes what she’s heard. He bought me a Christmas present “because he saw something that he knew I would love”. He’s creative and thoughtful when planning our dates. He plans our dates because he knows how much I love plans. It’s really cute.

So the plan for tomorrow night? We’re going to dinner at Chuy’s, my most favorite restaurant ever. Then we’re going to see this huuuuuge Christmas tree made of lights in Austin, and then we’re going to look at Christmas lights. I’m so giddy I can barely contain myself. This boy obviously knows the way to my heart. Chips and queso and Christmas. Love it.

Sticking Around

Hey guys, remember me? It’s been forever, I know. I don’t really know what happened. It wasn’t a planned absence by any means, but one day I just realized that I hadn’t blogged in over a week. And then I felt bad and like I had abandoned you. But at the same time I was so busy with things happening that I became distracted. So I missed even more days of blogging. But here I am, finally. I’m back.

So. I’m assuming you all want an update on the boy situation. Yes?

We are still talking. And I still like him. But I’m still not 100% comfortable with the entire situation. He’s still intense and he knows this. We’ve talked about it several times… but he says it’s just how he is and he can’t completely change that. But he said he will give me space, talk to me when I want to talk, and see me when I want to see him. So I guess that’s good. And at the same time it is nice to know where he stands and what he’s thinking. I’m not really used to that.

We spent a lot of time together this past weekend- meeting for drinks Thursday night; a marathon date on Friday which included dinner, a high school choir Christmas concert (because he knows I like Christmas music, awwwww!), and a dueling piano bar; and another choir concert (for his friends), a movie, and a late night dinner on Sunday.

And honestly, I had so much fun. I really enjoy spending time with him. We laugh, make fun of each other, and he’s really nice. But there are certain things that just make me feel like it is too much too fast.

So after a few drinks on Saturday night we had a “talk”. I told I was a little uncomfortable with the situation and I wanted him to slow down. He said he understood and would try to not be so “intense”.

And that’s where things currently stand…

I told him I’d probably be back in town next weekend and I’m about 99% sure we’re going to hang out at least once.

I’m just going to take things as they come and see where this goes.

I’ve been around “intense” guys before and they’ve always sent me running for the hills. But for some reason I want to stick around this time. And as Mandy told me, “I think when you don’t feel like running, that’s a big deal”.

Also, in other news, this amazing lady and I are planning something fabulous for the blogosphere and you are going to love it. I promise. Get excited!

So There’s This Guy…

On Thanksgiving Day I received a facebook message from a guy I knew in high school. Actually, we met in middle school where we had a few classes together. I thought he was really smart, really funny, really athletic, and totally my type. I had a crush on him. In high school we still ran into each other occasionally, but we didn’t really talk much. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him since.

So when I got this facebook message  I was a bit surprised.

“I feel like every time I check facebook you are at the top of my news feed… How have you been? Where are you living? What are you doing? Hope you have a good thanksgiving.”

Umm… embarrassing! Am I really that person who is always updating facebook? Apparently so.

I wrote him back and said yes, I was in town for Thanksgiving and I casually mentioned that we should hang out sometime.

He wrote back and said that sounded great. I wrote back and said I was free Friday night. He replied with his phone number and said I should call him.

We met for dinner on Friday. It went as well as a several-years-have-passed-since-we-talked-reunion could go. We told stories about college, grad school, jobs, friends, and exes. The entire time I was wondering what was happening… is this a date? Or are we just old friends meeting for dinner? But then he paid for our meal and asked if I wanted to do something else.

It was a date.

We ended up back at his apartment watching a movie. There was hand holding. And butterflies. And racing thoughts.

And then he kissed me.

Before I left he asked if I wanted to do something on Saturday. He was really cute, nice, considerate, funny, and actually seemed interested in what I had to say. I definitely wanted to see him again.

So Saturday he took me downtown and we walked around UT’s campus. He showed me where he used to have class and where he lived freshman year in the dorm. It was all kinds of adorable. After our mini-tour we went to nearby bar to have a beer and watch a football game. We sat and talked for hours.

On our drive back to his apartment I took his iPhone and began looking through his music. As we pulled in to park I clicked on Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” and began singing along. (I have no idea why he has Taylor on his phone so don’t ask…) We got out of the car and he immediately walked over to me and started kissing me… as “Love Story” is playing.

It was like we had our own personal movie soundtrack. I kind of loved it.

Fast forward to Sunday afternoon. He called and asked if I wanted to go see a movie that evening. I said yes. We saw Pirate Radio (which I highly recommend!) and held hands/cuddled the entire movie. When the movie was over and we were standing at my car he said wished I didn’t have to go. Since I was driving back to my apartment (an hour and a half away) we didn’t know when we would see each other again. I told him I had a really good time and I would see him soon.

Monday morning he texts me. We text back and forth all day. He asks when he can see me again. I say I don’t know. He calls me that night and we talk for thirty minutes.

Tuesday night I decide I will drive back to Austin to see him. I have a meeting there Wednesday (today) and I can stay the night at my mom’s house. I let him know I’ll be in town. He asks if I want to grab dinner. I say yes.

I meet him at his apartment. He suggests we pick up a pizza and watch a movie since it’s a monsoon and freezing outside. The pizza is delicious. We end up watching High Fidelity which I’d never seen before. I love the movie even though John Cusack’s character was a bit annoying. I let the boy know this. He says, “I worry you’ll find me annoying if you think he is.”

And I realize it’s true.

He does annoy me a bit. Something is off. He’s trying too hard. He’s super eager. He calls me beautiful… too often. He pets my arm. My won’t let go of my hand. He tries to be funny, but isn’t. He seems insecure. He tells me he’s a keeper. He tells me I’m amazing. He tells me he is going to stick around to “find out more”. He’s already calling me babe.

He is moving too fast.

But also? He’s the kind of guy I’ve always wanted to be with. He’s smart, ambitious, has good friends, a good family, likes to travel, enjoys sports, likes to have fun but isn’t too crazy, and he really likes me.

So I’m stuck.

I like him. I think that this might go somewhere, maybe? It could have potential… but it’s too much too fast.

I’ve talked to friends and they some I should stop it now, that it’s only going to get worse with time. Other friends say I should slow things down. Don’t reply to all of his texts. Tell him I’m busy. Go out with friends. See how he reacts and go from there. I think maybe he’s just nervous and things will get better with time? Maybe?

What do you think?

The Path of Peace

There are thoughts flying in and out and music playing in the background. There are people talking, but no understanding. There is superficial kindness and broken promises. There are letdowns and re-evaluations. Four months later and a change must be made.

When I was in New York and going to counseling once a week, I was, in a way, forcing myself to think about my issues, my thoughts, my problems, my conversations, my fears, my sadness, my happiness, and my future. During those weekly sessions, and sometimes between them, I found myself becoming more… me. I became more confident. I was able to state how I felt and pinpoint what was creating that feeling. I became more aware of myself.

But now that I’m back in Texas, working full-time and living on a very tight budget, I find myself slipping. I rush through my day. My mind is constantly racing with my list of things that MUST BE DONE IMMEDIATELY! or my mind is blank because I am exhausted and cannot fathom thinking for one more minute. And when I become stuck in that trap, I feel a bit distanced from myself. I feel like I’m not connecting, with myself or with anyone. And then I begin to feel fake, which has to be one of my least favorite feelings in the world.

When I noticed this feeling beginning to creep it’s way back into my life, I stopped myself. I observed. I noticed that I was graduating. I was moving across the country. I was back in the house I grew up in. I was searching for a job. I was offered a job. I was buying my my first car. I was moving to a new town. I was moving into a new apartment. I was beginning a new job. I was adjusting to my new life.

So yeah, I let it slide.

But it’s November, not August, and the feeling is still there. I’ve had a bit of time to settle into my new routine, my new job, car, and apartment. I’m feeling more secure with the direction I’m heading. Which means that now is a good time to make the change. To refocus.

I can’t afford to go back into counseling right now, so I’m investing in some personal reflection. I’m ordering daily quiet times for myself. I am avoiding certain situations and I am embracing others. I am challenging myself by making new friends, but not pushing myself to the point where I feel, well, pushy. I am talking to friends about their lives, their thoughts, their ambitions, and their mistakes. I am dreaming up new ideas. I am listening to my thoughts. I am focusing on me.

I hope that these few changes will lead me back to the path I was following before. The path of awareness, the path of peace.

New Moon Goodness

Create your own FACEinHOLE

Don’t Edward and I look great together? HA. Yes, I really did just go there.

But seriously, let’s talk New Moon. Thursday evening when I got off work I drove back to my hometown to meet up with one of my BFFs for a late dinner, the midnight showing of New Moon, and a sleepover. After scarfing down some delicious chips and salsa, a huuuuge burrito, and several diet cokes we headed for the theater. By the time we got to our seats, at 11:05pm, the theater was full. We overheard that some people had been camping out for seats since 7pm. Umm no thanks, I have more of a life than that and I can enjoy Edward and Jacob just as well from my super close fourth row seats.

Of course the teenage girls were screaming and squealing as soon as the lights dimmed. And there was more screaming when Edward and Jacob appeared on the screen. I do agree those boys are super hot, but all the screaming kind of ruined it for me.

Anyway, my thoughts on New Moon:

Sooo much better than Twilight. I was disappointed when I saw Twilight and was especially annoyed by the blue tint throughout the movie. Thank goodness,  New Moon was tint-free! I also thought New Moon was less cheesy (still a good amount of cheese though, don’t worry!) and followed the book a lot closer than Twilight.

Kristen Stewart is still just as awkward, but somehow tolerable. Her hair looked awesome too.

Edward was hot, but it seemed like he was only in the movie for like 10 minutes. And his shirtless scene? Kinda creepy, if I’m being honest. I know he’s a vampire and supposed to be pale, but it was kind of too much. Not attractive, sorry Rob. Jacob on the other hand…

Oh, Jacob. I’m pretty sure he has the sexiest body ever. Some of his lines were pretty corny and I sort of felt like I was watching a bad soap opera, but his adorableness and rock hard abs totally made up for it. And he and Bella have some serious chemistry on screen. Because of all his hotness? I’m sort of torn… am I Team Edward or Team Jacob? I DON’T KNOW!!!

Did anyone else crack up laughing during Alice’s vision of Edward and Bella in the future? Seriously, the slow motion running and flowing white dress? Hilarious.

And the break up scene? I almost cried. Not sure if it was because I was already exhausted from a long day, or if the acting was really that good… or maybe I just empathize with Edward and Bella too much?

The werewolves were great, but the special effects were a little over the top. At one point I felt like I was watching a cartoon which was not what I wanted.

Also, I laughed way more during New Moon. The whole first half of the movie was filled with great one-liners that I will be quoting for the next six months. You have been warned.

And the ending? I gasped. At least we only have to wait until June because OMG!

Overall, I loved it. And I will be seeing again. Many, many times.

Have you seen New Moon yet? What did you think?

Glee Therapy

While watching Glee last night I had a bit of a revelation. Awesome, right?

I won’t go into details about the show, but basically, Rachel learned why she and Mr. Schuster would never make it as a romantic couple. She was told, “We look for boys we know we can never have… Mr. Schuster is the perfect target for our self-esteem issues. He can never reciprocate our feelings which only reinforces the conviction that we are not worthy of being loved.”

And the light bulb went off.

Now, this quote doesn’t apply directly to me as I don’t think I have any major self-esteem issues, but it still struck something inside me. It made me think that maybe I’m supporting this destructive pattern within myself.

Since my dad was an alcoholic, I’m constantly observing my choice in men. I don’t want to repeat the pattern by settling with a guy who is tied to alcohol or drugs, or any other unhealthy, life destroying drama. I’ve been there and it’s not a happy situation. So I monitor my choices so as to not fall into that again.

Usually I go for one’s I can (try to) save. It’s my personality. I’m a helper. I like to find the men that don’t quite have it all together, have some baggage of their own, and I try to fix them. Obviously, as my track record shows, this hasn’t really worked out too well for me in the past.

I find the men that I know are not fully available (in whatever sense of the word). I pursue them because they seem funny, or smart, or spontaneous, etc. I become attached because I see they are flawed (and that makes them human and therefore more likable). I fall deeper because I think, “If I can help him and make his life better, then surely he will fall in love with me and then we will live happily ever after.”

And all of this happens within an hour of meeting the guy.

But to give myself some credit, in my last relationship all of that was true except for the happily ever ever part. Then again, I guess that’s kinda the whole goal in being in a relationship… thus I have a problem.

If I continue this pattern I only going to end up frustrated and angry in a dead-end relationship, or alone.

I need a guy who is excited about life. A guy who is honest, and sincere, and loves me. A guy who loves me more than he loves alcohol. A guy who is committed. A guy who enjoys his work and spending time with his friends. A guy who has goals that do not involve ‘waking up’ and ‘eating lunch’ but who is aiming much higher. A guy who does not want me to solve his problems. A guy who wants me to stand next to him, not behind or in front of him.

And really, I’m not going to find that in someone I’m trying to save.

Right.

So I guess now that I’m more aware of this, I can start acting on it. Isn’t that how these things work?

A Birthday Doodle

It’s your
birthday
and I wish
I had
some
witty joke
or maybe
another video
filled with
blog love
which I
believe
they call
a vlog
or wait
I should
have sent
you a
glittery
piece of art
because
we all
know you love
sparkly things
(even if
you will
never
admit it)
just like
you
can’t get
enough of
brunettes
singing
and car-dancing
to mmmbop
but
not
today
in honor of
your birth
and our
newly
acquired
friendship
which I
kind of
compare to
my love for
pepper jack cheese
or even
white wine
and believe me
that’s a
huge amount
of love
I wrote you
this word doodle
so I hope
you enjoy
my attempt
to reach for
the stars
of your
awesomeness
and don’t try
to deny
the fact that
yes
you
equal
awesome
in case
you didn’t know
Peter DeWolf
they say
is the
Edward Cullen
of the
blogosphere
and
please
don’t hate me
I meant that
as the
biggest
compliment
ever
duh
and yeah
happy birthday
a million times
forever
and ever
we heart you

Breaking Down The Wall

You may have noticed that I’ve been posting a bit infrequently lately. I’ve noticed.

And the reason: I’m struggling with what and how much I want to share on my blog.

Part of me wishes I was still anonymous so I could be 100% completely honest and write what my heart is feeling. But I can’t. I’m not anonymous. Since I made the switch, I’ve started feeling unsure. I feel exposed. I feel vulnerable. I feel the need to build a wall.

And I hate that.

I hate that I feel like this because yes, I have a blog on the internet. And yes, I know that means people will read it. But still, I wish I had my old blog back.

I started blogging because it was a place for me to be me. It was a place where I was free. It was mine. I wrote some of my most personal thoughts there. I shared my baggage. I dug deep and laid it all out for anyone to read.

I miss that.

That blog helped me through so much. And this blog? It hasn’t been much more than a hassle lately. Sad, right?

With my new-ish lack of anonymity, I’ve added layers of armor. As a result, I feel like my writing has suffered. I feel impersonal. I feel like my posts have become superficial and stale. This blog isn’t what I want it to be anymore.

I need to find a way to change that.

When You Like a Boy

you spend Friday night dancing with him and can’t believe he picked you.

you love when he keeps refilling your water at the bar.

you give him your phone number when he asks.

you feel butterflies in your stomach when your phone buzzes the next morning with that first text message.

your mind constantly races with thoughts of him, no matter how hard you try to concentrate on anything else.

you find any chance you can to talk about him to your friends, and hopefully, they don’t hate you for this.

you smile when he invites you to happy hour with his friends, and smile even bigger when he asks you to drive him home.

you are perfectly happy sitting on his couch watching House for hours with his arm around you.

you wonder what it means when he says he’s “tired” and “you should go home”… WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? DOES HE NOT LIKE ME? DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG? OMG HE HATES ME, RIGHT? Or maybe he’s really just tired. That could be it.

you also wonder why he hasn’t kissed you since Friday night… now, seriously, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

you giggle when he texts you the next morning saying he fell asleep and was sorry he never text you back last night.

you get a little nervous, but also excited, when your co-workers tell you to ask him to help move some heavy furniture in the office.

you wonder what it means (yes, I over-analyze everything) that he spent an hour at your office yesterday hauling huge desks into the back of his SUV and across town to Goodwill.

you can’t believe that it’s only been seven days since he first caught your eye.

you obviously want to see him again, but don’t want to get your hopes up.

 

I Failed NaBloPoMo

Since it’s been several days since I last posted, I guess it’s kind of obvious that I failed at NaBloPoMo this year. Oops.

I don’t have a really good excuse, except that Friday night around 8pm I realized that I was out with friends and was probably not going to be home before midnight to write a post. (We were at a place called Hog Creek IceHouse drinking beer and two-stepping, can you blame me?) So I did what any normal blogger would do. I told twitter.

And then on Saturday when I could have redeemed myself with a really awesome apology post I decided I didn’t really care. I skipped Saturday. And Sunday. And Monday. But I’m back now. I probably won’t keep posting everyday, but I will try harder. Promise.

Also, there have been some other exciting things going on, but I don’t want to go into details right now because I’m being all superstitious and I’m afraid I’ll jinx it. And I’m sorry for being that blogger who is all “I HAVE SUCH GREAT NEWS BUT I CAN’T TELL YOU HAAAAHAAAAAAAAA!”, but today I am. Really so so sorry.