Even the Nice Ones Will Break Your Heart

To say that it came as a surprise would be a huge understatement.

There were no warning signs, no tips to let me know he was thinking of ending it. Thursday night we talked on the phone for an hour and he invited me to a wedding in March. He called me Friday after he got off work and asked me to come over. As I was driving over to his apartment we were talking on the phone and he invited me to have dinner with his family on Saturday. I told him I would love to go. When I got to his apartment we went out to dinner and then watched a movie. We laughed and talked for hours. He asked me to stay the night, but I told him I needed to go home since I was staying with my mom. He walked me to my car and told me he would call me in the morning.

Saturday afternoon I met him at work before we went to the University of Texas basketball game. “I found a movie that we need to go see. Come watch this trailer”, he said. He wrapped his arms around my waist and spun me around to kiss him. During the basketball game he held my hand. Later we went back to his apartment to change clothes before meeting his parents and grandmother for dinner. We ate shrimp cocktail, salads, filet mignon, and cheesecake. I shared a bottle of wine with his mother. His dad asked about my job and where I went to school. We talked about New York. The boy rubbed my leg under the table and smiled. His parents joked about how the boy is obsessed with sports. His mother mentioned that we should all go to church in the morning and then go out for breakfast. After dinner we went back to his parents house where his mother gave me a tour and showed me pictures from the boy’s childhood. When we left their house, the boy and I stopped by my sister’s apartment so that I could introduce them. We watched the first half of Happy Gilmore before we drove back to his apartment.

All evening he had been a bit quieter than normal, but I figured he was just tired since he was up late the night before and had worked all morning. It was barely 11:00pm when we got back to his apartment so I assumed we would hang out for while and I would go back to my mom’s house around 1:00am, like I had every other Saturday night. The boy and I were laying on the couch watching TV when he said, “I’m really tired, I think I’m going to go to sleep.” “Aww, I guess I’ll go home then,” I said sadly, but trying to be understanding. I was surprised because the boy had never acted like this before, but I didn’t argue. He walked me to my car. “Drive safely tomorrow,” he said. This threw me off completely. I never told him I was driving the 75 minutes back to my apartment the next day. I had actually planned to stay all day Sunday to see him again. I looked at him. “Okay…” I said with a hint of surprise and anger. He gave me a hug and kiss goodnight. “Bye then.” I got in my car and drove back to my mom’s house trying to figure out what just happened. The boy had never been a jerk before… why did he just do that? I decided I wouldn’t be angry, but just text him the truth. “I want to stay and see you tomorrow,” I wrote.  We text back and forth for half an hour, me saying I want to see him, him saying I should go back to my apartment so I can see my friends. Finally he asked if I want to stay and go to church with him. “Yes, but I feel awkward now, like you doesn’t want me to come.” “Don’t be like that,” he said. “I’ll pick you up around 9:15.”

In the morning he called to say he was on his over. He pulled in the driveway, came to the front door and walked me back to the car. As soon as he closed his door he looked at me. “We needed to have a talk.” My heart stopped. I knew something was wrong the night before, but I had no idea it would lead to this. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” he said. I calmly asked why. He explained that he always had a lot of fun with me and that he thought I was really nice and cute, but something was missing. He said he had been waiting to feel something more, but it wasn’t there. He said he wanted to be excited to see me when I come to town, but he wasn’t. I tried to ignore the crushing pain in my stomach and nodded my head. He said he could tell I really liked him a lot this weekend and that he thought it would be wrong to keep seeing me knowing that he didn’t feel the same way. “I was a dick last night and you don’t deserve to be treated that way. I could tell you were upset.” “Yeah, you were a dick,” I agreed. He said he talked to his friends about this a couple weeks ago, and he was waiting to see if something would happen and he would feel differently, but it hadn’t. I asked why he introduced me to his parents if he wasn’t sure if he really liked me. He said he didn’t think it was that big of a deal, that he introduces all his friends to his family. I pointed out that he wasn’t dating all his other friends and that this was different. He said I was right and he hoped we could still talk, if I wasn’t too mad at him. I didn’t say anything, knowing I would be lying. “I guess you have to go to church now,” I finally broke the silence. “I can talk a little bit longer,” he replied. “No,” I said, “I don’t really have anything to say.” He told me he was sorry. “Yeah, this sucks.” We both got out of the car and he gave me a hug. “Thanks for being honest, I guess…” I said and I walked back inside the house. Shocked.

Almost 30 hours later and I still don’t believe it. Did that really just happen?

Was he faking it the entire time and leading me on? He really didn’t like me? All those nice gestures, asking me to spend the night, planning for Valentine’s day and a wedding in March, taking me to dinner, and telling me you want to spend all your free time with me? That’s what you do for someone you don’t really like? I’m not sure I believe that.

But then if he wasn’t telling the truth, there are only a few other explanations, none of which make me feel any better.

Possibly his parents said something to him? Even though we seemed to get along great and I met him mom last weekend, it’s weird that he ended things the day after I had dinner with them. Right?

Or maybe he was all in it for the chase? And now that he realized I like him, he’s not interested anymore? I really hope that isn’t the case because he was so nice for the two months we were dating and that makes him even more of a jerk if it was just a game to him.

And the last option, which my girl friends were kind enough to provide, is that he’s scared. He likes me too much and doesn’t want this to get serious. But if that’s true, he’s still a jerk for making me feel like this.

So maybe he just never liked me… and now my faith in nice guys has officially been destroyed.

Sparks

He drove them back to his apartment after an evening of playing Trivial Pursuit: Pop Culture with a group of friends.

They stood in his dark living room, only the streetlights shining in the through the window.

Her arms wrapped around his waist as he looked down at her. She smiled. He lowered his head and kissed her. She felt a rush.

Sparks.

Suddenly, he began tickling her. She screamed; he laughed.

They hugged.

She looked into his blue eyes. She loved how he combined the playful and romantic in a way that made her heart flutter.

He grabbed her hand and pulled her to the ground. She found herself laying on the floor next to him, his fingers still intertwined with his.

He raised his free hand and pointed to the ceiling. “Those are stars,” he said. “Aren’t they beautiful?”

She giggled. “Really?” she asked.

“Yes, that’s the Big Dipper in the corner, and over there, next to the kitchen, is Cassiopeia.”

“You only know that one from watching Serendipity!”

He laughed because she was right. “Okay… but if you look hard enough you can find Mars. Do you see it?”

“You mean that red dot?” she pointed to the smoke detector.

“Yep!” he exclaimed as he rolled over and kissed her.

She laid her head on his shoulder. He squeezed her hand. ‘This is how it’s supposed to be. This is how I’m supposed to feel,’ she thought to herself.

Another Swoon-y Post

Somewhere along the winding road of dinner dates, movie marathons, phone calls, and text messages I managed to fall for this boy.

He’s everything I’ve ever wanted. He’s thoughtful. He’s sincere. He’s interested in what I have to say. He’s considerate. He’s a gentleman. He’s funny. He’s friendly to strangers. He’s easy going. He tells me (directly) that he likes me. He’s goofy. He’s polite. When it comes down to it, he’s awesome.

Of course, my history of “not so awesome” guys has led me to question things.

“Most guys just put on this show of being nice at the beginning, but it eventually fades… Will happen to you?” I wonder aloud. He assures me that he’s just being who he is. I tell him that’s good, because I like what I’ve seen so far.

My friends think I’m crazy for being so straightforward with him, but that’s how I like things to be in a relationship. If you can’t be honest, then what’s the point? Anyway, it didn’t seem to freak the boy out, so it was fine.

A few weeks ago I casually mentioned that I hate Valentine’s Day. He just smiled and said nothing is response. Today he said he got his schedule for announcing college softball this season and then said that he’s working every game Valentine’s Day weekend. Ten games to be exact. I told him that was fine and I could make other plans. (And really, we haven’t even had the “exclusive” talk yet, so…..). But then he said he would be finished around 3pm on the 14th and he would like to see me that evening.

He’s thinking about Valentine’s Day. And he’s thinking about spending it with me.

I told him would be coming to town this weekend and I would like to see him. “I’m free for lunch, are you?”, “No, I already have plans, and you’re busy Friday night, right?”, “Yep…”, “What about Saturday?”, “I’m working most of the afternoon.” It went back and forth. “How about I take you to dinner and movie Saturday night?”, he asked. “Um, okay!” “It’s a date then.”

So dinner and a movie.

“I want to fit you in to all the free time I have”, was all it took to make me heart swoon.

This boy.

*sigh*

He’s doing something to me…

The Things He Does

He calls when he says he will.

He talks to me on gchat when I’m bored at work.

He opens the car door for me.

He pays for our dates, unless I offer to pay first.

He kisses my forehead.

He doesn’t flinch when I ask him to go see The Young Victoria.

He patiently explains the answers when I ask him questions about football during the game.

He tells me I’m beautiful.

He laughs at my stupid jokes.

He holds my hand while he’s driving.

He tells me I look crazy and then kisses me again.

He offers me the last piece of pizza.

He wraps his arms around me as I fall asleep on the couch.

He laughs and says “okay” when I suggest we watch Twilight.

He stays longer when I ask him not to leave.

And when I ask him why, he simply says he wants me to be happy.

Pass It On: A Plea

Today I am sharing something that is much more important than anything I could say. So please read this, think about it, pray about it, and share it with others.

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

2009 In Review

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Went to Vegas with some amazing girls, graduated with my Master’s degree, took a cruise with two of my best friends, moved back into my mother’s house, got a job, bought a car, and turned 25.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t make any resolutions last year, although I promised myself that I would get a job. And I accomplished that, so… yay! I’m no, I’m not making any specific resolutions this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My cousin had a beautiful little girl, Londyn.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank God, I had enough of that in 2008.

5. What countries did you visit?
Belize and Honduras

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
More money- to pay off loans and to travel.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
May 20th- I graduated, May 23rd- one year anniversary of my dad’s death, July 15th- I moved back to Texas, September 20th- my 25th birthday, September 28th- I was officially hired for my first real grown up job

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Graduating and getting a job

9. What was your biggest failure?
Hmm… I haven’t had too many failures this year I guess…. there are some things I probably shouldn’t have done, but I don’t consider them failures.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I woke up incredibly sick on New Year’s Day. That was not fun.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My car.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
All the new friends I’ve met since I moved back to Texas.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The media and government.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Toward my student loans and rent.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Finishing grad school! Getting a job! Buying a car! Meeting a really nice/hot/funny/respectful boy!

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
“Don’t Step Believing”- the Glee version

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?
Definitely happier, probably thinner (or about the same), and a lot richer. I love paychecks.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise. Talk to friends. Read.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying about finding a job.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
In Austin with my mom, sister, and grandfather. And the boy and I watched The Proposal together that night.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
No.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Glee. And then Grey’s, Private Practice, How I Met Your Mother, The Office and Modern Family.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No.

24. What was the best book you read?
Sadly, because I didn’t read much, Twilight.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
John Mayer. Although I liked him before, I’m sort of in love with his new album, Battle Studies.

26. What did you want and get?
A job.

27. What did you want and not get?
A better paying job.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
(500) Days of Summer.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I got a pedicure with a friend, had lunch with friends and my sister, saw a movie (maybe? I don’t remember…) and then had dinner at The Melting Pot with friends and my mom. I turned 25.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Being able to talk to my dad.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
More professional, mixed with a feminine casual cuteness.

32. What kept you sane?
Coffee.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Robert Pattinson.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage.

35. Who did you miss?
My dad. C. My roommate from NYC.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
The boy. Even though I technically knew him before, it doesn’t count.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Everything will work out. Stop worrying. Everything happens for a reason. Seriously, stop worrying.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“If fear hasn’t killed me yet then nothing will
All the suffering and all the pain
Never left a name
I’m in the war of my life, at the door of my life
Out of  time and there’s nowhere to run
I’m in the war of my life, at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight til it’s done”
-War of My Life, by John Mayer

Chips and Queso and Christmas

Is this really only my third time to blog in December? I’ve been such a slacker. Or maybe life just happened. I think that’s it. I guess when I’m happy I decide I don’t need to blog as much?

So, I’ve been busy doing things like driving over 1,000 miles, helping my mom as she recovered from gallbladder surgery, visiting my cousin and her new baby, getting drinks with friends, exercising three times a week, going to dinner and watching movies with the boy, and somehow squeezing some work hours in there too.

See? Busy-ness.

In other news I talked to C on Saturday night… for the first time in almost two months. He called as the boy and I were standing at my front door saying goodnight which made the situation completely awkward.

Me looking at my phone: Oh no, I’m not answering that.
The boy: Why not?
Me: Because…
The boy: Oh, it’s an ex-boyfriend?
Me: Yeah…

I called C back when I got inside. He said he called because he was hanging out with an old mutual friend of ours and just wanted to say hi. He asked how I was doing and apologized for not returning my phone calls. Apparently he’s “not allowed” to talk to me anymore (crazy new girlfriend!), but I told him it was fine. I really do understand. We talked about our mutual friend, my job, life in general, and how weird it was that we hadn’t spoken in forever. Then his phone started to die. He said he’d get his charger and call me back… but never did. It’s probably better than I not talk to him anyway…

Things are going really well with the boy. We talk just about every day. Actually, I think we’ve talked every day except one. He’s entertaining when I’m driving for hours on end. He’s funny on gchat. My friends like him. My mom hasn’t met him yet, but she likes what she’s heard. He bought me a Christmas present “because he saw something that he knew I would love”. He’s creative and thoughtful when planning our dates. He plans our dates because he knows how much I love plans. It’s really cute.

So the plan for tomorrow night? We’re going to dinner at Chuy’s, my most favorite restaurant ever. Then we’re going to see this huuuuuge Christmas tree made of lights in Austin, and then we’re going to look at Christmas lights. I’m so giddy I can barely contain myself. This boy obviously knows the way to my heart. Chips and queso and Christmas. Love it.

Sticking Around

Hey guys, remember me? It’s been forever, I know. I don’t really know what happened. It wasn’t a planned absence by any means, but one day I just realized that I hadn’t blogged in over a week. And then I felt bad and like I had abandoned you. But at the same time I was so busy with things happening that I became distracted. So I missed even more days of blogging. But here I am, finally. I’m back.

So. I’m assuming you all want an update on the boy situation. Yes?

We are still talking. And I still like him. But I’m still not 100% comfortable with the entire situation. He’s still intense and he knows this. We’ve talked about it several times… but he says it’s just how he is and he can’t completely change that. But he said he will give me space, talk to me when I want to talk, and see me when I want to see him. So I guess that’s good. And at the same time it is nice to know where he stands and what he’s thinking. I’m not really used to that.

We spent a lot of time together this past weekend- meeting for drinks Thursday night; a marathon date on Friday which included dinner, a high school choir Christmas concert (because he knows I like Christmas music, awwwww!), and a dueling piano bar; and another choir concert (for his friends), a movie, and a late night dinner on Sunday.

And honestly, I had so much fun. I really enjoy spending time with him. We laugh, make fun of each other, and he’s really nice. But there are certain things that just make me feel like it is too much too fast.

So after a few drinks on Saturday night we had a “talk”. I told I was a little uncomfortable with the situation and I wanted him to slow down. He said he understood and would try to not be so “intense”.

And that’s where things currently stand…

I told him I’d probably be back in town next weekend and I’m about 99% sure we’re going to hang out at least once.

I’m just going to take things as they come and see where this goes.

I’ve been around “intense” guys before and they’ve always sent me running for the hills. But for some reason I want to stick around this time. And as Mandy told me, “I think when you don’t feel like running, that’s a big deal”.

Also, in other news, this amazing lady and I are planning something fabulous for the blogosphere and you are going to love it. I promise. Get excited!

So There’s This Guy…

On Thanksgiving Day I received a facebook message from a guy I knew in high school. Actually, we met in middle school where we had a few classes together. I thought he was really smart, really funny, really athletic, and totally my type. I had a crush on him. In high school we still ran into each other occasionally, but we didn’t really talk much. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him since.

So when I got this facebook message  I was a bit surprised.

“I feel like every time I check facebook you are at the top of my news feed… How have you been? Where are you living? What are you doing? Hope you have a good thanksgiving.”

Umm… embarrassing! Am I really that person who is always updating facebook? Apparently so.

I wrote him back and said yes, I was in town for Thanksgiving and I casually mentioned that we should hang out sometime.

He wrote back and said that sounded great. I wrote back and said I was free Friday night. He replied with his phone number and said I should call him.

We met for dinner on Friday. It went as well as a several-years-have-passed-since-we-talked-reunion could go. We told stories about college, grad school, jobs, friends, and exes. The entire time I was wondering what was happening… is this a date? Or are we just old friends meeting for dinner? But then he paid for our meal and asked if I wanted to do something else.

It was a date.

We ended up back at his apartment watching a movie. There was hand holding. And butterflies. And racing thoughts.

And then he kissed me.

Before I left he asked if I wanted to do something on Saturday. He was really cute, nice, considerate, funny, and actually seemed interested in what I had to say. I definitely wanted to see him again.

So Saturday he took me downtown and we walked around UT’s campus. He showed me where he used to have class and where he lived freshman year in the dorm. It was all kinds of adorable. After our mini-tour we went to nearby bar to have a beer and watch a football game. We sat and talked for hours.

On our drive back to his apartment I took his iPhone and began looking through his music. As we pulled in to park I clicked on Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” and began singing along. (I have no idea why he has Taylor on his phone so don’t ask…) We got out of the car and he immediately walked over to me and started kissing me… as “Love Story” is playing.

It was like we had our own personal movie soundtrack. I kind of loved it.

Fast forward to Sunday afternoon. He called and asked if I wanted to go see a movie that evening. I said yes. We saw Pirate Radio (which I highly recommend!) and held hands/cuddled the entire movie. When the movie was over and we were standing at my car he said wished I didn’t have to go. Since I was driving back to my apartment (an hour and a half away) we didn’t know when we would see each other again. I told him I had a really good time and I would see him soon.

Monday morning he texts me. We text back and forth all day. He asks when he can see me again. I say I don’t know. He calls me that night and we talk for thirty minutes.

Tuesday night I decide I will drive back to Austin to see him. I have a meeting there Wednesday (today) and I can stay the night at my mom’s house. I let him know I’ll be in town. He asks if I want to grab dinner. I say yes.

I meet him at his apartment. He suggests we pick up a pizza and watch a movie since it’s a monsoon and freezing outside. The pizza is delicious. We end up watching High Fidelity which I’d never seen before. I love the movie even though John Cusack’s character was a bit annoying. I let the boy know this. He says, “I worry you’ll find me annoying if you think he is.”

And I realize it’s true.

He does annoy me a bit. Something is off. He’s trying too hard. He’s super eager. He calls me beautiful… too often. He pets my arm. My won’t let go of my hand. He tries to be funny, but isn’t. He seems insecure. He tells me he’s a keeper. He tells me I’m amazing. He tells me he is going to stick around to “find out more”. He’s already calling me babe.

He is moving too fast.

But also? He’s the kind of guy I’ve always wanted to be with. He’s smart, ambitious, has good friends, a good family, likes to travel, enjoys sports, likes to have fun but isn’t too crazy, and he really likes me.

So I’m stuck.

I like him. I think that this might go somewhere, maybe? It could have potential… but it’s too much too fast.

I’ve talked to friends and they some I should stop it now, that it’s only going to get worse with time. Other friends say I should slow things down. Don’t reply to all of his texts. Tell him I’m busy. Go out with friends. See how he reacts and go from there. I think maybe he’s just nervous and things will get better with time? Maybe?

What do you think?

The Path of Peace

There are thoughts flying in and out and music playing in the background. There are people talking, but no understanding. There is superficial kindness and broken promises. There are letdowns and re-evaluations. Four months later and a change must be made.

When I was in New York and going to counseling once a week, I was, in a way, forcing myself to think about my issues, my thoughts, my problems, my conversations, my fears, my sadness, my happiness, and my future. During those weekly sessions, and sometimes between them, I found myself becoming more… me. I became more confident. I was able to state how I felt and pinpoint what was creating that feeling. I became more aware of myself.

But now that I’m back in Texas, working full-time and living on a very tight budget, I find myself slipping. I rush through my day. My mind is constantly racing with my list of things that MUST BE DONE IMMEDIATELY! or my mind is blank because I am exhausted and cannot fathom thinking for one more minute. And when I become stuck in that trap, I feel a bit distanced from myself. I feel like I’m not connecting, with myself or with anyone. And then I begin to feel fake, which has to be one of my least favorite feelings in the world.

When I noticed this feeling beginning to creep it’s way back into my life, I stopped myself. I observed. I noticed that I was graduating. I was moving across the country. I was back in the house I grew up in. I was searching for a job. I was offered a job. I was buying my my first car. I was moving to a new town. I was moving into a new apartment. I was beginning a new job. I was adjusting to my new life.

So yeah, I let it slide.

But it’s November, not August, and the feeling is still there. I’ve had a bit of time to settle into my new routine, my new job, car, and apartment. I’m feeling more secure with the direction I’m heading. Which means that now is a good time to make the change. To refocus.

I can’t afford to go back into counseling right now, so I’m investing in some personal reflection. I’m ordering daily quiet times for myself. I am avoiding certain situations and I am embracing others. I am challenging myself by making new friends, but not pushing myself to the point where I feel, well, pushy. I am talking to friends about their lives, their thoughts, their ambitions, and their mistakes. I am dreaming up new ideas. I am listening to my thoughts. I am focusing on me.

I hope that these few changes will lead me back to the path I was following before. The path of awareness, the path of peace.